3:12am

but where sin increased, grace increased all the more
-

I feel like there's something bad coming.

as Julianne said, why do I always think good things always come paired with bad things? like a bicycle with one circle wheel and a square wheel, where every complete pedal has a rough bump (is that a bad come-pair-ison?)

today I felt weird again. I try not to let the weird feelings make it too far, I'm always afraid of making a reckless move. so I let it come up and then I chose to shelf it, and chose to stay positive and wholesome like I've been trying to do all of 2018.

I've been having more of these weird moments, days, whatever. maybe because I'm sunburned again and my brain is fried, or maybe the nasal spray is clouding my head. maybe it's the diabetes and the vitamin imbalance. whatever. devil's probably trying to attack me in this time of goodness and I just gotta tell him to stay out. they must all be signs, so my prayer request is that God equip me and prepare me for the next season of struggles.

ah but no, today was really, really, really weird. something is tugging at me to buckle down and look at it. it's 3:26 now, why not?

the way I've been talking: the words and the tones, how it changes from person to person, from work to church to home. how reckless and lazy I've been in teaching and accountability and serving. how it's been so hard to be patient these days with my parents and my sister and my friends, how I've been thinking about cutting people out of my life but what for? for pride? bad influence? for self satisfaction? God, be patient with me, but where is Lucy? the drive? the passion? the heart? your heart in me? the things to look forward to? finally I'm dreaming again, but all these dreams are just pointless.

3:32, let me stop, please.

God, when did things become so cold in my heart? how did I get here and when did the sun get so far away?

I think I'm already in it, that season. I think I've been in it for a little bit for a while. I think that while I was clinging on with dear life onto my little patch of grass, the devil dug up everything around me.

this week there was no Friday service, no poiema. look how far that skid is. I've been scraping the bare minimum and so it makes sense that when I lose one leg from my church tripod, the whole thing gets a little shaky.

I don't know how I got here, in this pit, but Your presence is somehow already here. I'm still clinging on to this little grass patch called Grace and it's all I have in this place.

I call that,
a good start.

it's 3:48 but it's good to see You again.

_