day 55: after

in the moment of encounter, there wasn't just peace or revelation or fire or awakening or fear or conviction or awe

there was God, and He is all those things and more.

-

there was a mountain and the land beneath it,

and above the slopes of the mountain there was a great cloud

and rain poured out from this cloud and onto the mountain.

and from the mountain the water carved its path and flowed to the land

and the water flowed between the trees of the forest surrounding the mountain

and then it flowed even further, into the plains and the deserts

and the rain continued to pour and the land became flooded

even in the furthest places the water flooded

even in the deepest places, the water flooded more.

then you could not even see the land anymore, only the mountain and the great cloud

for everything else was under the water,

and then it stopped raining.

day 54: closer

And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, "This is the way, walk in it," when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left.
Isaiah 30:21

this is what it feels like

to be at a crossroads, to have to make a decision

and either option leads you closer to God because you are walking with Him

to have that choice,

this is what freedom is, isn't it?

day 53: will (again)

God's will is perfect, pleasing, good

in order to live God's will, you must shift your life to Him, not the other way around.

God's will is for my joy to be complete.

You cannot know God's will for specific things if you are not committed to His general will.

test God's will through prayer, the word, experiences, and others

pray about it again.

are you even ready for His will?

I don't think so

and that's what scares me.

day 52: community

asked; and I received.

God has been faithful and is still faithful.

keep my focus straight and my heart wide open.

let me be not a teacher, a leader, a speaker,

set aside my pride and may I be your instrument, a support, and a worshipper.

let me not forget how far you've carried me.

day 51: fifty

"because by works of the law no one will be justified..."

hold on, fragile soul

hold on and see how good He is

day 50: cascade

still Lord I surrender.

so here we go:

I'm still scared of what's ahead. of making the same mistakes I've done before, for being weak and giving in to what I want, to be complacent with where I am

I think I'm most afraid of losing what I'm feeling now. this fire and this peace that you've ignited. I'm afraid of wasting it.

but I cannot forget that I'm filled to be empty again. that over and over You have delivered me when Your will calls for me to be free, and how You have sent me to be refined when You want to.

fill me, empty me, fix me, break me; do what you need to do God but please remind me of your goodness.

day 49: checkpoint

that this is God, our God forever and ever. He will guide us forever.
Psalms 48:14

I finished reading the Bible cover to cover for the second time now.

I don't really remember the verses I read or the lessons but I remember the events of life during this entire process

and

hm

God is so faithful.

read it again, be blessed again, have life again, breathe again, be pummelled again, be humbled, be sanctified again and again

may you never lose your wonder.

day 48: wait

there are a lot of people I want to talk to

there are a lot of things I want to say

but until He gives me permission to speak

I pray I'll be able to hold my tongue.

less of me, more of you God.

day 47: reflect

Provider, fortress, solace.

I look from this small hill I've come to and I look back at the path I've been on.

I praise you God for your faithfulness and I continue forward.

Keep me humble, keep me hungry, and I will keep looking for you.

-

cow tag, udder, tomtimes, boba spit, steadfast, o sacred king

your kindness Lord leads us to repentence and your love

your love

is better than life

day 46: progress

all God needs is for me to be available.

let me be the vessel, the instrument

You alone God, are worthy of all of it.

let's take it step by step

day 45: retreat (3)

things to keep in my heart:

-give up preference for the sake of unity

-truth without love is a lie

-faith without vision is dead

-fellowship makes God's love complete

-your priorities are God, family then friends

-you dont need to be extroverted or creative or brave, you just need to be obedient

-do not let them take your joy away

-there is a clear line between what God's will is, and what He allows

-God loves them

-God loves you.


just,

thank you.

day 44: retreat(2)

less of me,

more of you.

you have been so so good to me.

let me share your goodness Lord.

day 43: retreat(1)

Deep calls to deep at the roar of your waterfalls; all your breakers and your waves have gone over me.
Psalms 42:7

they will not take my joy away

God

I hid from you

but now

bring deliverance through your grace

unity starts with love, and never ends

what a love, what a savior

day 42: sunday

i keep getting reminded of how petty i was (am?)

how impatient and rude and immature

but even more so, i am reminded of your relentless love

you work in the most mysterious ways

and i am so grateful

__

also mike kim is a palindrome

how sick is that

day 41: pasta

1st. thank you God

i repent, I was scared no one was going to come. that we wouldn't make enough money. that I would lose the trust of the leaders because of my failures.

but I saw the kids working together, diligently swiftly creatively. then I remembered Your faithfulness.

this night wasn't about money. or pasta. or mission trips. it was about your presence amongst us, for your kingdom come; for where your temple is, you are there. seek first the Lord and all else will be provided.

I saw you God, well more specifically I saw a glimpse of you. not in myself, but in the youth. they were amazing and I know you were here. the evidence is all around.

we are heading in the right direction because you are steering is and we are listening. go go go go go go

day 40: with everything

to the only God, our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion, and authority, before all time and now and forever. Amen.
Jude 1:25

I need to stop measuring God.

and to start knowing Him.

and that is a process that never ends but to God be the glory majesty dominion and authority forever in every struggle and in every step with Him

and when the race is done His portion is my prize.

day 39: finals

thank you God for Peter and Meryem, for their dedication and that you have sanctified them for the purpose of devotion to the youth, and praise your name for sending them to where your voice calls them, may nothing but joy and peace follow them.
--
this month was busy and it's still busy.

schools over. I never thought I'd go back to school. but I did and I struggled and I stressed but I look back and great is your faithfulness.

I can't remember what life was like before... all this. I sort of just imagine it as gray everywhere. I see where I am now and I'm just

just

just so grateful. I promise you God I'm going to do something great for you, not as a response but a manifestation of the love you poured out to me.

you're making me beautiful

day 38: be loved, beloved.

This is how we know that we belong to the truth and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence: If our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.
1 John 3:19‭-‬20

beloved is what He calls me.

it's a name I don't understand and sometimes I reject because I don't believe it. it's a feeling so foreign to me that my first reaction to it is to push it away.

be loved, beloved.

I know what God's love is. actually maybe not. well hmmmmmm. okay I know God's love but not the full, complete portion of it.

be loved, beloved.

just like grace, his love is not a response to an action, but it is the beginning. love is the spring that did not need to be dug, but sprung up from the ground because of nothing else besides 'thats just what happens.'

be loved, beloved.

this is starting over. this is knowing His love by being loved. I'm going through growing pains again but how exciting is it to learn again.

day 37: advent

Strengthen the feeble hands,
steady the knees that give way; 
say to those with fearful hearts,
“Be strong, do not fear; your God will come, he will come with vengeance;
with divine retribution
he will come to save you.”

every step I take towards You
strips off another piece of what I am.
the distance I've covered so far
strewn with the things I tried to hold on to
but in the end could not

deep down I knew I couldn't bring any of that with me
because there's no way I could reach out and grab your hand if my hands were already full.
now there's nothing I hold onto
and now, wait.
the snow is starting to fall

day 36: renew

For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with steadfastness, and steadfastness with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love.
2 Peter 1:5‭-7

Lord do not let this fire go out.

You sent to me a wildfire and torched all that needed to be taken away and now all I have is an ember of that.

I probably would have just stepped on it and let it finally pass, but God I want more. breathe into this glow and use me as its kindle and bring your holy blaze once again for there is still so much to be done.

Im still stumbling; I really, desperately want to learn self control. to restrain the tongue. to let my words only glorify you and reveal your truth but man, I'm  starting to think that maybe you're trying to teach me patience first?

waiting waiting waiting
waiting waiting waiting

sigh, on your time then.

one day Ill truly be doing this joyfully.

day 35: feelingvsknowing

I have always wanted to feel loved by God, it's something that I have been desiring for a very long time.

to witness a vision or hear an angel or experience a miracle and I always chased after these things but always end up realizing that I was pulling at loose threads

but today

in a short, strange moment, I did not feel love but rather I knew I was loved.

and in that moment I could not keep it together..

I don't have the right words to describe it

but what a wonderful day it was.

day 34: focus2

youth group. filling the shoes left behind and giving it all up to make sure your children know Your name.

school. being diligent and responsible to find passion and absolutely run with it

em. doing my part in planting roots and participating and establishes the spirit of fellowship in a new community

small group. pursing God in every opportunity by getting out of my comfort zone and learning how to interact with strangers.

praise team. to never be satisfied with the offering but find solace in His courts

family. to be there and to be supportive to each person and to show through example that love conquers all things and God fixes all things.

I look at all these things I want to be able to give fully, and I can't. and I feel like I've cheated each category from giving my full effort.

oh but God, my feelings of failure are eclipsed by the joy you bring me. the river never runs dry and all I need to do is dip my feet and Lord you flood me.

so tired but so alive. the flesh fails but my God you never will hallelujah again and again.

day 33: youth

Then he prayed again, and heaven gave rain, and the earth bore its fruit.

God your children are amazing. I feel fire 8 feel passion in the youth and those who are stepping up to the plate as saints and ask for your blessing and sanctification.

IM SO HYPED

these are the hands that will build your church and your kingdom God and I want to give up everything I have and am for them.

the harvest is plentiful but the workers are few however You are a mighty warrior and we are your people and victory is found 8n your name alone.

day 32: coincidence

"I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul.  You have not given me into the hands of the enemy but have set my feet in a spacious place."

I can't even scrape the surface of what's going on. how You are working on my life, revealing to me a fragments of glory in the most strangest, mysterious, but amazing ways.

I'm so grateful

and everything is so warm and wonderful in His presence.

I can't even come up with the words to write or to say to describe what is going on, but my heart cries out "thank you God"

thank you thank you thank you

day 31: yhmn

You could've swept in like a tidal wave
Or an ocean to ravish our hearts
You could have come through like a roaring flood
To wipe away the things that we've scarred

But You came like a winter snow
Quiet and soft and slow
Falling from the sky in the night
To the earth below

day 30: harvest

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. 

To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.
_

lately the days have been zooming by 

sleeping feels like blinking 

my laundry never gets done

theres always a due date for an assignment 

but man oh man

God is so amazing

God is so awesome

right now,

right here,

i am right where God wants me to be and God is right where I need Him to be

even closer than an arms reach

i can feel my body physically falling apart

and my mind is mush

but God by His grace has called this soul to be alive

and to worship and to rejoice.

the tide is coming in.

day 29: swirly thoughts

i asked for water
but you sent a flood
i craved rescue
but you brought redemption
i wanted just a little bit
but you gave me everything.
and my heart cant handle it
because i know i dont deserve it
but you keep insisisting
and i keep resisting
i take what you give me
so reluctantly, so painfully
because i know i dont deserve it
and i cant fathom Your heart
and how it loves so furiously
i cant see how you see,
but you insist there is goodness
in my brokenness
let your righteousness glow
through the cracks of my character
from the ashes of my pride.
my desire and your will
may it forever be that you God Almighty
be glorified.

day 28: tripped

I didn't finish my homework today.

but instead of complaining about the circumstances or talking about how I was wrong I want to show Thanksgiving.

thankful my friends who kept the night so fun and reminded me of the care free days.

thankful for my mom for always supporting me and staying with me past closing even though she worked overtime today. she stayed by my side as an act of love; a love so undeserving and yet she gives it to me anyway.

thankful for the tiny messages of encouragement and reminders of where I was and where I am heading and how good God is. how great is His love for you and it's impossible to use words to describe how amazing you are.

thankful that God is faithful, and He is moving moving moving.

day 27: commendable

"And notice this: God is not only praised by praising him directly for who he is and for his works in nature, but he is praised when we commend others, for they too are his workmanship."

it's easy to see the "wrong" in a person because we are constantly told of the "right" standard, how to live to the "right" standard, and how "wrong" people ruin the "good" standard. 

jesus came not for the healthy, but for the sick. He sought to mend the broken, not to add on to what is already complete. He saw people as the product of the wonderful Maker, and not the derivative leftovers of sinful nature. 

and in the same way God calls us to be "like Christ," i am called to see and love others the same way God does to me. 

i want to be encouraged, but to do that you must encourage others. encourage them for what God is doing in their lives, and in that way there is no idolatry, only praise. 

-

they talk so much about you, and I did the same: how hypocritical, how vulgar, and how angry you are. how everything you do is somehow negated by the type of person you are. how for some reason, the kingdom of God cant help you and you cant help, but i look back and how could we say such things about one another? i am not giving up on you, more importantly, God is not giving up on you and has never given up on you. they might be wrong about who you really are, they might be right about who you really are, but none of that matters because Jesus will never cast the stone upon you, and now I understand and neither will I. how can i judge another when God has not condemned me for who I am? you know that you yourself are the captain of your ship, and i am just shouting from the shore, so truly whatever change people want from you is going to come from your choices alone. but God is an ocean, and He will guide your ship in the way His current moves and He will reveal Himself to you again and again in hopes that people like us will one day understand. to forgive and to love is to wish nothing but the best, and I wish you nothing but the best, because that is all we can do for one another, and that's all that matters. 

day 26: eerie

I walked the same way to work today

and as I got closer to the building, a really strange joy started stirring in my heart

a joy that brought comfort and reassurance and security for my future

it lasted maybe no more than 10 seconds, but in that ten seconds I felt something, like someone was telling me "you won't believe what I have in store for you."

then I snapped out of it, stuck between fear and wonder, like the moment before a rollercoaster drop.

oh Lord I don't think I'm ready.

day 25: will

"'Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.' That’s the goal of this verse: not ferreting out the secret will of God that he plans to do, but discerning the revealed will of God that we ought to do."

Transformed.

Not improved,

But changed. 

-

The closest one has ever gotten to God was Abraham, who stood in presence of God but had to be blindfolded for his eyes could not withstand His glory. Just by being in His presence, Abraham was physically radiant. Other could not even step into the mountain of God's presence because of their sin, but by miracle and fear did Abraham approach God. 

Abraham climbed up the mountain to see God, Jesus stepped down from the mountain to see us. Jesus reached out and touched the sick, the hurt, the sinners. He let the people touch him, and the glory of God was still radiating, for even touching the corner of his cloak brought healing. 

What a God, what a savior. 

day 24: light

i took a step of faith today, a step out of my comfort zone and went to a small group. 

it was . . . good. to be amongst believers, to share, to pray, to encourage and challenge, I can't believe I never went to a small group in college. but it's okay, I'm here now.

-

In Him was life, and the life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.

dark is a natural state, in the same way out human nature is where the flesh finds its comfort. it focuses on the self and looks within to find only darkness.

light is active. you don't 'turn on' darkness to remove it, but you turn on the light to drive the darkness away. and in this light we see the things that were in the dark.

the light shines on the things of my life and casts shadows for me to hide in. the light is not meant to judge what it shines on, but only reveals it for what it truly is. 

light is truth and God has revealed the truth through His light and now this light shines on this heart, revealing what was once hidden but now stands before Him to be surrendered. 

be not a candle Lord but a floodlight.

day 23: step 2

"which is why I suffer as I do. But I am not ashamed, for I know whom I have believed, and I am convinced that he is able to guard until that day what has been entrusted to me."

I know what suffering is. I rarely know why.

and I get so stuck on figuring out the why that I miss what comes after, what comes through suffering:

relief, rescue, joy, refinement, morning, redemption.

stop giving into the quicksand and start running through it.

God, let this heart rejoice for You are good.

God, let this heart be thankful for You are good.

suffering comes and goes but the joy of the Lord is everlasting. there is no season for joy, there is only a lifetime. hop in the current.

day 22: the double edged sword

this book is hard; it's making me think and I can't think at night so I'm probably going to have to reread this before moving on but for the sake of the blog project (bloject) I'll scribble out what I can.

"try to exclude the possibility of suffering which the order of nature and the existence of free wills involve, and you find that you have excluded life itself"

suffering is a part of life.

but suffering is not life, conversely, Joy is a part of life, but it is not life. and whatever aspect of life I want to mention, ultimately, it is not what the definition of life is.

a game is where someone wins or loses, but if winning or losing is what a game is, then there would be no point in continuing the game ever again once a winner or loser is found? a game is played because it is a game. (this sounded better in my head)

life is lived not to seek joy, not to seek suffering but to exercise the free will given to you, then experiencing the vast selection of emotion coming from your choices is secondary. some seek pleasure, victory, peace, power, and it is in their ability to do so through their free will.

God gave free will as a gift, maybe not even a gift, maybe it was built into our design. when the creation finds his freedom and his voice and uses it to glorify his Creator instead of chasing life's sensations, maybe that's what He's waiting for still.

it'll make more sense later.

reminder

For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

FOR THE SAKE OF CHRIST ONLY. STOP BEING DUMB AND BE CAREFUL.

day 21: fumble

fumble: fake humble.

"true humility is 'not thinking less of ourselves, but thinking of ourselves less.'"

I am still struggling God. 

I think what was said to me is true: too much of whatever humility you're trying to achieve is killing the person God is making you to be. 

you can't reach humility, you have to live in humility. bottom up not top down.

Lord be my balance. remember me so I can forget myself. slava bogue, so that every praise shall be turned back to you. help me to see how you see me, to see grace through Christ's disgrace. not looking up or down on myself, but straight ahead to you and you alone.

day 20: enemy

know thy enemy

when i crave the christian bubble where this life is supposed to be bright and sunshine and spotless in God's light (which it is) and choose to ignore that the devil is actively working just as hard as God to claim this heart, faith collapses like a castle built on sand.

satan is real; there it is. He is powerful, deceptive, manipulative, traitorous, toxic, and even though he is not as strong as God, it does not take a lot to fool a human.

Pain is real, hurt is real. satan uses pain to hurt us directly and sometimes he uses it and makes us believe God is not there, that He is the one hurting us directly.

i was mad at God. impatient with Him. i felt rejected and ignored; unloved. but just like the most obvious plot twist in the history of plot twists, i see satan. how he took everything good and just barely touched it to make it die. and i sit in brokenness of what I used to have and the divide between what is good and what is bad has never been more distinct.

know thy enemy, then know thy God.

satan celebrates in our collapse, and reveals his doing and claims his victory; but he often celebrates too early. christ died, subject to satans greatest power: death. and satan rejoiced in the torn veil and the darkness, only to be wiped away and made powerless through the resurrection. and it is this resurrection that i also partake to not only join in its grace and glorify God, but to render satan powerless.

satan beat me and wants me to believe that he beat me, and to forget that it was never my fight to begin with. God is a mighty warrior, and He is fighting that fight for me and He's been trying to urge me to step aside and let Him take care of the deceiver. I surrender in this fight, because I was being stupid and prideful and thought I could do it.

but i don't wave a white flag, i wave a race flag; and God rushes in to fight for His people


Anyone you forgive, I also forgive. And what I have forgiven—if there was anything to forgive—I have forgiven in the sight of Christ for your sake, in order that Satan might not outwit us. For we are not unaware of his schemes.


just as I am forgiven, I will forgive. just as I am loved, I will love. just as I know satan, I will know my God.

i can't lose a fight that was never mine to fight,
so God do what You do.

day 19: start

He says to me "I still choose you"

and I asked Him "why"

"because I love you"

true.

day 18: one

for an audience of one,

worship, sing, pray, give, weep, praise, love, serve, live, and pursue.

day 17: ty

great is thy faithfulness

day 16: surrender

"Nothing that you have not given away will be really yours. Nothing in you that has not died will ever be raised from the dead. Look for yourself, and you will find in the long run only hatred, loneliness, despair, rage, ruin, and decay. But look for Christ and you will find Him, and with Him everything else thrown in."

16 days, 227 pages just to be reminded what has echoed these past months: surrender.

people dont want to surrender; it means that you lose. when your back is against the wall and your end is near, you surrender in order to have a chance at life. and God has slowly ripped apart the walls I hid behind brick by brick so that i stand before Him, humbled and found guilty of all the wrong i have done, exposed with no more escapes.

there is no such thing as an identity based on Christ. it is an identity with Christ, of Christ, and for Christ. there is no self; there is only a soul engulfed by glory and grace as soon as you decide to call upon the name of Jesus and accept His love and His cross.

I tried to balance it. Balance a life in this world while pursuing God. But truly, you cannot serve two masters. if you want God, you have to take all of Him. There is no portion; there is only the fullness of His presence. The less life I hold onto the more of heaven is placed into my hands.

when I first started to read this book, I wanted to come out a leader. "readers become leaders" as p pae said to me. but instead of empowerment, i found conviction. instead of confidence, i found humility. instead of filling my cup, i find myself pouring out and emptying the remaining drops of the person I once knew as myself.

i'm not a leader,

i'm a servant.

god continue to ravish this heart

i dont want to get better,

i want to be changed.

day 15: "nice"

'Why drag God into it?'
"You are quite likely to believe that all this niceness is your own doing: and you may easily not feel the need for any better kind of goodness. Often people who have all these natural kinds of goodness cannot be brought to recognize their need for Christ at all until, one day, the natural goodness lets them down and their self satisfaction is shattered."

gottems.

remember this moment.

remember where you are right now, hanging off the edge of the bed because Lucy is napping in the middle of the mattress as she always does and you don't want to bother her.

remember this moment of conviction, strangling the guilt and shame you've tried to hide from God all this time

remember why you're here. because youve taken goodness and twisted it to feed your ego and fake humility

remember how you've always challenged God to a fight but now youre in the ring with Him and you can only blame yourself for this spiritual beat down you are about to receive

and remember that He has forgiven you, and also He loves you very dearly and you will come out of this a little better than before because He has refined you a little bit more.

but for now,

Lord hit me as hard as you can.

day 14: cost

"the only help I will give is help to become perfect. you may want something less: but I will give you nothing less."

slowly I am realizing.

that although perfection is so far from me, He intends to get me as close as possible.

I just wanted His help in tiny slivers of my life. I asked for rain to quench my desires but instead He sent a flood and completely and violently swept them away.

how could I ever ask of God to limit his power for my sake? why would God give only a portion when he longs to pour out everything?

with the same furious heart that desires my heart, God will remove everything that does not work for His glory.

the renovating house. one day a palace for my king. God you have stripped me down to the foundation, but this too will be dug out and swept into the sea. we can go deeper God.

day 13: difficulty

"Christ says 'Give me all. I don't want so much of your time and so much of your money and so much of your work: I want you. I have not come to torment your natural self, but to kill it. No half-measures are any good"

all this suffering, God, all I've been through. all these games and hurt and pain and confusion oh Lord

it was all just me hiding and running away. putting the guilt and anger into meaningless things when I was too scared to accept the reality of the cost of Christ.

I hoped you wanted to renovate; but instead you demolished.

I hoped you wanted a compromise; but instead you demanded surrender.

I hoped you wanted to take just my son's away, but instead you took my everything.

you can cut grass and pretend that one day wheat will grow, but unless you are uprooted and resowed, you can never have wheat.

I wanted the walk of a devoted disciple, but I didn't want to lose the world. I wanted to enjoy this world, but not lose my faith. nothing in life I wanted more but to hear the voice of God for myself, but I didn't want to put in the effort. a lukewarm Christian with a flawed sense of salvation is all I really became.

Christianity is meant to be hard, but the yoke of Christ when you truly decide to throw off the weight of the world is where the peace lies.

and I'm still throwing the crates of the world overboard.

"and there are strange exciting hints in the Bible that when we are drawn in, a great many other things in nature will begin to come right. the bad dream will be over: it will be morning."

day 12: pretend

"the three personal God, so to speak, sees before Him in fact a self-centered, greedy, grumbling, rebellious human being. But He says 'let us pretend that this is not a mere creature, but our Son."

"God looks at you as if you were a little Christ: Christ stands beside you to turn you into one."

I'm still working on this surrendering thing. it's funny how people always say they're trying to surrender like it's a simple activity that they decide to do in a split moment. surrender is literally to give up, stop resisting, and give in. who ever wants to consciously accept that they lose?

truth is, I didn't surrender by choice: I surrendered because I am overwhelmed. God has struck down my idols and wiped out my cities while I tried to stop Him from destroying everything I've built up.

then He finally reaches me,

but instead of grabbing me by the throat and ending the life of a sinful man, He embraces and tells me, "finally."

Ive learned through this whole surrender process that the more I let go the more I let God fill in the blanks. and there is so much more to give up still.

and I can't understand. how can God know exactly who I am and call me a Son? how can he know how broken and useless I am and still choose to want me and look at me as if I was already something more than nothing?

yet, I have been forgiven. and I have been loved.


truly, truly, truly, grace is a gift.

day 11: infection

"If you want to get warm you must stand near the fire: if you want to be wet you must get into the water. If you want joy, peace, power, eternal life, you must get close to, or even into, the thing that has them"

honestly, i received what i sowed.

i put my trust, my efforts, my patience, my allegiance into things I knew mean nothing at the end of all this, and yet the temporary shallow joy i got out of it kept me fiending for more. and in the season of harvest i come to realize that there's no fruit to be seen.

you have to learn to listen to the words you tell others.

life is ugly. this world is ugly. and this ugly infects the hearts of those living a life in this world and who give in to this notion and in turn we become ugly.

people truly are horrible things. i myself am one of those. this is truth. but there is a greater truth, that there is nothing that God cannot revive and sanctify. Are things holy because they are holy in nature? If this is true then we as ugly things can never be more than what we are. Thank God grace is not dependent on our character.

i let myself become infected by the world because it seemed easier. i thought i would be more happier, maybe feel like im growing up for once. how horribly wrong am I?

i have decided that my life is not meant to be easy (for now hopefully). my life is not meant to be beautiful (for now hopefully). my life is not meant to be happy (for now hopefully). but its been designed and chosen to be a testament of God's goodness and glory, that despite these factors, He is faithful, and that He has a plan, and He's still working. I choose to believe, because nothing else will ever come close.

i planted garbage in the ground and the earth spit it back at me.

but its just a season, and just as they go, they come.

Now is a season to plant again
now is the time to prepare
to bloom.

day 10: qt

For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death.

2 Corinthians 7:10

i am completely overwhelmed and overcome

but this time not by life

but by the breath that give me life. 

lord break down me more and more

what a feeling, what a God. 

day 9: faith

"...after a man has tried his level best to practice the Christian virtues, and found that he fails, and seen that even if he could he would only be giving back to God what was already God's own.

In other words,

he discovers his bankruptcy."

So this is what it is. This is what it feels like.

I am jealous of those who have a testimony where they can say "at this point, I met God." What a luxury it is to pinpoint the pivot of their life.

Faith for me has been a process that is still not complete and most likely, will never be complete. Bankruptcy isn't being impoverished; bankruptcy implies you had wealth before, and then lost it all.

I did have wealth, I believe I was at one point in my life, truly content with where I was (maybe a little bit bored, but nothing to complain about). Slowly, then suddenly, I lost it all. I look back at the past couple of months and it was all complaining. I look back at these past blog posts and feel so much shame but at the same time I remember the hurt and the bitterness I was going through and I keep myself from deleting because I want to remember where You have taken me and where You will take me.

But anyway, complaining. Every day I was complaining. Complaining to everyone, to everything. Now I don't complain, because there's nothing to complain about. Because I have nothing.

It's weird, I think this might be the first time I've felt this. A feeling of having nothing. It's not just that I have nothing, it's now I deserve nothing. Everything I've had in my life is nothing I deserved, it was given to me for whatever divine reason.

I deserve nothing, because truly, truly, truly, I am absolutely nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. I hear it all the time now. I am nothing. A nobody. Nothing, nothing, nothing.

At first I thought it was the devil so as soon as I heard that I shut my ears and I yelled back in defiance (and mostly cursing).

But after I admit defeat, and just collapse into a sad pile of blubber and bones, I heard the second part to that whisper: 'kevin you are nothing, but I am the everything that takes nothing to make something.'

not the most eloquent way of saying that, but it worked.

God made Adam from dirt. I'm already at least 2 steps above dirt, so i can only imagine how far He will take me.

oh right this is supposed to be about faith.

i always thought faith as something on the opposite side of reasoning. Faith is something you cannot see right? If you can't see it, then you must sort of imagine it?

"Or take a boy learning to swim. His reason knows perfectly well that an unsupported human body will not necessarily sink in water: he has seen dozens of people float and swim. But the whole question is whether he will be able to go on believing this when the instructor takes away his hand and leaves him unsupported in the water - or whether he will suddenly cease to believe it and get in a fright and go down"

faith can be unreasonable to the world, BUT TO YOU, faith is a firm foundation. Faith is the rock on which you stand on and God is your fortress. my faith was always based on something I had to let go of reality and pretend that it was real. no wonder i never got anything done.

faith is reality, and thus, faith is based on reality. it isn't something you need to be stupid for (you might act stupid because of it) but it is something you need be empty for, and i pray to the good lord, please tell me im empty now.

faith :

"it is the change from being confident about our own efforts to the state in which we despair of doing anything for ourselves

and leave it to God"

day 8: charity and hope

"There are all sorts of things in this world that offer to give it to you, but they never quite keep their promise."

When you chase a feeling, depend on a feeling, give everything to keep this feeling alive, in the end what are you truly holding on to? You've been grasping a fistful of sand and when it all eventually trickles out you wonder if there was something else you could have been holding on to.

But when you invest your life into something substantial, something just a little bit more than an emotion, you find that you're on the right path when God multiplies the blessing. Like digging and digging until you strike water and what was once empty is now full of life.

For the longest time I was so fixated on making the right decision, and to be honest I still am, that I dug myself into the dirt with my head in the sand waiting for instructions that were never meant to be given.

You can read all about it, but if you're not practicing it, then you're not learning. Just do it.

Just do it.

Take the risk, get hurt, fall down,

but never stay down.

Get up, do it again, fall better this time.

"Do not waste time bothering whether you 'love' your neighbor; act as if you did."

i've convinced myself many times of the things that I'm not that I actually was, more importantly, i've convinced myself even more times that I am something that I am not.

but there is one thing that needs no convincing, and that is that there is hope within Christ. I keep hearing about it, seeing other people experience it, losing their lives over this "hope." I don't know exactly what it is, but that is something I want to fall and hurt myself for. over and over and over again.

before I forget

God,

just as you have violently pulled everything apart

you are gently rearranging everything into place.

i feel sad over the losses, but it's so strange to be at peace with all this.

I guess you can say i'm

sad-isfied.
.
.
.
god please don't take my brain away.

day 7: pride

"As long as you are proud you cannot know God. A proud man is always looking down on things and people: and, of course, as long as you are looking down, you cannot see something that is above you."

Humble pie. The manna of high school youth group. The consequence of getting too ahead and indulging in yourself.

God will give you a large serving of humble pie.

Nothing made me more scared, still I think, eating humble pie is one of my biggest fears. But why? Because humble pie threatens one's pride and pride is the great root of all sin. Pride is what caused the devil to oppose God, pride is what makes us put our own desires in front of God's. Pride is saying, "you know what God? I got this, take a step back." This is pride, and now I realize how prideful I had become in my actions and my words and my attitude.

I feel like God's will and my will haven't aligned even though I'm asking for it.

that's because of your pride

I feel so burdened and burnt out from everything

that's because of your pride

I feel like I'm never winning in life and I'm taking all these Ls.

that's because of your pride 

I feel like -

it is your pride. 

People kept telling me 'you are capable,' from the closest to the most random. They're not wrong, but I wish I heard that as 'you are capable because God is capable.'

I thought I had a handle on things, but when everything fell apart, I questioned God as to why he gave me these hands and this heart if everything I toil for just dies?

Pride.

It is pride that made me think that these hands were to be used for my own purposes. It is pride that led me to believe that this heart was made for something other than God's glory. That any part of me was greater than any part of You.

"The point is, He wants you to know Him: wants to give you Himself. And He and you are two things of such a kind that if you really get into any kind of touch with Him you will, in fact, be humble - delightfully humble..."

fire up the oven Lord, I'm ready for some pie.

day 6: forgiveness

today i went to another church for the first time in my life. god you are speaking to me the same message no matter where I go, no matter who I talk to, no matter the state my heart is in 

and I have no other response but thank you.

///

"I am telling you what Christianity is. I did not invent it. And there, right in the middle of it, I find 'Forgive us our sins as we forgive those that sin against us.' There is no slightest suggestion that we are offered forgiveness on any other terms."

To be able to forgive your enemies is to be able to love your enemies. And to love your enemies is ... 

hm

To love your enemies is to love them, and to love them is to love oneself. Oh, love each other as you do yourself. So to love another is to first, love yourself, who was first, loved by God. 

I don't like many things about myself. Yet, this is my life and I love my life. I may not like the choices I make or the roads I travel, but I love my life. 

In the same way forgiveness from God is reflected in His love for us: "not for any nice, attractive qualities we think we have, but just because we are the things called selves. for there is nothing else in us to love...", in this same way, I must love and forgive others. 

It is easy to see and listen to and even join in hate, in a worldly sense it can be justified. But those who believe are called out to be set apart as well, and this cycle of hate-hate-hate cannot run free, we have to stop. 

Be brave, call out hate and drive it out with love, don't ever let yourself sit silently and listen to hate again. It has to stop. 

Forgiveness is "to hope that he may, in this world or another, be cured: in fact, to wish his good." 

start. 

day 5: love

[104 - 114]

tba

day 4: backwards

"for the longest way round is the shortest way home"

sitting on the tiled floor of a Haitian missionary's home, huddled in a circle around two lights, flickering in and out like a troubled mind trying to fall asleep. a rocking chair with broken arms and a stray nail needlessly hammered down by a hydroflask to no avail, a fan on each side of the room rotating to bring air but you wish that it would break its gears and stay fixed on your sweaty head.

He says, "how long will you crave Spiritual milk?"

so I decided, this is the foundation you will build upon. no more breaking down, no more lock in ugly tears. no more resets. you're done being a kid, time to grow up.

so on this foundation I built a home. the experiences made a frame. the convictions the windows. my joys as paintings on the wall. my fears and guilt as the lock on the door.

but one room, for myself.

I sought growth for the sake of growing up, not because I was ready. because I was tired of people looking down on me, sick of people wondering why I wasn't the man they expected me to be. why I wasn't the Christian they expected to me to be.

you are not a grown up because of how much of life you are able to carry, but maybe it's how much of life you can strip back.

I promise you God what I have done has been out of love for your people and for you, but the trophies sit toppled over in rust. let them blow away, what is the worth of holding on to them?

"people need to be reminded more often than they need to be instructed"

there is no shame in starting over. if there is, I don't care anymore.

give me a hammer so I can tear down this heart myself. from the roof to the foundation, there is nothing of this old house I hold on to anymore.

starting over.

day 3: free

"because free will, though it makes evil possible, is also the only thing that makes possible any love or goodness or joy worth having"

God, why have you made me so weak and helpless?

because in your weakness my power is made perfect

when a bodybuilder lifts a heavy weight, no one is truly impressed. they may admire the physique or display of physically fitness, but in the overall picture it's expected and no one will keep a significant memory of that moment.

just as a strong man displays strength, so does the sinner display how far man has fallen away from God.

but when a sinful man chooses goodness, to break away from what his definition says that he is, that is in lack of a better word: a miracle.

so you are free: free to choose to live up to what they say you are, mediocre, underwhelming, or whatever they want to call you, or you can choose to deny yourself and what they want you to be and take up a cross and live to the beat of a new heart.

here's where I was wrong, I'm not someone who needs improvement, I am someone who needs to surrender. to unlearn pride, bitterness, hatred. to let the soul die and pay the price for my mistakes.

"only a bad person needs to repent, only a good person can repent perfectly"

I know how to love, because I was first loved by Him. I know how to show grace, because I was first shown grace. I dont know how to surrender, but God the father did not surrender for me.

God the Son did.

imagine a man, able to suffer and die, aligned with the perfection of God, choosing death in order to conquer it in glory.

this is a miracle, this is God's strength, this is all of the above.

this is perfection.

"the perfect submission, the perfect suffering, the perfect death were not only easier to Jesus because he was God, but were possible only because he was God"

 and now we are free.

day 2: goodness

what makes something good? what makes something bad? WHY DOES THIS QUESTION KEEP COMING UP?

"it is no good asking for a simple religion. after all, real things are not simple... If we ask for something more than simplicity, it is silly then to complain that the something more is not simple"

I want the easy way out, in everything. Zero ambition, zero determination, the sad collapse in the face of any struggle. only picking battles that I know I can win, avoiding the challenges because I don't want to get hurt...  let me stop there before I reach the word count with reasons why I suck.

when you constantly build your life wide and not deep, there is no reason to be surprised that the slightest rain shreds your paper reality. and in this conviction emerges the realization that even in religion I had built out and not in.

all I've been praying for is simplicity. a straight answer, an actual voice from God. I When God answers you, he says: yes, no, or not now. I cried out, God God why do you keep sending me "not now" replies when I need an answer.

You misunderstood, it was never a "not now," it is no.

Christianity is NOT simple, life is NOT simple, God is NOT simple. How can you explain physics using your ABCs just because all you know is the alphabet?

Fun fact: this world is completely stupid and utter chaos. My very existence is everything and everyone including my own pancreas is trying to kill me. but despite this madness, you find a sliver a truth.

And this sliver is faith: to understand and accept that this cruel, unrelenting place we call home has been overcome by a force greater than  life itself, and a portion of this power resides in you.

God is a mighty warrior and Christianity is a fighting religion. Yes life is meant to be difficult (and everyone who says otherwise is a liar) but you yourself are meant to survive and in surviving you will glorify God.

"enemy occupied territory - that is what this world is"

you don't understand a lot, but really,

that's okay.

you're not supposed to.

day 1: reality

Suspend God just for a moment and look at the evidence first. Your world, is it the result of precise measurements and calculations and a stroke of good timing or is it the product of paint splatters and a dream? Is God a scientist or is he an artist? both?
-
"and as for decent behavior in ourselves, I suppose it is pretty obvious that it does not mean the behavior that pays"

"it tells you to do the straight thing and it does not seem to care how painful, or dangerous,or difficult it is to do"

You can't argue that people should do the right thing because it's just "the right thing to do." In the same way, you can't be mad at how you're feeling just because things haven't worked out for you. You binded joy and goodness as a package deal and let's be real no one told you to do that. How many times have I asked you God, is it possible to do good and feel this horrible?

Yes.

But in the same way how you reason that joy and goodness are not always simultaneously experienced, neither can you categorize suffering with goodness. For goodness is not defined by the emotion you feel afterwards, but goodness is the objective and absolute truth.

Sometimes discovering the truth hurts, sometimes it comforts. But I can promise you, if you seek comfort first in the pursuit of God you will receive neither comfort nor know the truth.

These past months, I was looking for peace through comfort and now my well has run dry. But seek restoration and be quenched not by comfort that comes and goes, that grows and dies, but let truth which is constant and eternal and everlasting dig deeper and draw out the waters that will never let you thirst again.

Do not mistake comfort for peace, but peace is the understanding and acknowledgement of who you are and where you are in the very moment. You cannot understand if you do not know the truth.

Okay wait.

Stop.

You're acting like you finished. You didn't. You literally just started.

You don't know God. Really, you actually don't know anything.

(yet)

This is okay.

"the Christian religion is, in the long run, a thing of unspeakable comfort. But it does not begin in comfort; it begins in the dismay"

You don't know God, but you do know that there is something within that is urging you to keep choosing goodness, even as your flesh dies. 

follow this trail.

we call this,

a good start.

day 0: the moral law

"the moral law tells us the tune we have to play: our instincts are merely the keys" (10).

"the most dangerous thing you can do is to take any one impulse of your own nature and set it up as the thing you ought to follow at all costs" (11).

Realize: there exists, instinct. What separates you from the pig or the bird, the ant or the lion? These are animals with instincts which also exist in you.

You were created by the same hands that sculpted the life in your world, but it is the breath of the creator that sanctified you, that sets you apart for a greater purpose.

Now realize, this very breath that sets you apart now gives you power over instinct. To follow your strongest impulse and survive, or to listen to the whisper of the other impulse that tells you to lay down your life.

This is freedom.

This very breath has established what is the moral law, a law emerging not from customs of culture but from the truth in which you are trying to find.

When people question what you do, you have no problem attributing the "good" you do as to your own personal derivation of the moral law, but the "bad" you do is quickly diverted away from your compass and happens not because you are by nature a corrupted person but because  of other things: I'm too ______, he/she deserves it, I deserve this, etc.

Look at the "standard" you tried to live by, that you've convinced others to believe you live by. The standard you use to compare others, to elevate yourself on some sort of moral high ground and to humble yourself before others.

Look at it.

Now throw it away.

You can't live by your standard anymore because you have chosen to live not to the patterns of this world but by the truth; this truth that has always been in you and this truth that will set you free.

"progress means not just changing, but changing for the better" (13).

day 0: preface

"the hall is a place to wait in, a place from which to try the various doors, not a place to live in. for that purpose, the worst of the rooms (whichever that may be) is, I think, preferable" (xv).

"... God is well aware of 'what a wretched machine you are trying to drive,' and asks only that you 'keep on, [doing] the best you can.'" (xx).

How long have you waited in front of this door?

Waiting... waiting for what? For who?

Instead of waiting for someone to walk you through this door, why not just try to do it alone? Peter was right; having someone to spiritually challenge you constantly is truly a luxury, a luxury you were lucky enough to experience just for a moment.

Yes, you don't have that luxury anymore, mourn for a moment and realize that the next best person to challenge you is yourself. You were lying to yourself, thinking that you could find the satisfaction of your soul by running in circles. But regardless of what you did, you didn't waste time nor energy, because all of the struggle and ripping of your heart has led you to this moment, to this place, to the winding and unmarked path that is God's will for you.

Hello God, I am a wretched man. I am so far deviated from your perfect design and poisoned by what makes me, me.

Hello God, this is me giving you my best. It's not much, and I must admit, even I am disappointed in what I can offer to you. But this pathetic excuse for an offering, coming from an even more pathetic person, is given to you from a most desperate of faiths, a faith that pleads with you: to take what little I have for an unfair exchange for an encounter.

_____ after _____

what can i even _____

regardless, you pray and you praise and you glorify

no blanks for those.

god is flipping me from the desert to the ocean to the desert to the ocean

its like being deep fried 

i will be a wonderful churro

whats the best food to eat when youre sad?

a churro because it will help you churr-up.

fling wide you heavenly gates

not to let God in, but to draw him out

out of the box you've tried to hide him in

release

and reveal his glory in your life

then he will lead you

and you will follow

does God read blogs or does he just know

i know the circumstances:

on His time.

"like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased."

oh is that it?? u funny

b&f

i'm at that point again, 

am i really hearing you or am i just fooling myself 

is this world deceiving me or are you speaking through the world

is the quiet whisper i hear really your voice

or is it my soul tricking my self

because when i take a step forward i get wrecked

when i take a step backwards i get wrecked

when i stand still i get wrecked. 

i thought you were speaking to me through other people

but everyone is telling me opposite things at the same time.

god knows i cant make the decisions for myself anymore 

loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooool

2017:

But seek the welfare of the city where I have sent you into exile, and pray to the Lord on its behalf, for in its welfare you will find your welfare.

"oppa i couldn't stop laughing in my head because the sermon today was literally your life"

is this what it is God? exile? 

please lawd

give me strength or rest

and no one will take your joy from you.

repeat repeat until it makes sense to you

love dont let me go dont let go 

love dont let me go dont let go 

love dont let me go dont let go 

love dont let me go dont let go

it's a start

pray

the words we used to say to each other

in the end were just words

they were meant to be forgotten and tbh

i forget anyways.

i just talk to god to fill in the blanks now

i still forget what i say

but i hope god remembers

and passes the message on to you

in the strangest and most wonderful ways.

Besides this you know the time, that the hour has come for you to wake from sleep. For salvation is nearer to us now than when we first believed.
Romans 13:11

today the doctors said I was okay

it makes no sense

I'll be honest

things should be way worse

god why are you sustaining me

what do you want me to do?

ceramics

But who are you, O man, to answer back to God? Will what is molded say to its molder, "Why have you made me like this?" Has the potter no right over the clay, to make out of the same lump one vessel for honorable use and another for dishonorable use?
-Romans 9

GOD PLEASE DO NOT SHAPE ME BASED ON MY POTTERY BECAUSE MY POTTERY IS SO BAAAAAAAAAAD

realize

you used to think this entire album was horrible

you gave it one listen and then never touched it again.

now look at you

now you understand.

the words havent changed,

neither has the God who inspired them

the only thing that's changed is your heart

and how desperate it is

how desperate it should have been
:
Be patient Be kind Hold no envy or pride Be the first to come last for another Never forced, slow to anger Trust without keeping score
Long to suffer with truth

Love will never die

1137

But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.
Romans 8. 25

there is nothing in my life you cannot use

so draw out all the things I've tried so hard to hide from you

make me forget who I am

so that all I know is who you are.

then use me again and again and again

catch your breath

and step right back on course

i hope for longer seasons of peace

and shorter seasons of suffering

but i do not pray for them,

your will be done.

thank you god thank you god

what a time to be alive.

are you done yet

im tired. 

so are you done

look around me. you've taken everything

yes i did

but why

why not

uh

are you done? complaining, crying, yelling, flailing, pleading, begging, fighting?

i dont have any strength left to do any of those things

so you're done

yeah, im done. 

good. 

now be still. 

into the deep

the confusion, anger, sadness, regret, self-loathing, hate, joy, peace, grace, happiness, satisfaction, disappointment, struggle, conviction, fear, desperation, dreams, hope:

the devil will have none of it. not a single thing.

god you've won my heart and everything that comes with it

God you have to let me sleep

or at least say something

don't just watch 

ship rekt

But now I urge you to keep up your courage, because not one of you will be lost; only the ship will be destroyed.
Acts 27:22

back into the water

don't float this time, swim.

god please.

why

I love you god

and I promised you what I did and I did it

please keep up your end of that bargain.

it's only fair.

cs lewis

"Imagine yourself as a living house.

God comes in to rebuild that house.

At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense.

What on earth is He up to?

The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards.

You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself."

reprise

a glorious grace:

"grace and glory differ very little

one is the seed the other is the flower

grace is glory militant,

glory is grace triumphant.

grace and glory and glory and grace are triumphant in the life of the believer who will call upon the name of Jesus"

bloom

Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.

same situation. same dread. same struggle. same confusion. same helplessness. 

different approach. 

same grace, same forgiveness, same love. 

new Kevin.

same God. 

Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you.

there is a room. 

behind the back door

up the stairs 

behind the screen 

one more door. 

it is not a big room: one chair, one cushion. 

a brown cross on the wall. 

but I have never heard such quiet 

quiet not in my ears but in my heart

a quiet where one can speak and be heard

and where one can listen and be spoken to. 

Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain.

But the evil spirit answered them, “Jesus I know, and Paul I recognize, but who are you?”

hmm.

summer 2007

we painted like 3 walls that day.

vanessa noona's contact fell out and it was so tiny and she used spit to clean it i thought you werent supposed to do that.

for lunch i learned that goobers is a thing and its pretty much the greatest thing ever.

i fell asleep during service.

i think they thought i was praying so they all left me in the room.

i woke up and it was dim and there were only a few strangers still sitting

they were silently bowed, maybe even weeping.

i was going to leave because it was weird but then the band started playing.

i am not skilled to understand

then the kick comes in and the electric with a dirty strum and the bass starts rolling

what god has willed what god has planned

remember when you asked me to play bass and i said no because bass is dumb

i only know at his right hand

then james went on AIM to tell me to play bass so that he could play electric

stands one who is my savior

the cymbals start to ring and the kick gets a little stronger

that he would leave his place on high

remember how we used to try and untune each others guitars on stage while praying

and come for sinful man to die

then everyone left suddenly but the holy spirit was among us three

you count it strange so once did i

but constantly i am reminded of what i felt that night

before i knew my savior

that shiver, that sensation, that moment of guilt and conviction then glory and complete redemption

my savior loves, my savior lives
my saviors always there for me
my god he was my god he is
my god hes always gonna be

the very first time i met you and you revealed yourself and you told me who you were and then,

you stepped back up to your throne

and i couldnt see you. 

but i know youre still there

and i will break down every door and wall and bone in my body

to hear that song the same way i heard it in the warm summer of 2007.

yung kevin.

remind me what it was like back then.

god is so good.

Though He slay me, I will hope in Him;
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    yet I will argue my ways to His face.

come Lord, let us wrestle

make me stronger

For they all contributed out of their abundance, but she out of her poverty put in all she had to live on."

surrender.

everything.

to practice compassion and kindness

to be patient and enduring

choose wisdom over riches

and stand justified before god

ps:

Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

into rough waters

a ship is never meant to be docked

you are never meant to stay comfortable 

you are to be challenged and refined.

this will hurt, 

again. 

you will feel it, 

again. 

but you will get through this. 

take heart kevin. 

hold on to what is good. 

one day our seasons will line up

but until then

iron sharpens iron.

god have mercy on me

you are good to me
you are good to me
you are good to me

Then he said, “Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom. ”  Jesus answered him, “Truly I tell you, today you will be with me in paradise.”

imagine that.

to see the son of god die the same way of you, the common criminal in his rightful place.

then to see him turn to you and speak with his own lips that is not the end.

"Jesus remember me"

he did.



Jesus remember me.

ALL ABOARD THE BUS

Join with me in suffering, like a good soldier of Christ Jesus.
2 Timothy 2:3

practice

Rejoice always, 

pray without ceasing, 

give thanks in all circumstances; 

for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

when jesus music finally starts to make you feel again

god you have heard me and you are working in me

thank you

==================================================

there are some things that are just

out of my control :

what the future holds for me

how others perceive me

how others treat me

why my hands sweat so much

what you are giving me

and what you are holding back

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i was so focused on trying to control these factors that i ended up hurting myself

and forgetting what i do control:

my attitude

my worship

my surrender

my words

my gratitude

/

no more complaining out loud

no more unhindered vulnerability

no more visible weakness.

you are strong

you are smart

you are loved.

even if you do not feel these things

fake it til you make it

what else are you going to do?

=

thank you for the constant annoying encouragement and a glimpse of hope

thank you for the tough love and the wake up call

thank you for saying i complain too much and straight up ignored my prayer request (love you guys, but also screw you guys)

god is moving; and the struggle bus moves on.

~

and now the poor stand and confess:
that my portion is Him
and I'm more than blessed.