perfection

"if it was God's will to bruise His own Son, why should He not bruise you?"

may I surrender my pride and expectations

for a reward that follows my deed.

rather let me cling on to the mercy given to me,

in the moment of repentance and forgiveness.

none of me, but all of You.

take heart; for He has overcome the world.

known voice

spiritual warfare is a two way street. both sides move, and as the body is called to be a temple, I find myself as a battleground.

half the battle is knowing the plan: God speaks out His plan so plainly and so openly through His word and then the Spirit instructs me like a general.

but the enemy has plans as well, plans that come in code, plans that need to be deciphered. plans that can be countered and prepared beforehand with strategy and determination.

in this season, I know not the voice of my general, but I hone in on what the enemy is whispering. I amplify the noises, trying to do the opposite of what the flesh wants in order not to fall into the traps and temptations, but as I neglect and ignore the command of my superior, I have failed the task.

when all's said and done, I have defeated the enemy by out manuevering the ambushes, but victory is not mine. I look up and see that my company has left by the command of heaven and I am utterly lost.

I know the voice of my flesh, but not the voice of my shepherd. I will spend the rest of my life running for my life if I choose to live this way, unless I call out and plead for rescue.

summary: it's not about not doing what's wrong, it's about doing what's right.

pain & gain

Pain transcends boundaries. It is physical, mental, spiritual, sometimes by itself and sometimes all at once. It emerges as the singularity of a weary life,or as the gentle tug to a spirit. It is not tied to goodness, nor evil, it is objective in nature as nature itself. It is most certainly the effect of a certain cause, some of God and some of the flesh.

no pain, no gain. 

When a person works out, the most common experience post-experience is the feeling of soreness. It keeps you disabled in bed, it creates an unsteady gait, and yet it is the most associated with progress, and subsequently, a feeling of accomplishment and satisfaction. When I work out, if I rely on consistency and never increase the weight I lift, surely I will plateau at some point (which is where I am at now: I disguise my complacency as moderation). If there is no increase in weight, there is no increase in strength. A basic, balanced equation. A fact of life.

When it comes to the spiritual side of life, the trusted adage of "no pain, no gain" still shows relevancy, however, the equation of "xpain = xgain" finds itself useless in this context. Spirituality, and God Himself, cannot be bounded by an equation of such simplicity. Of course, I can never reduce God to an equation and diminish His divinity, but for the sake of the topic, I will reference equations to explore microscopic figments of the spiritual experience.

When I was in college, I took a 12:30 PM physics course, a couple minutes from my dorm room. The course itself costs several hundred dollars per lecture, but instead of going to lectures and discussions as the role of a student entails, I chose to eat lunch, play basketball, sleep in, sometimes all at the same time. When it came to the midterm, I scored 17%, which was weighted as 30% of my overall grade. Short story made even shorter, I tried harder, and I failed. Actually, it would be objectively incorrect to say I tried. I did not try, and I failed. A tragic, yet fair example of "no pain, no gain."



yes pain, yes gain 

The ideal equation. One where we truly reap what we sow. Where we find ourselves planting trees that we sit under the shade. A life dynamic that inspires us to endure through the trials, for the reward is known and at reach.

Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you. 

A few verses before, the apostle Paul acknowledges his character and resume that equips his pride, and endures through the struggle of counting them as loss. He also acknowledges the reason for the struggle, knowing that the ultimate prize of sharing in Christ's resurrection has its cost, to endure through the suffering that Christ Himself endured. Here, the equation is clear:

walk with Christ in His suffering = share with Christ in His victory

and it is true! Paul encourages us that not only is this the equation, but also that the One who has allowed the equation to exist is providing the power to achieve the gain, as if the proctor of an exam not only gives the answer to you, but provides the solution manual and walks you through to the solution for your understanding.

Some of the gain, like the example above, take a lifetime to receive, however, focusing on the famous Philippians verse "I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me" we see that within this, there is promise of immediate provision. How in prayer, God listens, and in repentance, forgiveness. The timeline of His divine distribution is a topic for another time.



yes pain, no gain

Perhaps the equation for the universal struggle of not just Christians, but humanity as a whole. When the output does not match the input, we immediately deem the operation as inefficient, invalid, purposeless.

Logically, it makes sense. Why put yourself through pain without reward? Or on an even basic level, why work for free? Even worse, why work for the benefit of everyone but yourself. Realistically, this is how our world operates. In a generation where self-value has righteously erupted into the focus of the social view, it has sown the seeds of selfishness and self-preservation. The movement to love oneself has mutated into the sin to love only yourself.

There are actually two branches of the "yes pain, no gain" equation that I have generally witnessed and experienced myself, both absurd in its own ways.

As a ministry leader, I have had the pleasure of counseling some of the most spiritually-connected people that God has created. This season is not one of those seasons. The class I teach now is unresponsive to my platitudes, uninterested in the word and perhaps maybe even uninterested in God.

Similarly, teaching young adults brings its own share of discouragements. Excuses of tiredness or busy schedules plague group chats, and yet even when offering accommodations, time cannot be spared.

I sit here in a bakery for weekly small group, except it lacks the group, but it is plenty small. I still prepped the bible study, printed 8 sheets of it, knowing that I probably will never distribute all eight, and I sit here until the allotted time, even after an hour of sitting by myself. It really is absurd, right?

To toil for a thriving, breathing, and blooming ministry but not have soil to work with, only concrete. To bring aspirations of sowing seeds, and yet I carry pebbles in my pouch, for I am no better than anyone.
To pray to an Almighty God for sustenance when what has been provided has already been left out to rot.

Oftentimes, when I experience pain without seeing gain, it usually means that the pain is an indication of a mistake. It's not a matter of evil or punishment, but a reminder that the path I selected is not the one where God is with me, and that's okay, that is when wisdom comes into play to discern that pain and turn back. I suppose if I were to apply the implications of "yes pain = no gain" in that sense, I would give up.

However, this is not one of those times.

I was reminded recently of why I do what I do. I am a servant of the One who has sent me, to minister and provide opportunities to those who have not the luxury of being offered a gospel, presented by words, actions, and whatever other means necessary. By example, by sacrifice, and by pain.

Will any one of you who has a servant plowing or keeping sheep say to him when he has come in from the field, ‘Come at once and recline at table’? Will he not rather say to him, ‘Prepare supper for me, and dress properly,and  serve me while I eat and drink, and afterward you will eat and drink’? Does he thank the servant because he did what was commanded? So you also, when you have done all that you were commanded, say, ‘We are unworthy servants; we have only done what was our duty.’

The concept of unworthiness was at first incredibly difficult for me to comprehend. If God loves me so much, how can I be condemned as unworthy? I could not reconcile my brokenness with my identity secured by Christ.

But notice, the speaker of the dialogue of "We are unworthy servants," it is not the Master, but it is the servant himself that confesses his unworthiness. It is a repentance of not just the sinful nature of myself, but the confession and glorification of the Lord. I had misunderstood on several levels: one, I had attributed my unworthiness to a condemnation from God. This is dispelled by making that confession myself, by the power of Christ that compels me and by the sacrifice of Christ that has made me realize His worthiness. Two, I believed my worth was relative to my own standard of worth, which I believed to be worthy. I realize now that my unworthiness is not a negative thing, because it is simply not about me at all. I am unworthy because the focus is on God, and I am in His presence, and of course His worthiness outshines my worldly worth, and it also enters my life and reshapes my worth.

All of this is only possible by the final equation of analysis:



no pain, yes gain, no pain

The only example worth analyzing and understanding and holding on to is the example and reality of what Christ has done for me.

For what credit is it if, when you sin and are beaten for it, you endure? But if when you do good and suffer for it you endure, this is a gracious thing in the sight of God. For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps. He committed no sin, neither was deceit found in his mouth. When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly. He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed.

Today, as I sit in solitude, I sit back and type and I remind myself, I have the ultimate gain, because the ultimate pain has been endured, but not by me. Because of which, what lies ahead has no bearing on my soul. What pain is beyond the sting of death? Surely, as Christ is in me, then that power that overcame the grave is in me as well. All things that lie ahead, all pain and all gain, and all things that are scattered in the past, all pain and all gain, shall not compare to the pain and gain of the Cross, in which Christ carried the pain of the world so that we might have the gain of Heaven.

But by the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace toward me was not in vain. On the contrary, I worked harder than any of them, though it was not I, but the grace of God that is with me.

Oct 1

we are not built for the mountains and the dawns and the aesthetic affinities, those are for moments of inspiration, that is all. We are built for the valley, for the ordinary stuff we are in, and that is where we have to prove our mettle.

I need not be afraid of the trials, for that is where I am being sent, and where I am sent is following the carving of the cross in the dirt.

draino

my ears are still ringing from the clash of a way-too-heavy ride.

my thumb is chafed from an old drumstick rubbing against my skin

I'm pretty sure I have a rash cause I keep wearing long pants when I practice

I'm drained. but because I've squeezed myself out. because it's not worth keeping in for myself.

to give everything I have to anyone else, Lord would I find favor in You.

"there is nothing good in me besides what You put inside"

it rings louder than the ringing in my ears.

I don't know why it's so embedded in my head.

but in the meantime, everything can go. I need to make some space.

-

praya

How Often Shall We Pray?

As often as the language of prayer is in my heart; as often as I see my need of help; as often as I feel the power of temptation; as often as I am made sensible of any spiritual declension or feel the aggression of a worldly spirit...

my confession is that I have felt all of these things, and yet, a prayer was not uttered. 

we receive conviction not to be put to shame, but to remind ourself that the Spirit is alive within us. my conviction is to pray. 

in every occassion. in every moment. never ceasing, never doubting whether I am heard or understood. 

may there be fire in my veins and may prayer be the exhaust of worship and adoration and pain and desperation and triumph

direction

to be frank, I don't know where I am going.

but I do know where I am not.

my direction is forward, past the dusty trails I've walked before.

roads meant to be walked once.

avoid Egypt, leave Babylon in the past

and trek towards heaven.

sabba

Let praise come from my lips all my days

 

Your love overtake me and flow through my veins

 

Let heaven on earth be reality here

 

Let Your kingdom come and Your glory dwell here

I am safe. I was dead, and now I am alive. I am tired, but I am okay. I am living and working and breathing and I am blessed. I drum and I sweat and I stumble and fumble my words but I stand and continue. I will fall, but I will run again. doesn't matter which direction, because I'll be where I need to be. listen now, hear Him call, run there now. wait for Him, but be ready, keep my lamp trimmed, keep it alight, be ready.

in transition

May the favor of the Lord our God rest on us; establish the work of our hands for us— yes, establish the work of our hands.

distracted

For he says to Moses, “I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion.” So then it depends not on human will or exertion, but on God, who has mercy.  

I was very preoccupied today in my mind-space with a very heavy discussion of heretics and theology and personal experiences. I had conjured up my own thoughts at the topic at hand, but then took a step back and had to analyse the fervor in my heart. Where did this fire find its kindle?

I then saw the battleground of judgement, offending and defending churches and temples, and how frustrating it was to use Scripture and discernment to find whether or not a ministry has embodied the gospel as the foundation for its teachings. Where do we draw the line of what is a nuance between denominations and the heavy accusation of abomination? Who wields the spiritual judgement and authority to finalize that judgement?

Then I realized I had nothing to say; not because my mind was absent of thoughts but because there is nothing good in me that would bind my opinion in truth. I was drawn into the conversation, eager to impart wisdom, but I knew that in the end all I could contribute is my wisdom, my human wisdom, my foolishness.

This is not a concession, that would imply that I made the right choice and avoided that path. This is a surrender, because in my sin I walked with my pride and shut out Christ so that I could participate in things that fuel my brokenness: my need to be knowledgeable, my need to be acknowledged as someone who is known for their shrewdness.

apart from Him, there is no wisdom in me. there is no goodness in me. what do I have that was not given? my thoughts are just a vapor, and all glory to Him who imparts His spirit to us: that allow us to think and believe.

I pray that those in that conversation are justified before Christ, who holds all power of all judgement, and that His judgement would bring justice. and i pray that He would show mercy today and teach me and equip me to go forth boldly when it is my time to be sent.

spurgeons rest: 4

Keep step with me, be as I am, do as I do. I am meek and lowly in heart; your heart must be like mine, and then we will work together in blessed fellowship, and you will find that working with me is a happy thing; for my yoke is easy to me, and will be to you.

rest after rest comes from loving the yoke shared with Jesus,

I guess right now I like it but I don't love it.

but it can be loved, for Christ bore this yoke: to love and love completely the sinner.

I can be like Christ, I can bear the yoke, I can love the yoke, not by my own accord, but because of a calling, an invitation.

face Him, and now walk.

And though this world, with devils filled,
Should threaten to undo us,
We will not fear; for God has willed
His truth to triumph through us.
The prince of darkness grim,
We tremble not for him-
his rage we can endure,
For lo! his doom is sure:
One little word shall fell him. 

the devil can take my joy, my rest, my peace

but he will never take my confidence:

he will never take my Christ.

and although i hold on to Christ for dear life as firmly as i can in desperation,

i realize that Christ holds on to me even tighter because of who i am to Him.

spurgeon's rest: 3

"He has given you rest, but have you found the innermost rest which he works in your hearts? 

it is yours, for it is included in the one gift; but it is not yours enjoyed, understood, and triumphed in as yet unless you have found it, for the rest here meant is a rest after rest, a spiritual, experienced rest, which comes only to those who find it by experience."

Jesus has invited me into the presence of God, into the throne room, but now do I wait with my shoes on in the outskirts or do I lay myself down and press into Him? 

rest after rest, it's not that rest has been unattainable, it's just that I haven't dug deep enough. to take off a yoke that has done nothing good for me and to accept His yoke which is light and to work for something worthwhile. rest. then to work for my Master and He gives me peace. rest after rest. 

on the right track, keep going.

spurgeon's rest: 2

it is only appropriate for the first trial of my sabbath to continue reading about what it is to rest.

If you want rest come to Christ in Gethsemane, to Christ on Calvary, to Christ risen, to Christ ascended.

If you want rest, O weary souls, ye can find it nowhere until ye come and lay your burdens down at his dear pierced feet, and find life in looking alone to him. There is the precept then. Observe it is nothing but that one word, "Come."

as i read this portion of the sermon, i wonder of what it means to practically live out the verb of "come." where to i run to? what direction do i head towards? should i read the bible first? maybe the devotional book first? pray when? before or after or maybe even during?

in the midst of my brainstorming i realized, whatever path i was deciding on, whatever choice i was weighing, nothing was fulfilling the purpose of "come."

if in my heart, there is an urge to begin with prayer, then pray. if there was a tug to read, then read. just go. jesus is already there.

You prepare a table before me, in the presence of my enemies

surely the Lord who sets up a place for me in the midst of my chaos can certainly find me in this time of peace.

it really just is a command of "come." as simple as it is direct. the only supplement to that command is the one who speaks it. come to me, says Jesus. Want to write a blog post of your thoughts? do it, and continue in My direction, have faith in Me.

hey look at that, one step towards You. let's take another.

spurgeons rest: 1

O you who feel your unworthiness this morning, who have been seeking salvation earnestly, and suffering the weight of sin, Jesus will freely give to you what you cannot earn or purchase, he will give it as an act of his own free, rich, sovereign mercy; and he is prepared, if you come to him, to give it to you now, for so has he promised, 

"Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest."

no amount of work will ever cover my transgressions, and my weariness is a product of toiling on the soils of brokenness.

work is not meaningless, but I'm starting to understand that if I intend to dig out my sin with my own shovel, I'll just be tossing dirt over my shoulder but still in the same yard.

" come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden"

i labor for You, just not always for the right reasons. not always with the correct understanding.

today

today is not about my redemption, nor my failure, nor my success;

nor the truths that bring my conviction, nor the lies that I spend too much time thinking about,

nor the commending I received, nor the commending I expect but did not,

it is none of these, for these are things for myself.

today is Yours.

today I bring the fruits of my life to You, the victories and the defeats, I do not leave them at the door, but I bring them both to the altar.

today was worship, a reaffirmation not of what I believe but attesting to who You are:

there won't be a day, that You're not by my side

and You are.

today I give up on the battles. of uncertainty, of bitterness, of hurt and shame, that's enough for today.

I will be still and know You are good.

I will be still and know You are God.

something about tattered sails

this is what i get for not writing these things down when it hits_

if i am self conscious of my tattered sails,

maybe the last time I opened up and trusted God, the spirit of the Lord led me to places where rips and tears followed each experience, and by the end of whatever weather i've weathered, my sails are a little less clean. the more i go through the oceans and parts unknown, the more my sails become frayed. the more frayed, the more I become afraid:

will my sails last another journey?

then i stop and think.

do my sails take me to my destination?

or is it the ocean in which I place my boat, is that not the road I travel? or is it the winds that blow over me, is that not my direction? riding the Lord's wave takes a new meaning when you realize you have no say or power over the wave, but you are left with a choice: go forth or watch it pass by from a distance.

open your tattered sails and wait for the tempest to come and take you, there is no other purpose here but to go.

h o p e

but a man's reach should exceed his grasp...

why am I aiming low? taking the easy way out? sticking to what is safe?

settling for the low req. colleges? taking the GRE once?

is my hope that small? is my trust that little?

how big is your fear? how small do you feel?

stand up, try again, fail if you have to.

fail again over and over if that's what it will be.

but you will never be unloved, you will never be rejected.

and that's more than enough

something about this

Moses was a hundred and twenty years old when he died, yet his eyes were not weak nor his strength gone.

Deuteronomy 34:7

how great is His faithfulness

easter

my first response to love is:

"I don't deserve this,"

followed by a desire for an action to restore a balance.

whether it comes from my parents, my sister, my friends, even from Julianne; love received must always be responded with love given.

and I have found that having this heart leads to an incomplete love.

when it comes to the love of God, what could I ever do to repay a life sacrificed for me? what could I ever do to refund the price paid on the cross?

I cannot.

and this truth of my inability to ever give restitution for a debt of love is the reason on why I receive an incomplete love; because I do not accept without giving a portion of it back.

the essential purpose of love is not to seek a return, but it is to be accepted and stayed. yes fine fine, I am undeserving, but my weakness does not dilute the power of love because my weaknesses and shortcomings have never changed love's trajectory towards me.

so this Easter, I plan to receive. and rejoice.

thank you God for love without attachment.

thank you for people around me who love without attachment.

thank you for Julianne for her love that has no attachment.

I pray that I would love the same.

But he took her by the hand and said, “My child, get up!” 

Her spirit returned, and at once she stood up. Then Jesus told them to give her something to eat.

-

God does not simply fill emptiness, but He takes it away. in the same power that life became life not because it filled a vacancy, but it emerged from nothing. in the same display of glory that resurrection did not layer over death, but conquered it. 

my prayer God is Lord let there not simply be renewal, but a transformation. to increase in capacity to love, for I know that love will spill into every crevice of my heart and fill every weakness, Lord do not delay in Your righteousness 

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden,

and I will give you rest. 

Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me,

for I am gentle and lowly in heart,

and you will find rest for your souls. 

For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."
-
all glory, power, honor to You and You alone,

the Almighty who sustains me in His love and

who lifts burdens for the sake of His children.

victory belongs to the one who fights, and our God is a fierce warrior

justice and righteousness flows from Your river

and You save the undeserving because of Your mercy.

praise and bless Him,

holy holy holy is the Lord God Almighty,

who Was and Is and Is To Come

suds

today was really tough, for a lot of reasons and at the same time not a lot of reasons.

I just want to

clean my room.

and curl up and just wait.

3/19

faith never knows where it is being led, but it knows and loves the One Who is leading.

to be dwelled on

“ ‘If you can’?” said Jesus. “Everything is possible for one who believes.” 

Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe;

help me overcome my unbelief!”

giving

Jesus never took. He only gave.

Even the things that were given to him, like a loaf of bread or a fish; it was multiplied and then,

given.

to feed the poor, to heal the sick, to make miracles, to express a love that God had been trying to express amidst rebellion.

He was given a life, and ultimately, gave it up, and gave eternal life to all.

even to abraham, who gave up his devotion and at one point, almost his only son to the Lord, was told

I will make you exceedingly fruitful, and I will make you into nations, and kings shall come from you.

giving giving giving.

-

i have received things abundantly, and sometimes taken things, but not for the purposes of giving it away.

i have received friendship, to hide my loneliness. i have received community, to fill in the gaps. i have received life to do nothing with it. i have received love to devour it

this is my emptiness; because what was given was not sent out. because what was filled has not been poured out, but it has dried up in its vessel. it is my desert, not just because of the lack of rain, but because the water has been spent without growing.

what tree bears a single fruit? what crop bears nothing?

-

i am not called to be a fig tree, one that is cursed to wither.

The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me,
    because the Lord has anointed me
to bring good news to the poor;
    he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim liberty to the captives,
    and the opening of the prison to those who are bound;
to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor,
    and the day of vengeance of our God;
    to comfort all who mourn;
to grant to those who mourn in Zion—
    to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness instead of mourning,
    the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit;
that they may be called

oaks of righteousness,

    the planting of the Lord, that he may be glorified.

wake up.

a flame thrower

every great gain is preceded by great loss.

all the questions and noise buzzing in my head

the doubts and the fears

the hurtful words and the things of like.

when you keep your pain hidden for fear of rebuke or ridicule

to feel unsafe and vulnerable in weakness

to again, believe in the lies you can't shake

when this fire starter clicks, and it's ember ignites,

all things are consumed by it's flame

and the Lord will call me beloved and wipe away every tear and ash and I'm in that place once again

seek not righteousness, holiness, compassion, but pursue God for he all is, and see everything else fall into place.

I did not like today, but I like this time. sprawled with a blanket too thin and dropping eyes

I am

hesitation

Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in your power to do it.

Do not say to your neighbor, "Go, and come again, tomorrow I will give it"—when you have it with you.

Proverbs 3

-

rush in, and you run in alone.

wait, and you miss it completely.

timing is not my strength nor my friend, and yet somehow, things always fall into place in the end, don't they?

I haven't heard from God in a while. I thought I heard Him today, but now I'm not really sure.

but He's there, somewhere. and if I stay on the tracks I'm bound to hear the train.

you really can never be lost in a place where you were never meant to be found.

imagine

He has given me a mind.

I can think.

I can dream.

-

I can lie to myself.

I can be thoughtless.


But as I have a beating heart, I also have a living mind. One that is made in the image of the author and Creator of what I can see and what I cannot.

That can feel passion in the way one curates a bouquet, giving it life in it's arrangement, and so simply gives it away, because he knows it will bring joy to the recipient.

that can understand the depth of joy and satisfaction and completeness with someone who was once a stranger but now locks fingers, inseparable in life and metaphor.

that can stand in awe of life, alive and dead, moving and still, sculpted and existing, surrounding and praising as if surrounding the throne room of the Wise and Almighty One.

I have a mind.

I have an imagination.

and let me testify to how beautiful my God is.

crossroads

sometimes I need to wait for my heart before I take action

and sometimes my heart learns how to catch up

but what I'm learning in this season is that I have to fight

I have to do something

how long will I let my laziness promise me empty dreams
or let my mind speak over God's word?

to sit at a crossroads is to give up

and I was not made to give up

12 days of thanks

day 12

thankful for the storms

because God, You are in control. that's a truth

because God, You love me, and that's a truth.

these storms are not meant to hurt me, but they are a demonstration that ultimately captures Your love for me.

I will not fear the storm, I will fear the Lord.

the devil will not take 2019 away from us
because who can take what is secured in God's arms?
this year to even my life,
what can the devil take from me, when I have already given it up to Him who loves?

nothing.

12 days of thanks

day 11

thankful for juju.

I thought I was just going to learn how to love, as God loves.

but I was thinking too small.

I'm learning how
to fight
to grow
to cry
to speak
to rebuke
to lead
to forgive
to be patient
to get up
to get over
to improve
to fall
and to stand again.

as always, I'm happy to be with you.

as always, I'm thankful to be with you.

12 days of thanks

day 10

thank you lucy and snack

for loving me so unconditionally

and letting me love you conditionally

i miss you guys a lot

lucy: i sang your song on the way back from the gym, i hope you still remember how to sing it

snack: i replay that video of you grabbing my finger and licking it, you stupid dingdong.

i dont dream about you guys, because i think itll just wreck me to see you two again

but i keep you in my heart.

12 days of thanks

day 9

my (current) job

I still remember the day I got hired.

sitting in the back seat of an ugly Mercedes passenger transit van, opening up my email after 2 weeks of no connection. it had been tough, thinking about how after missions the reality of being an unemployed graduate would be waiting for me after kingdom work.

but the Lord works in mysterious ways, and sometimes super obvious ways.

it's not that the pay is good, or the commute is good, or the work is easy, it was that feeling of being noticed, of being selected, of being wanted. a tiny fraction of what great love and favor God shows me.

work will not be my idol. I'm thankful God, not for the job in itself, but because of the faithfulness You have shown to a person so undeserving.

and here we are again, in a season of (maybe) new opportunity, but may my eyes remain on You alone.

3 days in

Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.

Romans 8:26

-

literally I don't know what to pray about.

what am I fighting? why am I even fighting?

something is lodged in my heart and I either don't know how to get it out or even worse, I pretend it's not there.

but it's there, a bitter spring. an insecurity that has a root inside and it showing itself.

but I know I have to pray. maybe not with words but in screams and yells.

ahhhh I'm so sorry everyone,

so so sorry.

Jesus find me.

12 days of thanks

day 8

thankful for health (so far)

despite this massive headache

and the diabetes (l o l)

thankful for you Lord for providing me a body that works

so that i can still worship.

small fingers that cant play guitar, just play bass. and worship.

sweaty hands cant hold drumsticks right, just strap on rubber bands. and worship

cant sing a song pitch perfect, just... sing. and worship.

not the fastest, not the strongest, not the wisest, not the-

thank goodness none of these things matter.

just worship.

6.8%.

2019

last year I knew God was going to do big things, and He did.

I knew it even before it turned to a new year, and I asked for prayer because I was scared.

this year is the same, You will do great things.

but I have seen of His faithfulness and of His great love; this year I shall not fear.

There are talents that I was given in 2018, that are now sealed away, but God, give me another chance.

this year I want to know who I am: the sinner who is condemned. this year will be a year of humbling. it will be a year where I will seek to see myself for who I truly am, in my brokenness and fracturing.

it will be a year where I seek to see myself in the eyes of my Father, who is holy in nature and love in motivation; who I am in the hands of my Creator. and I will see who I am fully, and see that love covers it all.

this is the year of redemption for the sinner, and whom shall I fear?

12 days of thanks

day 7,

new life church, northern california first Korean Baptist Church, or as I just call it, church.

a church does not reach 30 years because of the staff or the programs, but by the sovereign hand of God alone.

I am thankful for a place where I can worship, where I can be amongst believers and my brothers and sisters, where the spirit can find its home in this temple.

everything it is, on the inside, physically and metaphorically and spiritually, God You are here.

and if You are here, I want to be here. congrats on 30 years, here's to a hundred more.