"...after a man has tried his level best to practice the Christian virtues, and found that he fails, and seen that even if he could he would only be giving back to God what was already God's own.
In other words,
he discovers his bankruptcy."
So this is what it is. This is what it feels like.
I am jealous of those who have a testimony where they can say "at this point, I met God." What a luxury it is to pinpoint the pivot of their life.
Faith for me has been a process that is still not complete and most likely, will never be complete. Bankruptcy isn't being impoverished; bankruptcy implies you had wealth before, and then lost it all.
I did have wealth, I believe I was at one point in my life, truly content with where I was (maybe a little bit bored, but nothing to complain about). Slowly, then suddenly, I lost it all. I look back at the past couple of months and it was all complaining. I look back at these past blog posts and feel so much shame but at the same time I remember the hurt and the bitterness I was going through and I keep myself from deleting because I want to remember where You have taken me and where You will take me.
But anyway, complaining. Every day I was complaining. Complaining to everyone, to everything. Now I don't complain, because there's nothing to complain about. Because I have nothing.
It's weird, I think this might be the first time I've felt this. A feeling of having nothing. It's not just that I have nothing, it's now I deserve nothing. Everything I've had in my life is nothing I deserved, it was given to me for whatever divine reason.
I deserve nothing, because truly, truly, truly, I am absolutely nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. I hear it all the time now. I am nothing. A nobody. Nothing, nothing, nothing.
At first I thought it was the devil so as soon as I heard that I shut my ears and I yelled back in defiance (and mostly cursing).
But after I admit defeat, and just collapse into a sad pile of blubber and bones, I heard the second part to that whisper: 'kevin you are nothing, but I am the everything that takes nothing to make something.'
not the most eloquent way of saying that, but it worked.
God made Adam from dirt. I'm already at least 2 steps above dirt, so i can only imagine how far He will take me.
oh right this is supposed to be about faith.
i always thought faith as something on the opposite side of reasoning. Faith is something you cannot see right? If you can't see it, then you must sort of imagine it?
"Or take a boy learning to swim. His reason knows perfectly well that an unsupported human body will not necessarily sink in water: he has seen dozens of people float and swim. But the whole question is whether he will be able to go on believing this when the instructor takes away his hand and leaves him unsupported in the water - or whether he will suddenly cease to believe it and get in a fright and go down"
faith can be unreasonable to the world, BUT TO YOU, faith is a firm foundation. Faith is the rock on which you stand on and God is your fortress. my faith was always based on something I had to let go of reality and pretend that it was real. no wonder i never got anything done.
faith is reality, and thus, faith is based on reality. it isn't something you need to be stupid for (you might act stupid because of it) but it is something you need be empty for, and i pray to the good lord, please tell me im empty now.
faith :
"it is the change from being confident about our own efforts to the state in which we despair of doing anything for ourselves
and leave it to God"
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