12 days of thanks

day 6

(I really wish I did 3 days of thanks l o l)

thankful for my spiritual leaders.

for pmike: for showing me what a personal relationship looks like and feels like, to understand that God knows me

for peter jdsn: for teaching me to open the Word and discover that it's words are living and active, and to seek deeper understanding

for mike hyung: for teaching me discipline, hard work, perseverance, for being the older brother I never had.

for smn: my spiritual mother, the shining example of what it looks like when you have found favor in the Lord, for teaching me Jesus.

12 days of thanks

day 5

thank you to Joseph.

I never thought I would make a friend like you, with how we met and how our relationship has developed.

you have taught me that friendships take effort, and friendships are things that the things you add can never be taken out; they are there for good.

to have a brother in christ is something i have longed for, and the Lord has blessed me by sending you; and i hope i can be a blessing unto you as well.

we are fighting these battles together, and it feels darn good to not be alone in this war. high five, gypsy.

12 days of thanks

day 4

thankful for ohma.

for the unconditional love God has for me, manifested in you. 

for the times you've made me hotdog ketchup dishes, or mooshed corn beef hash into shapes, or making kamja gook (but then sometimes adding that dumb pollack to make bookuhgook), or bringing me pound cake after work, making shirley temples

you taught me to love others and to serve them with your hospitality and warmness; sometimes you work too hard. working for noona and me, giving us money whenever we ask for it, i dont think you've ever said no to us. defending us instead of disciplining, loving us so that we would love ourselves. 

doing boo-ong for you or massaging your back or stepping on your back (when I wasn't so fat) is not nearly what you deserve, for all the hours you work or the hurt you feel, but you are my mother and a wonderful one. 

your treasures in heaven are all deserved because everything i am is because of how you have loved me (and fed me), and how you are still loving me (and feeding me). 

12 days of thanks

day 3

thankful for my dad

now it's not because he just gave me money for christmas, but really, i am so thankful.

when i was just a little boy, you taught me how to put lotion on my face every morning and we would do the song together and at the end we would rub our hands really fast.

warm memories.

you are a traditional korean dad, but you never hit me or made me feel bad about grades or school, you respect my space and my growth even though i am still immature, and yes, i still complain about you but i just complain because i am still just a boy. my complaints hold nothing to how well you have done to raise me.

these days it's hard, and there are times where it's hard to love you. but underneath the bitterness and struggling to come to terms with my emotions, what's buried at the center is my desire to honor you. none of us are perfect, but we can still try. you're still here, so i'm still here, and we are going to make the best of what time we have.

12 days of thanks

day 2

thankful for my sister.

I don't know where to begin and honestly I don't know where I would end.

but dang,

truly a sibling relationship is irreplaceable, unmistakable. and you have help shape me to who I am now today.

you're engaged now, and it's crazy and that's a whole topic in itself but from the bottom of my heart,

chase your happiness, dream and achieve because you have put in your work and be well pleased with what has come out.

I still think you have ways to go, but you are a fearless woman, so go and conquer and be happy. you deserve it.

thanks noonjoon

12 days of thanks

u right God, I complain too much.

I don't need to turn to blog when I'm sad, let me use this space for something else for once.

12 days of thanks, day 1

We ought always to give thanks to God for you, brothers, as is right, because your faith is growing abundantly, and the love of every one of you for one another is increasing.

Therefore we ourselves boast about you in the churches of God for your steadfastness and faith in all your persecutions and in the afflictions that you are enduring.

2 Thessalonians 1:3‭-‬4

-

thank you God for my youth class.

for how they endure and encourage one another, for they experience the struggles I cannot understand and yet you have allowed them to trust me when they share their pains.

they inspire me to be a better man, to show them that the dependence on You reflects the longings of my heart; what better way to glorify You then amongst my brothers.

I have to be a good role model, not because I want to prove anything to them, but because Lord I shall not stumble your sheep, your precious children that you have entrusted to me in this time.

They are blooming before my eyes, I can see the light of your love bringing life to them; behold, your priesthood.

thank you for their youthfulness, their energy and their eagerness to seek you. you give me the honor of being a part of their lives, so let me return it by lifting all the glory to you.

we have a long way to go, but dang, we're gonna fight through it together. use me God, lead me so I can lead them.

today I ran into a wall

career related, again. but I don't want to whine about it.

not today satan.

I know there's a place I belong, and it's not here. 

I'm going to try my hardest, I promise you God, I will try, because in all things You have called me to excellence. 

but if I don't make it, if I dont make their expectations, if I disappoint them and-

not today satan. 

wherever I am going, however You are taking me there, let it be so. and let me praise You all the way til the end.

I used to want to die a good man, I still do, but let me die a godly man, because in the end it is Him in whom i shall give my testimony. and my testimony will not be a story of my redemption or my glory but it will be an account of how vast the Father's love is for me, and when all's said and done, all that matters is just that 

and only that. 

the problem of pain: interjection

when wrestling against these things

it's very easy to stop the match when it starts to look bad

but we wrestle until the end

so either I will receive deliverance or I will die trying to taste it

either way,

come Lord, I wait for You.

the problem of pain: divine omnipotence

"try to exclude the possibilities of suffering which the order of nature and the existence of free wills involve, and you will find that you have excluded life itself" (25)

would I rather be free or would I rather be shackled?

if I knew the outcome of my actions before the decision to go through with it, have I really given it any thought?

if everything is happy and everyone is happy then does happy hold any meaning?

there is a problem with pain and I haven't gotten that far in the book to answer that question intelligently, so let me respond from my flawed emotional heart.

my problem with pain is not that it's meaningless or serves no purpose, my problem is in its very nature of being absolutely necessary.

if I want to experience happiness, then I must know what sadness is.

if I want to know peace, then I must know chaos in just the same way.

if I want to taste joy, then I must taste suffering.

unless my little relationship poetry is wrong, what if these things aren't opposites and maybe more importantly, what if these things aren't exclusive?

let me complain about my thorn again, the robot pierced into my side. from it, I've been suffering in ways I feel so lonely in:

"are you allowed to eat that?"

let me stop there before I go on forever.

pain is lessened when it is shared, but I have an exclusive thorn given to me from the genetic lottery in which I have never volunteered to spin the wheel, which God has not yet let another receive. I am so lonely in this suffering, and it's okay if another cannot emphasize, please stay as far away from the fingerpricks, needles, and medications for I wish no one would go through the trials God has put me through.

I am not here to complain (again), but to reevaluate. because from my thorn I have missed the stem on which it is attached to, and from that stem is a flower, a display of "the grand scheme of things," the work of a Creator.

from this specific pain:

I have received humility, knowing that I am mortal and I am weak. and from humility I have dependence on God, and from dependence, I have a relationship.

I am being disciplined, to controlling my diet and medications and the little nuances of how wheat bread hits me 20 minutes after white bread, or how soda may as well be the diabetics elixer of life. and from discipline, comes health.

I am grateful, acknowledging the statistics that people like me live on average 10 years less than others, let me look for the little hints God has sprinkled in my life and let me cherish them with my whole heart until the day where I cannot cherish anything but the fullness of the Almighty.

I am maturing (slowly), seeing as how my weeping and lamenting can only get me so far, and with God, all things have already been made possible. not in miracles, but in realizing that I have legs that walk and arms that push, and with God, I have that choice to walk and push.

I have all these things, because of pain. I want to change my answer actually: the problem of pain is that pain has clouded my eyes from (this might not be the right word) the source of it all: all things, good or bad (to me), the pains and pleasures of life,

God.

pain is necessary because in this reality in which I am subject to, without it, I would have nothing else. if I did not have pain, there is no depth to myself, and if I do not have myself, then I am not alive.

curiously, the natural antagonist to life is death, but I do not need to experience death to live, because Christ died for me. and Christ took death and took Dominion over it, so now Jesus has turned the polarity of life and death into the harmony of Christ and life.

all in all, I'm alive.

remember 1

Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.

Jesus please

I'm not used to this.

to look at myself and rip open my heart to look for what is broken. what is sinful, and to pull it out along with my shame and guilt. to present it up as the only offering I can present that does not disappear in my palm.

to stand before the Almighty to answer for my life in which I have no words, no excuses to give.

I am someone who should have received judgment because I am not many things: I am not ambitious nor righteous nor just, I am none of these things.

but I am a sinner.

but as sure as I know that I am a sinner, I know another thing to be just as true. that I  am not only a witness to the glory and majesty of Yahweh but I am a recipient of His love and mercy.

"But if Christ is in you, although the body is dead because of sin, the Spirit is life because of righteousness."

Lord, I know who I am. I know of the selfishness, the pride, the jealousy, the evil that even I cannot find the courage to type out.

cut me down, a tower of babel and the arrogance of the self, the tree I have grown of myself into the stump You desire to breathe life into.

and when You bloom me, let them see of the good You have sprung from what was once bad.

and be glorified.

arcade dreams

today I was reminded (again)

that God is for, and not against.

that my obedience is a response to the good that He is doing in my life and not a quote that prevents bad things from happening.

that things will work out

that I am loved, because I was first loved.

that I have a long way to go, but I've come a long way.

great is thy faithfulness

"The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him."

The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him.

-

why should I put my trust in things unclear

when time and time again the Lord has proven His great love for me

truly, peace is found in no other but the Almighty

-

It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord .

It is good for a man that he bear the yoke in his youth.

Let him sit alone in silence when it is laid on him;

let him put his mouth in the dust— there may yet be hope;

let him give his cheek to the one who strikes, and let him be filled with insults.

-

let me wait in silence, but in confidence.

deliverance is coming, salvation is already here.

prayer pt. I forgot

hello,

how are you, what's on your mind?

I'm okay, just a little confused here and there and I guess this is one of those times. my heart doesn't beat the same way sometimes, and I was wondering if you knew what's up.

overall everything is going well, sometimes the world gets a little heavy but it's nothing you can't lift. honestly, there's only one direction to go and I don't instead on sitting just yet so I'm gonna just keep going.

I think I should just say the rest out loud, one second.

no more handkerchiefs

You will seek me and find me,

when you seek me with all your heart.

life is like a corn maze

it is long and windy

and there's corn, 

everywhere. 

we are all in the corn maze 

and there are little hints that we all get

they tell us the right way to go. 

we will all eventually get out as long as we look for hints 

maybe more importantly, we will all eventually get out as soon as we decide to make that decision to get out

and not get lost in the corn and become a worm or get corn-fused like that 

and along the way you find someone:

to walk with you through the maze

to laugh and argue and figure out the questions and laugh and argue some more

and take pictures and hug and hold hands and go left and go right and sometimes backwards and sometimes in circles but

together,

and never forgetting,

that we were always meant to find our way out of this corn maze,

and we were always meant to get out some day.

we're still doing that, except now we're doing it together.

and that's good. really really good.

smol

"Fear not, little flock,

for it is your Father's good pleasure

to give you the kingdom."

spiritual poverty

only when I am weak can I become strong

only when I am empty can I be filled

only when I am rejected can I be loved.

hello God,

I'm crawling back to you again, 

ah nevermind. I actually don't have anything to say, but

is it ok for me to stay here for a little bit

a thing to be thankful for

the little shivers that run up my spine

and roll waves in my head 

in prayer and in conviction

by myself or with others or with her

regardless it is undeniable

that still,

You are here.

sleepy

I’ve banked your promises in the vault of my heart

    so I won’t sin myself bankrupt.

hope : : hidden 

8 8 18

ugly fish 

dinosaur vr 

matcha 

person lounge chair

ironic artist and marrow

bee card and bracelets and more medicine

bench

overalls and frat boy shorts

-

an unforgettable day divided into 27 shots

my heart is full.

there it is again

And you shall know that I am the Lord , when I open your graves, and raise you from your graves, O my people. And I will put my Spirit within you, and you shall live, and I will place you in your own land.

Then you shall know that I am the Lord;

I have spoken, and I will do it, declares the Lord ."

Then you shall know that I am the Lord

God,
I trust you.

well

my heart knows it well,

to wait upon the Lord for your deliverance

when the world is heavy and burdensome

but to see the goodness coming

to see a glimpse and to be told:

Wait.

i tend to forget.

before I forget

ohma's carmex in a tube

me and noona stuck in the back seat

appa driving, but he didn't have hair

my head hurts from the smell of leather

but really it's probably because of my phone

back then it used to be a book

but back then it was still a family

and so is this, still.

slept on it

"what is your purpose? no, not your dream, not your goal, not your career, not your job; 

what is your purpose?"

to love neverending, to pour out to my last breath to those around me, to follow and be like Christ and in all things, abide in You and bring to You all the glory.

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. 

Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, 

for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.

just just just

just stop.

stop wandering.

just pray.

for the love of God,

for the sake of your soul,

just hush child.

and pray.

listen.

it's okay,

just pray.

mountain ranges

before me, there are mountains:

some large, some small. some dusty and some full of lush grass. some with windy roads and some with paved paths and some with nothing at all.

I look back, and there are different mountains, they look far away, I've been through them.

I just want to sit down, but something stirs deep down to keep moving.

it's too late to go back, it didn't even cross my mind and it's not worth it anyway.

there's no use in staying put either.

then,

forward it is.

all i want is to be like You

-

so that in the end, 

i can be with You.

before the foxes come

praise you, God.

although I stumble in my metaphors

although they may see me as the fool

how can I not praise You, the Lord God Almighty?

it is easy to praise Him when things go well, and they say that true worship will come during the times of suffering, but sing, little soul, sing out for now is a time for rejoicing. rejoice, and say again, rejoice

Lord You love us, and You lavish upon Your children the blessings from Your hand in abundance. we have gathered under one name, one spirit, one crucifixition. immerse us in Your love.

I have nothing of value to give to You. Nothing in me is worth all that You have given me. Incomparable, unmistakable, undeniable, Lord You have redeemed us as Your people. let me stand before you, empty, forever if needed, because I want nothing but You.

it's easy to praise when things go right, but I rebuke the shame and guilt in this time: my God is deserving of all the worship.

let them say what they want

let my flesh tell me how undeserving I am,

but may my tongue never cease in the confession that my God, my God, how worthy is He!

7:55pm

can i just stay here, right in this moment?

just reading, listening, singing, worshipping, praising, praying, alone with You

nothing else,

just sitting cross legged in this chair, being.. surrounded, engulfed, drowning

becoming aware, filled, nourished, at peace by Your presence

can i just stay here?

it's 8:00pm, calendar says go to the gym

but should i go? do i have to go?

-

you can stay, or you can go.

i am with you. 

-

okay,

then i go.

out

"even though You slay me,
why would I run back to you"
asks a bitter heart

"because He has done
the same for me"
responds the one who has tasted
and seen what is Good.

-

I stopped praying in my head a long time ago. I decided that my thoughts are impure, volatile, untrustworthy. so I made a uh, deal with God, do not listen to my thoughts. do not judge me based on what I think, let me filter it out and declare to you out loud. listen only to the prayers I say with my mouth. I won't mix the good with the bad in my head.

I've been having bad dreams. dreams of things I thought I didn't think I would deal with again. dreams that I think reflect my deepest thoughts, the things I've tried to hide from God with my life.

I couldn't really see why they have to come up now? for what purpose? I woke up this morning so frustrated and afraid of was to come.

God knows my sins and yet He calls me by name.

maybe it's time. the beginning of a deeper fight, for light to touch the places left to wither in the dark by my own heart.

"My frame was not hidden from you,

when I was being made in secret,

intricately woven in the depths of the earth."

maybe You have already seen all the things I've been trying to hide in the depths of my head,

maybe it's time we get this over with,

let the heart and flesh fail and fall,

go through the thousand failures and defeats,

layers and layers of shame and guilt,

deeper and deeper

through what is broken and cast aside

deeper and deeper

:

a single conversation between father and son

"you know what, you're a good dad"

saying it out loud as if I had decided in that moment,

instead of accepting it in my heart for my entire life.

"no one is perfect"

plugged

"how close do you think we are?"

how close do you think we are?

"do you trust me?"

do you trust Me?

-

it's been hard. really hard. not hard because I don't know, because it's all before me now. everything is in front of me,

but it's hard because I don't know what to do with it.

I have the truth, I sought it, and it was given to me. now what?

I have been anointed or whatever or however I got here but I'm here, my heart's ready. now what?

we're here, but still there's that one thing. we got so far but still, chained to something I can't budge no matter what I do. now what?

"why do you think im here?"

-im here because despite what you think about me or what you believed my intentions are, I'm here because I care about you and want to help you, even if I can't help you now, I'm here because I need to at least try for you. because that's what friends do, that's what family does, that's what I'm called to do.

why do you think I'm here?

I think that despite what I think about You or what I believed Your intentions are, You are here because You care about me and want to help Me, and even if I say I don't want Your help, You still try for me because that's what friends do, that's what family does, that's what You are going to do.

-

I prayed for You to stretch me, but just before I break. I am still afraid in many ways, lacking in the self confidence that I desperately need to do any of these things.

but I think that's what it's going to take. to be stretched past the point of rebounding back to my original shape, but to be stretched and snapped, broken by the mighty hand that will break everything else in the process, the immovable rock, the fear and confusion, even what is broken will be broken even further.

broken so that I can finally understand your pain. so I can finally understand the need of the flock. so I can finally understand how to take care of you.

so that finally, I can finally hear nothing else but the wind of Your Spirit, covering me through all the seasons, leading me in wonder to your footsteps.

if You need to break me, then break me in my faith. if I need to die then let me die in my faith, knowing that my crown is not found where I have hoarded my treasure inside the shed, where the rats and robbers have already robbed me. but my crown is one that shines forever as my God is,

and they will not take my crown away.

climbing still

The purpose in a man's heart is like deep water,

but a man of understanding will draw it out.
-
show me Lord,

for I am the wretched sinner.

show me Father how someone like me

can understand.

guide me Spirit, and teach me to dig up the dirt that covers the wells.

show me the cost, all that it takes,

how much I must lose to finally gain.

Jesus, give me strength and courage to die to myself, so that I might live for something,

finally,

a purpose.

worthy worthy worthy.

for so long

what was life before You?

I don't remember,

I don't remember life that way.

"For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven and do not return there but water the earth, making it bring forth and sprout, giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater, so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it. "

there is purpose

from what started as a drizzle, is now a storm.

and I am drowning

please
let me see a little further.

s t r e t c h e d

so once again tod-

actually it's fine.

errrrr maybe not fine

but it'll be okay

just one thing at a time

it'll be okay

listen and obey

listen and obey

listen and obey

listen and obey,

now what?

listen and obey.

Lord let me see what You have planned,

or if not, the strength to wait for You.

paralyze

if there's anything I've learned over these past few weeks,

anything spoken, felt, heard

it's that with whatever God does, it's never just for a single purpose.

when He moves life expands, branches into a million new doors and a billion new trials and blessings, a web where each strand i choose to slide on is absolutely complicated and chaotic to me, but somehow perfectly in line and on time to God.

-

at the top of the mountain just above the clouds, His hand glides over before me, and the clouds swirl up and the wind blows into the valleys and canyons in melody, as if proclaiming the glory of the strength of Him. the winds stir the sea, crashing and roaring violently in a strength that pales in comparison to the hand that swept over the earth. I am in awe, but not afraid. Humbled, but not cast out by the hand that swept over the earth.

faithful to the end

It will be said on that day,

"Behold, this is our God; we have waited for him, that he might save us.

This is the Lord ; we have waited for him; let us be glad and rejoice in his salvation."

-

from beginning to the end,

rejoice, beloved. rejoice.

important:

it's very important to listen to yourself.

to understand your emotions so that you can carry on in a logical, safe manner,

to keep your heart safe and your mind steady.

but this is not one of those times.

suspend thoughts and plans,

rewards and consquences,

and let go and surrender.

speak, child, speak.

give the grave only bones

hear the rattle of weakness

my groans and complaints

heavy eyelids, heavier worries

collapsed on the carpet, again, again.

see how He works, how He moves, how He uses you

give thanks, for grace and for strength;

pray,

and now, rest.

come alive

And he said to me, "Son of man, can these bones live?" And I answered, "O Lord God , you know."

to be more than

bones joints flesh

to be more than just me.

to be declared alive only after receiving breath,

I am just a body.

O Lord God, you know.

I want to be more than just a body.

I want to be alive.

wops

" I'm no leader.

good worshipper, sure. no leader. i just don't have what it takes. "

today I spoke it and confessed it, but then couldn't say where I heard it from. 

today I was reminded, once again, I am many things and I am not many things, but in the context of what God wants through me, then His will be done. 

today I realized that I still hold on, to pride and image, and today I realized to hell with all of that. 

once again, dingdong, I saw in myself desperately holding on to something that I can't carry with me, and then I felt, I need to let go. 

I am something now, but let me become nothing, so You can be everything. I didn't want all of You, but I need all of You. I didn't want to give it all up, but that's the cost huh, to take away everything not to be empty, but to make room. 

i have nothing of value to give to you but still, You will give nothing less than all of You.

spring up, old wells

in the places that were once dry

now begins to fill up

not by pouring into or the rain,

but something deeper.

how often

will I let fear take away a piece of the joy again?

little by little

doubt chips away at the fullness of His gift

a gift meant for me

a gift pulled apart by the little tugs of this world

look at me, and reach out

reach out, beloved,

through my trembling and tears,

past the cold and dark,

even past the warmth and light,

oh reach out even further,

reach out.

this is what you do

this is what You do,

You make all things new.

it is bursting through

alive.

9 13 17

dear lord,

thank you for the days that are good.

thank you for the days that aren't.

regardless of what kind of day tomorrow will be,

I would like You to be there.

thank you.

bookclub

"If you want to get warm you must stand near the fire: if you want to be wet you must get into the water. 

If you want joy, power, peace, eternal life, you must get close to, or even into, the thing that has them" (176).

In the daily struggles of focusing on God or understanding and holding fast to the sacrifice of Christ, I pray pretty frequently. I pray for peace and strength, for clarity and wisdom, I pray for things that will help me conquer my problems.

but I never seem to, for lack of a better word, try.

I don't dive into my bible, I read a chapter from my reading plan and sleep right after.

I don't read Christian books, I send an email every 2 weeks and flip through a couple of pages and call it a day.

I don't pour out love like how Christ has done for me, I ask how someone is doing and then shut off my ears.

Jesus came down as man, and as a man, experienced what the flesh encounters. I know this, and this is why I know I have a God that sympathizes with me. But why is it that I cannot conquer my problems like Christ?

I'm starting to realize I cannot look at Jesus alone, or God the Father alone, or lean on the holy spirit alone, but I must see how they are all one, singular Trinity of God. 

How in this unity, all things stream forth and all things return. So the things that I long for in my life aren't things that are to be simply given to me, but they are things that must stream forth and return; I need to be a part of this unity.

I think this is what it means to be a child of God. To abide in Him and He abides in me. 

a call to persevere

remember those earlier days after you had received the light, when you stood your ground in a great contest in the face of suffering

do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded.

you need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you receive what He has promised.

for in just a very little while, "He who is coming will come and will not delay. But my righteous one will live by faith. and if he shrinks back, I will not be pleased with him."

but we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed

but of those

who believe and are saved.

me irl

field notes

3 different places, only unfamiliarity where once I felt safe.

no lie, I feel so out of it all. thinking and then trying so hard, then I kick back and try to 'be myself' but then I find that even I am unfamiliar to me.

is this losing control? I haven't even let anything go, I just can't do it. this is not surrender.

still, God is in control yes right. what can I do right now but pray about it?

-

And the fear of God came on all the kingdoms of the countries when they heard that the Lord had fought against the enemies of Israel.

So the realm of Jehoshaphat was quiet,

for his God gave him rest all around.


we will see.

a windmill

flowers grow even when no one watches

they bloom because that's just what they do

I am more than just a flower

still growing.

...

if I was a plant I would be kev-fern.

all things, just a moment

I'm okay with letting these kind of days pass

because You have even better ones ahead.

-/12

feels like im just getting pummelled over and over again until the bell rings and stumble back against the ropes

splash water to make sure I don't close my eyes and hear instruction: 

keep your gloves up

protect your head

cover your heart

trust Me.

pushed back out for another round with the devil

I guess if I'm not down and out, I'm not losing

but I'm going to swing one day, and swing very very hard

teach me 

worn

tired. 

I can't sleep this one off, the feeling of inadequacy and fear of failure

there's a new one though, 

the thought of doing the right thing the wrong way

what do you even call that 

remind me, God, of my purpose

but Jesus, please,

teach me.

6.60 miles / million

growing pains

endure, and stand up taller.

for even this has its purpose.

-

everything today was so significant

from that morning conversation to the midday yelling to the night sharing, all of it.

I sat in the bathroom today cause I was so sick of getting yelled at over a stupid word doc and prayed, "God, everything has its purpose right? even this. sitting on a toilet?"

even this.

even this.

stop shaking your leg

bankruptcy

God, sorry.

let me just spill my guts so it stops churning inside me:

the more I learn, the more I try, 

but the more I try, the more I fail,

and the more I fail, the more pointless all of this is to me.

im sliding into that place again; God speak to a stubborn heart.

bankrupt, again.

this is not just lacking, this is once having something and losing it, and now having nothing.

so in the end, this is my fault. I'm not mad at You or anyone, I'm just - 

yeah. 

Im back in that place again. 

but I remember what happened the last time I was here.

how I ended up there, but more importantly, what I found there.

in my loneliness, in my brokenness, in my anxiety,

in my emptiness,

there is,

room.

Come, and be filled again.

to a ______,

hopefully one day you will read this and one day-
-

He has made everything beautiful in its time.

Also, he has put eternity into man's heart,

yet so that he cannot find out

what God has done from the beginning to the end.

-

there is a birds nest in my backyard, on top of a step ladder, under the lemon tree. inside this nest, there are two small eggs.

I don't know when they were laid, nor will I know when they will hatch, nor will I know when they will fly away; but I do know that all these things will happen.

I check on these eggs whenever I can, making sure that the mama bird isnt keeping them warm, because I just want to see them. whenever I look at them I get so warm inside knowing that one day these still, fragile eggs will one day be birds.

so I check on these eggs, knowing that today, they probably are still little eggs, but even the eggs themselves are so nice to look at. but even more so, the very thought of coming to this nest one day and not seeing eggs, but birds, alive and chirping, nestled inside a humble twig home is just so

so

beautiful.

but,

you are not a bird.

you are not an egg.

you are an amazingly complicated, incredibly unique and wonderfully crafted human being, experiencing and enduring the confusing and sometimes painful mystery of God's plan that has been given to you because of His great love and delight for you, for now and forever.

the funny and frustrating thing about forever is that there aren't really any checkpoints or reference points to anchor to, there is just an infinite expanse. that can be scary and at times too much of a burden, but within this infinite expanse, there is an infinite God, who has promised you something in the context of forever: not to put something beautiful in your life, but to make your life itself beautiful.

more beautiful than you already are, and more beautiful than you think you can possible be, a beauty that follows forever in the footsteps of an infinite Creator; the author of you, His masterpiece.

I know that you are sick of me asking if you are still an egg, but I can't help it because

a) you are not an egg I can just look at and say, yes this is still an egg, and

b) I'm just so excited.

excited to see you one day feeling more than just okay, more than just happy, more than just joyful, but one day knowing that God has finally finished with your circumstances and is ready to let you come out of the shell and fly.

I don't know when that'll be, and neither will you, but you will get there,

and it will have been worth the time.

worship: in summary

-dont know how to strap a strap

-cant get rid of the quivers in my voice

-horrible at transitions

-cant play bm to save my life

this week I learned,

I don't know the "calling out lines before the verse" thing

or how to play 90% of barre chords.

but I know who I worship and that He who sees and listens to me delights in me.

I can't lead a worship

I can't deal with the people congratulating/criticizing me.

but I can just sing anyway.

if they want to join me, they can go ahead.

but today, I had only one thing on my mind.

-

I hope You like it.

since Your love got a hold on me

every push forward,

a struggle,

but maybe purposeful.

every prayer said,

rough,

but maybe authentic.

my heart,

torn,

but maybe, healing.

since Your love got a hold of me.

1:17

if this thorn can be driven in this deep,

how much more can love fill.

further and further,

if this the cost of glory,

then give me a crown.

if this thorn brings me to my knees,

then let it be done before You.

"Behold, I go forward, but he is not there, and backward, but I do not perceive him;

on the left hand when he is working, I do not behold him; he turns to the right hand, but I do not see him.

But he knows the way that I take;
when he has tried me,

I shall come out as gold.

"For he will complete what he appoints for me, and many such things are in his mind.

Therefore I am terrified at his presence; when I consider, I am in dread of him.

God has made my heart faint; the Almighty has terrified me;

yet I am not silenced because of the darkness, nor because thick darkness covers my face."

lay out

forgive me for my recklessness

for people to change, for circumstances to inprove, for life to turn around

why do I want these things? for myself.

selfish.

I hate this thing called pride, I hate the devil. I hate myself because I keep letting him win.

I hate these conversations and scenarios that I make up in my head that dont exist and yet it kills my heart.

again and again and again, I've realized im not sensitive I'm just

insecure.

faithless.

whatever adjective the devil has convinced me that I am, I am.

but today,

I gave it up.

trying to change circumstances and hearts

trying to be God

but, I am not God,

I am not You.

I am just a boy

who knows nothing but Love,

love that conquers

and endures

and still,

a love that loves me.

I know a Jesus, who even in my confusion and pain and frustration, loves me.

and what else can I do,

but be loved right now?

what else can I do, God,

but be loved by you?

scared

still I twitch at the thought of taking another step

a step where I don't know whether or not it's backwards forwards or sideways

but it's a step that You have called me to take

even without a specific direction

is it intentional, to test my faith?

can I be scared and still have faith?

ill let it out now God, I am scared.

but there's something below the fear

the anxiety and the suffering,

there is the trembling in my heart

because I hear the roar of Your deliverance

but I don't know if it's behind me or ahead of me

but I know it's coming

I am already doing these things.

then I'll do what I can,

I hope.

no other fount I know

I am already doing these things.

for these things

are not the thing itself; they are only the scent of a flower we have not found, the echo of a tune we have not heard, news from a country we have never yet visited.

-

I was looking at this, well everything actually, and trying to figure out what it is I'm looking at by comparing it to what I knew, something familiar to me.

is this happy? let me compare it to watching kids play in a park while old Asian people play flute and sing songs.

is this sad? let me compare it to collapsing behind the door where snack lay lifeless wrapped in a towel.

I am looking at this and I want to call it beautiful but beauty usually makes me feel at peace but this,

this is fire in blood and the death of the flesh and ressurection of the soul

this is something my heart does not want, but what my spirit is crying out and grasping for

this is Glory,
this is God.

so God would you take this heart and quiet it, so my spirit can hear a new song, see a new sight, find a new Love.

follow the flowers

The Lord turned to him and said, “Go in the strength you have and save Israel out of Midian’s hand. Am I not sending you?

I have not much, God

but if you are filling in the empty source,

who then, shall I fear?

-

lord make me brave

3:12am

but where sin increased, grace increased all the more
-

I feel like there's something bad coming.

as Julianne said, why do I always think good things always come paired with bad things? like a bicycle with one circle wheel and a square wheel, where every complete pedal has a rough bump (is that a bad come-pair-ison?)

today I felt weird again. I try not to let the weird feelings make it too far, I'm always afraid of making a reckless move. so I let it come up and then I chose to shelf it, and chose to stay positive and wholesome like I've been trying to do all of 2018.

I've been having more of these weird moments, days, whatever. maybe because I'm sunburned again and my brain is fried, or maybe the nasal spray is clouding my head. maybe it's the diabetes and the vitamin imbalance. whatever. devil's probably trying to attack me in this time of goodness and I just gotta tell him to stay out. they must all be signs, so my prayer request is that God equip me and prepare me for the next season of struggles.

ah but no, today was really, really, really weird. something is tugging at me to buckle down and look at it. it's 3:26 now, why not?

the way I've been talking: the words and the tones, how it changes from person to person, from work to church to home. how reckless and lazy I've been in teaching and accountability and serving. how it's been so hard to be patient these days with my parents and my sister and my friends, how I've been thinking about cutting people out of my life but what for? for pride? bad influence? for self satisfaction? God, be patient with me, but where is Lucy? the drive? the passion? the heart? your heart in me? the things to look forward to? finally I'm dreaming again, but all these dreams are just pointless.

3:32, let me stop, please.

God, when did things become so cold in my heart? how did I get here and when did the sun get so far away?

I think I'm already in it, that season. I think I've been in it for a little bit for a while. I think that while I was clinging on with dear life onto my little patch of grass, the devil dug up everything around me.

this week there was no Friday service, no poiema. look how far that skid is. I've been scraping the bare minimum and so it makes sense that when I lose one leg from my church tripod, the whole thing gets a little shaky.

I don't know how I got here, in this pit, but Your presence is somehow already here. I'm still clinging on to this little grass patch called Grace and it's all I have in this place.

I call that,
a good start.

it's 3:48 but it's good to see You again.

_

preach the gospel

readers become leaders, right mr pae?

-

what is the gospel, Kevin?

the gospel is the good news.

what is the good news, Kevin?

Jesus, fully God, came and, fully human, died for the sins of all people because of His great love all people.

for who, kevin?

for people.

for who, Kevin?

ooh the sinners.

for who, Kevin?

for us?

for who, Kevin?

for me?

for you.

what is the gospel, Kevin?

the gospel is the good news that Jesus, fully God, came and, fully human, died for my sins because of His great love, for me.

today I learned (or re learned) that I need to preach the gospel to myself.

the good news is for me too.

to be fervent in spirit

today in the car I asked You if a thorn is necessary for the glory

and then I thought to myself:

when did I get so lazy,

what happened to the passion

who blew out the fire

where did my heart go

I'm grateful God, really I am.

Thank you for all of this

but I'm trading it in now,

all of this

for a crown of thorns,

just like my Jesus

and I wanna be just like you

quickly

you don't really know what it looks like

until it finally blooms

I know it's not this

but it's something.

in the meantime, it's just

nice.

take Your time.

bass

today I feel like poop. 

physically mentally spiritually, not good. 

not at all. 

barely prayed today.

didn't talk to accountability partners

sneezed my lungs out and ripped my nose up 

showed little love to those God has called me to love.

drank soda (forgive me for I have sinned)

drove way too much for things I didn't want to do

sigh.

but today I picked up a bass 

and remembered,

as a child, learning what worship was

what praise was.

chords, sheet music, pitter patter of fingers on strings, tap your foot tap your foot, stop looking down at the stand.

remember when James used to always poke you with the Gibson and you would poke him back and he would untune your strings lmao

or the first time you played the bass line of  til I see you at winter retreat on a whim and  Jonathan looked back and he was so proud

or Charles hyung kept telling Dynamics at us or that one time we had to throw out our set completely and that's when Michael coined spontaneous worship I love it.

the little Lyon bass ohma bought you from Target and it didn't even work so you had to plug your ears and put your chin on the guitar so that you could feel the vibrations

I think about it now and I sort of see You being so happy to see me with that cheap little bass, going to Borders when it was still open and buying Bass for Dummies because I was a dummy but I wanted to learn. so happy even though You knew I had no idea what I was doing and even though You knew I sounded terrible.

I think about today and I sort of see You again, in the same place, with the same reaction,

except Your face is a little clearer

and Your smile a little wider

and a little bit more happier.

and my face got a little more clearer

and my smile was a little wider

and I am a little bit more...

happier.

hope

is at the bottom of a bottle.

-

nothing that I've done,

nothing that she's done,

but everything that You have done for us.

everything that You've allowed for us,

and I guess a new thing:

everything that You want for us.

I'm not used to it,

but I really really like it.

-

it gets better

ohhhhh man are you serioussssss

all who are thirsty

dip your heart in the stream of life and be washed away

-

I forget sometimes,

even though my shame is deep,

when the water pours in,

it starts at the bottom first;

and then it rises,

and then it overflows.

as I come crawling back to this place,

with questions I don't know how to word

looking for answers I don't know how to use,

to a place where You are,

in my brokenness and confusion

scuffed and scratched,

I curl up next to You

and without words,

You cover me.

if You don't mind, God,

I'd like to just lay here for a little bit.

calibrate

For Christ did not send me to baptize but to preach the gospel,

and not with words of eloquent wisdom,

lest the cross of Christ be emptied of its power.

1 Corinthians 1:17

-

get it together.

shut up, stand aside, let God work.

and never give up on love.

hands

my hands are ugly

overall, they're way too small.

my fingers are too short, and they're pretty chubby. James calls them Hobbit hands.

they have sparse hair on the segments and since my skin is pale, they show up even more.

on my left hand, there's a scar right in the middle where some guy who didn't cut his fingernails wrestled me in high school during a match and cut me. there's a mole at the first knuckle of my middle finger (reminder: see a dermatologist about that one) and two moles side to side near the wrist. two recent mosquito bites that I couldnt help but rip at scratch at and now they're just dark craters on my skin.

on my right hand, there's a scar on the last part of my middle finger, from when my hand accidentally hits the rim of a snare because I have bad technique. another two old mosquito bites, one near the middle and one at the wrist at the crease, dark and faded. then of course, a bright pink spot where my middle knuckle should be from when I burned my entire hand and face during Jonathan's BBQ and it fell out as I was running water over my hand.

when I stretch out my arms and stretch out my hands and look at them, they just don't look right to me.

hm.

but as I hold them out, You reach Your arms out and hold my hands in yours and you look at them and say:

I can use these hands.

well,

they're all Yours.

your heart the father's heart

today a little church boy yelled out from across the gym, "do you have diabetes?!"

his friend said, "my dad said it's because he ate too much ice cream."

I don't know who they are and I don't know how they know but for a split second I remembered a place I don't like going back to:

a young boy with a bowlcut,

stuck in the restroom fumbling with a blood test meter

I wonder if the kids thought it was weird seeing someone in the stall not using the toilet

E5, E5, E5. three strips wasted because i never pressed the needle hard enough into my skin to draw enough blood

one time I dropped the vial on the floor and it bounced once but shattered on the second fall and goodbye insulin for one month. I didn't eat that day.

skipping shots and skipping blood tests because I didn't want them to wonder why I always left for five minutes at the beginning of lunch

pretending I was ok while I was slowly killing myself because I was too ashamed of who I was.

all because a voice told me "you're different but not in a good way"

not sad enough for sympathy

not known enough for care

tired of explaining to people that I didn't get diabetes because I ate bad I just got... unlucky. I don't know which reason is worse.

sick of being sick so instead I boarded it up and turned the lights off and just just just,

told them to forget about it.

told myself to forget about it.

to forget about me.

just leave it alone

just leave me alone.

-

what's up here?

nothing.

can't be nothing.

nothing you want to see.

I do want to see it

fine, nothing I want to show you

why?

because, its nothing.

do you know we can do with 'nothing'?

-

you take nothing, and you make something,

then you take something, and give me everything.

I'm starting to get it a little:

why I feel these things, sometimes these terrible, painful things and sometimes these indescrible, joyful things

why I have disease and sweaty palms.

I'm starting to get it a little, because you are turning on the lights.

and you are making me feel things I don't want to feel, or feel things i try to never feel again.

because when I find myself in the dark again with panic attacks and weeping and falling falling falling, you turn on the light and stoop down to hold me and say

this is my heart. I know how you feel and I am with you.

you let me go into the darkest deepest places and still, just to show me that your light is there still. that you are there still.

and God I have been in dark places and now Im starting to get it a little.

because when they feel the things they don't want to feel, the things they have been trying not to feel

I can step down into the dark with them and feel with them and hold on to them in the desperation and tell them to wait for the light

because God has already been here my friend, in this dark dark place, and there is already a lightbulb in here.

this is my heart for you, I know how you feel and I am with you. and He,

is with us.

- -

for a split second I remembered this place.

and how God was there, too.

I remembered the place

I remember what I felt.

but I did not feel those things.

I looked back at those kids and yelled back

"diabetes can't stop me from eating ice cream"

and we laughed.

it's another one of those days

where you just throw your hands up to the sky

trying to think of something worth a little more.

but in the end all that I can manage to sputter out:

thank you Jesus.

lesson 1 / x

empathy without love is pity;

but compassion calls forth healing over pain for all.

I'm jumping into the pit with you, my friend.

because I'd rather suffer with purpose than live without joy.

and as we fight and push back,

God fights and pushes back with us

for He is for us.

who can stand against our God?

what can stand against our God?

nothing.

an open prayer

dear God:

have mercy on me, the sinner.

You are glorious, you are almighty, you are holy, and I confess with my lips and with the fear in my heart that You are God.

I am undeserving. Of any of this. Of the body you've entrusted to me to nurture, of this heart youve molded to pour out love, of a mind you've envisioned to be pure: God I have done nothing. I am the one who has fallen away from his original design.

have mercy on me, the sinner.

I don't understand.

How you can still love me, how you can relentlessly demand and pursue me. how you can bleed and die for someone like me, God please, I am not worth it but you keep saying that I am.

but you keep saying that I am.

but you keep saying that I am worth something.

you see something in me that I don't see in myself,

because when I look inside myself I see nothing good. only someone trying to be.

but there has to be something

because when I look at the youth group, I see how much You love them and how much You've grown them right before my eyes. How much they've matured not just as boys and girls, but as believers and kingdom fighters.

because when I look at my family, and despite of our dysfunctional and broken relationships, there are tiny moments of laughter and peace and I feel like that something from my past that I've been longing for is still there

because when I look at julianne i see someone who is so engulfed in you and so beloved, so beautiful and wonderful inside and out, and yet she WILLINGLY chooses someone like me

because when I look at my life and how useless I've been for 25 years and yet you still shake me awake in the morning and even though sometimes I just want to give up you put the air in my lungs and tell me that You still trust me to do the right thing.

because when I look at these things I can't help but throw my hands up in frustration because I can't accept that it's really that simple and that easy. I can't accept that it's all about love: a single, intimate, personal relationship between creator and creation. I can't accept that You care about me. I can't accept that You ...

I look at these things and can't look at You. I'm just ashamed.

have mercy on me, a child.

I have nothing to give to you, and you are still offering an unfair exchange of a life worth something for someone worth nothing.

have mercy on me.



dear God,

you are my portion and my strength.

you are my peace and my salvation.

you are the love of my life.

you have made me bloom in the desert

and kept me secure by your word in a dark place

you fill me when I am dry

and feed me when I am hungry

and hold me when I am lonely

you have never left my side.

you count down the breaths I have left

until I can come home to you

but until then God be the wind in my sails

the path that I run on

the treasure I have sought and found.

have mercy on me, my God

amen

mornings and resonance

a woman came up to him with an alabaster flask of very expensive ointment, and she poured it on his head as he reclined at table. And when the disciples saw it, they were indignant, saying,

"Why this waste?

-

I have already decided

there is no turning back,

from surrender.

as much as my head and my heart longs to turn back to where I was just ok

where there were things easily given and taken

but things that one day Ill have to let go of to hold the hand that walks me home

these things,

careers, dogs, new life, cheap chinese food, guitars and drumsticks, puns and jokes, little letters in a box

although beautiful,

although safe in my alabaster jar,

I have already decided

to pour it out to You,

because I have decided

that Jesus,

you are more beautiful.

-

all of my hopes, all of my fears

all of my wants and all of my years

everything now, everything then,

all of my life I resolve

You are worthy of it all.

god,

there is a ball covered in glass

and each layer of glass has been broken

and on the edges of the break, there is blood.

blood that is not mine, but blood that belongs to the hand trying to break through the glass.

a hand that violently and blindly beats on the next layer until it cracks and until it shattered again, revealing what's under all the glass.

it's not worth getting hurt, trying to reach the center.

and yet You still continue to chip away to reach a heart that put up the layers and layers of glass in the first place.

the thing about glass, He says

is that I can still see

what I'm chipping towards

who I'm bleeding for

He says,

this is worth it.

_

dear God,

I am scared.

now I'm so so scared.

scared of losi-

hm

but in my fear, You reveal love

and love then,

casts out fear.

god have mercy on me

be patient, be kind

be first to be last

cling to truth and endure in suffering

turn your eyes back to Jesus

and be reminded of the cost

not to be burdened

or to be shamed

but to be engulfed in love

Cast your burden on the Lord

and He will sustain you;

He will never permit the righteous to be moved.

Psalms 55:22

I'm reaching out to you,
but I think it might be better
if I just run to you

this love is an every day kind of love

I don't want just the Sunday love,

or the Friday love,

or the worship love,

or the prayer room love

I want all of it, in every moment no matter what emotion I'm feeling that day

for Your mercies are new every morning

and I crave renewal with the morning star

God, provide. provide provide.

5,7

You, alone. 

-

and this is what it feels like,

to lose control

and this is what it feels like,

to let go

and now they're on the ocean floor

when they know, they will come

Jesus Jesus

all I want is to be like you.

___

remember when I said

I think this is what living in joy is

it wasn't.

not even closeeee

and that's exciting.

that they should seek God, and perhaps

feel their way toward him and find him.

Yet he is actually not far from each one of us, for

"'In him we live and move and have our being';

as even some of your own poets have said,

"'For we are indeed his offspring.'

-

to the God that is not unknown:

I have done all of this with a full heart

maybe with a broken body

but nevertheless,

we did it!

and for now,

goodnight

synergy

Dear God,

I never know when you want me to run up ahead first or if you want me to wait for your call.

or if you want me to approach things in the stupid-kevin-happy-go-lucky kind of way or deep-emotional-corny-kevin kind of way.

or if im on the one and three and youre on the two and four or vice versa

whether im doing something right or wrong

maybe even the most scary for me;

if it'll pull me closer or push me further away from you.

sigh

but i do know:

when the times comes, and I make my move

you are there

and you have my back

and I have yours

and things just

work out.

they just end up working out.

we got some good synergy, You and I.

sincerely,
gabbagooba baobao

praise night (2)

my hands are stupidly swollen

and my elbow is so sore

but when it comes to worship

there is no greater honor than to serve you with what little i have

i dont even remember what happened these past three hours

i dont remember the people i met,

or the beats i used,

all i remember is that i was tired,

and then i was satisfied,

and i remember that it was You

and the things of Earth shall grow strangely dim

in that moment

with nothing but heartbeats interrupting silence

I remembered where I was,

and how long and winding the road was,

and how far You carried me,

and then You gently mentioned,

we still have a long way to go, you and I

but in that moment 

You saw me, 

smiled then sat down.

while I knelt to smell the flowers,

letting heartbeats count down the minutes.

controlled burn

If I say, "I will not mention him, or speak any more in his name,"

there is in my heart as it were a burning fire shut up in my bones

and I am weary with holding it in,

and I cannot.

Jeremiah 20:9
_

God, I know there's a way.

almost there.

praise morning

"we are all instruments of God.

some of us come to church tuned,

some of us come,

needing to be tuned"

when johno was teaching me guitar, he taught me how to tune. fifth fret, except for the fourth to fifth string, that's fourth fret.

I would practice tuning by ear, and I would always be a half step off. every single time. I'd give it to johno and he would plug into his tuner and then he would give it back.

when I played bass, I watched johno tune his electric every moment he got, I thought out of habit at first, but it was because every strum untuned it just a little bit.

I've been feeling "off" a lot lately. I thought that something was wrong with me.

today I learned that I'm not a terrible instrument, I'm just untuned.

and today I was reminded that I'm a terrible tuner.

---
I prayed something similar as I did on Friday. I asked Him to help me clear the room so that I could see Him. So I could watch Him make something beautiful like He did on Friday.

today I prayed that again, closing my eyes  hoping for another moment where I could just forget about being a drummer and just remember God's goodness.

then I opened my eyes, the room is clear and God is sitting in the audience and He walks up and hands me drumsticks.

"God why did you give me these?"

i want to hear you play drums. that's why I'm here.

"its not going to be much, just like last week. are you going to make it beautiful?"

no.

I already made you beautiful.

I just came to watch.

my heart slowly empties

not because of the residents of my heart are leaving.

no no no,

I am pushing them out. 

I need this room, and this too, and definitely need this room.

rooms that once held secrets, shallow dreams, temporary emotions of joy and hurt

I need all these rooms, I'm sorry, but you all need to go. 

I am pushing them out;

because I need room.

the ocean is roaring,

the tide is coming in,

here it is.

praise night

up until 7:26pm,

I wasn't feeling it.

I fixed the drumheads.

I listened to the playlist a million times.

I watched tutorials.

I posted on drum forums.

I prayed constantly and desperately.

at 7:22, we prayed

and my first words were God, I am nervous and anxious but I don't want to be because I want to give you a proper offering and give these kids a proper worship.

I was about to lock it all away but before the door closed I heard you:

"I want it, all of it"

so I gave up.

I gave up the drumheads, the practices, the prayers, the half time beats, the tissues in my ears, the unbalanced crashes and rusted hi hat

I gave it all to You and You took it away and told me: watch what I can do.

to be honest, I don't remember playing drums today. Jason was praising me for something I did on drums but I couldn't remember what I did when he was explaining it.

I was too busy.

Watching.

even this

I really really really don't deserve this

but hey,

if You're giving it,

of course I'll take it.


thank you.

42418

i know who You are

at least, a little bit.

i know who I am to You

honestly, it's still confusing.

i know i am tired

and what im doing is not good

like how I can't even finish my prayers nowawadays cause i fall asleep. 

or how I don't have the strength to push myself anymore.

but i still know,

whether I am sprinting or collapsed on a patch of dirt

You know where I am.

I am in an unfamiliar place again, but i can't help but laugh out loud as I run through brick wall after brick wall 

because this is not another season of tribulations or refinement

this is deliverance through anointing

and of mercy and of grace.

hello again, I knew You'd find me.

12:23 am

despite all of my __________

God you are welcome here. 

dirt and all. 

4/19

listening (or at least really trying to)

walking (pace yourself)

watching (doesn't mean you can't look around)

stop and smell the flowers.



He planted them there for you.

if there are a hundred things to say

and ninety none of those are bad

and only one is good,

then say the one out loud

and tell God the ninety none.


hello, me, right now:

1) you are so stupidly undeservinly amazingly lucky.

no, not luck.

nothing is coincidence;

it's divine intervention.

the father's heart

there's no other that can love me like you do

and forever I keep running back to you 

-

what separates the condemned from the saved 

is not the sin, for both still sin

but the one who is saved

knows where home is.

God, have mercy on me,

not just a sinner,

but the sinner. 

take me from this place,

fill me,

then throw me back in 

we have work to do.

there's no fear in love

you are my good father, who delights and lavishes blessings upon me because of love.

I am your beloved son, who is deserving of nothing and yet is given everything because of love.

It really is that simple 

it 

really

is

that 

simple

q&a

God, do you love me?

"Yes, I love you."

God, do you love me?

"Yes. I love you."

God, do you love me?

"Yes. I love you."

God, don't you ever get... tired of saying that?

"Never."

"Now is my soul troubled. And what shall I say? 'Father, save me from this hour'? But for this purpose I have come to this hour.  Father, glorify your name."

Then a voice came from heaven: "I have glorified it, and I will glorify it again."
John 12:27‭-‬28

again.

today i saw for the first time in a very long time both of my parents talking to each other

sharing memories with each other

laughing together

it was only for a few seconds

but my god,

it was a beautiful few seconds.

until my heart caves in

until there are no words left to speak

until there is nothing left for me to do

until you call me back home.

there is a tree with just enough space for me to sit under away from the sun

it's not yet my time to sit down and watch the sun set.

but it's my tree, and I will sit there one day.

feb 27

Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.

thank you, God.

progress report

accountability accountability what is the formuloli

God you are shifting the timeline but everything has its purpose because there are

no more coincidences.

pause : January 15

And he said to them, "Come away by yourselves to a desolate place and rest a while." For many were coming and going, and they had no leisure even to eat.

day 56: new

Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.
Isaiah 43:19

I really wanted to run into 2018 with bliss but I ended up tripping on something and straight into mksn's office as a horrible mess and covered in tears. God is funny.

this year, I want to be fearless. fearless as in, I know I have fears and hesitations, but these things are completely eclipsed by God and all His splendor and goody goody goodness.

I want to be vulnerable and unashamed of who I am, so that in every aspect of my life, God can break, mold, and restore me however He sees fit.

I want to be joyful. Life is good, but life with God is good-er.

thank you God for your faithfulness, thank you God thank you God thank you God.

be magnified and glorified in my life, and keep taking me deeper.

Goodbye 2017, I leave you behind because I have a crazy God who is going to do great things, and He needs space.