out

"even though You slay me,
why would I run back to you"
asks a bitter heart

"because He has done
the same for me"
responds the one who has tasted
and seen what is Good.

-

I stopped praying in my head a long time ago. I decided that my thoughts are impure, volatile, untrustworthy. so I made a uh, deal with God, do not listen to my thoughts. do not judge me based on what I think, let me filter it out and declare to you out loud. listen only to the prayers I say with my mouth. I won't mix the good with the bad in my head.

I've been having bad dreams. dreams of things I thought I didn't think I would deal with again. dreams that I think reflect my deepest thoughts, the things I've tried to hide from God with my life.

I couldn't really see why they have to come up now? for what purpose? I woke up this morning so frustrated and afraid of was to come.

God knows my sins and yet He calls me by name.

maybe it's time. the beginning of a deeper fight, for light to touch the places left to wither in the dark by my own heart.

"My frame was not hidden from you,

when I was being made in secret,

intricately woven in the depths of the earth."

maybe You have already seen all the things I've been trying to hide in the depths of my head,

maybe it's time we get this over with,

let the heart and flesh fail and fall,

go through the thousand failures and defeats,

layers and layers of shame and guilt,

deeper and deeper

through what is broken and cast aside

deeper and deeper

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