Cereal Mascots need to Step Up

I'm talking to you, Lucky Charms Leprechaun.

You're a damn mythical monster of good ol' Ireland. Use your magical power and backhand those damn kids. Don't let those kids take your marshmallows. Show them what's fer. I think you need to make a bomb marshmallow. That'll screw up their lives.

You, too, Trix rabbit. Wtf is your problem man. You can't take a piece of colorful grain away from little kids? you dumb hoe. you dont deserve to be a male. you got the legs man, USE THEM. USE THEM. Step 1. Grab cereal Step 2. Eat cereal Step 3. Go nuts. and stop being so broke man, get your own nasty yogurt. Since you gotta follow those kids, you might as well get yourself a Go-gurt. Yeah, then read those stupid jokes little kids send in for those bored enough to read.

And Chip the wolf? wtf man. youre a god damn wolf. do you not know the story of your great grandfather, twice removed? that beast swallowed a GRANDMA, and you're telling me you cant take a box of (FAKE) cookies? you make me sick. and where the hell did that retarded dog go anyways? I'm tired of this wussy named Chip.

Buzz the bee? you've got to be kidding me. Buzz, listen to me. GET A LIFE. You're a bee, you don't belong in the cereal business. No one cares that you've saved the honey a countless number of times, from wasps(wtf) and mum-bees(dear lord). At least move beehives man, yours is full of idiots who can't save their honey if it was jammed up their buttholes.

Tony the tiger: no one wants to wear your damn stripes. You're the reason why tigers are almost extinct, cause you like to rape little kids in your "sports". you sick bastard.

HEY, GENERAL MILLS, IF YOU WANT TO SELL CEREAL, GET A BETTER MASCOT.

Here's one.


THIS IS BLAZER. HE'S A CHIHUAHUA WHO LIKES TO USE STEROIDS TO KILL ANYONE WHO GETS IN HIS WAY. IF YOU EAT BLAZER'S CEREAL, BLAZECRAZEFLAKES, THEN HE WON'T EAT YOUR FACE OFF. YOU CAN TELL THIS DOG IS NOT MESSING AROUND, LOOK AT THOSE EYES. IF YOU'RE BLIND, YOU BETTER PRAY TO GOD THAT YOU HEAR HIM BUSTING DOWN YOUR DOOR, CAUSE HE'S COMING FOR YOU.

Available in your local cereal section.