"Christ says 'Give me all. I don't want so much of your time and so much of your money and so much of your work: I want you. I have not come to torment your natural self, but to kill it. No half-measures are any good"
all this suffering, God, all I've been through. all these games and hurt and pain and confusion oh Lord
it was all just me hiding and running away. putting the guilt and anger into meaningless things when I was too scared to accept the reality of the cost of Christ.
I hoped you wanted to renovate; but instead you demolished.
I hoped you wanted a compromise; but instead you demanded surrender.
I hoped you wanted to take just my son's away, but instead you took my everything.
you can cut grass and pretend that one day wheat will grow, but unless you are uprooted and resowed, you can never have wheat.
I wanted the walk of a devoted disciple, but I didn't want to lose the world. I wanted to enjoy this world, but not lose my faith. nothing in life I wanted more but to hear the voice of God for myself, but I didn't want to put in the effort. a lukewarm Christian with a flawed sense of salvation is all I really became.
Christianity is meant to be hard, but the yoke of Christ when you truly decide to throw off the weight of the world is where the peace lies.
and I'm still throwing the crates of the world overboard.
"and there are strange exciting hints in the Bible that when we are drawn in, a great many other things in nature will begin to come right. the bad dream will be over: it will be morning."
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