day 55: after

in the moment of encounter, there wasn't just peace or revelation or fire or awakening or fear or conviction or awe

there was God, and He is all those things and more.

-

there was a mountain and the land beneath it,

and above the slopes of the mountain there was a great cloud

and rain poured out from this cloud and onto the mountain.

and from the mountain the water carved its path and flowed to the land

and the water flowed between the trees of the forest surrounding the mountain

and then it flowed even further, into the plains and the deserts

and the rain continued to pour and the land became flooded

even in the furthest places the water flooded

even in the deepest places, the water flooded more.

then you could not even see the land anymore, only the mountain and the great cloud

for everything else was under the water,

and then it stopped raining.

day 54: closer

And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, "This is the way, walk in it," when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left.
Isaiah 30:21

this is what it feels like

to be at a crossroads, to have to make a decision

and either option leads you closer to God because you are walking with Him

to have that choice,

this is what freedom is, isn't it?

day 53: will (again)

God's will is perfect, pleasing, good

in order to live God's will, you must shift your life to Him, not the other way around.

God's will is for my joy to be complete.

You cannot know God's will for specific things if you are not committed to His general will.

test God's will through prayer, the word, experiences, and others

pray about it again.

are you even ready for His will?

I don't think so

and that's what scares me.

day 52: community

asked; and I received.

God has been faithful and is still faithful.

keep my focus straight and my heart wide open.

let me be not a teacher, a leader, a speaker,

set aside my pride and may I be your instrument, a support, and a worshipper.

let me not forget how far you've carried me.

day 51: fifty

"because by works of the law no one will be justified..."

hold on, fragile soul

hold on and see how good He is

day 50: cascade

still Lord I surrender.

so here we go:

I'm still scared of what's ahead. of making the same mistakes I've done before, for being weak and giving in to what I want, to be complacent with where I am

I think I'm most afraid of losing what I'm feeling now. this fire and this peace that you've ignited. I'm afraid of wasting it.

but I cannot forget that I'm filled to be empty again. that over and over You have delivered me when Your will calls for me to be free, and how You have sent me to be refined when You want to.

fill me, empty me, fix me, break me; do what you need to do God but please remind me of your goodness.

day 49: checkpoint

that this is God, our God forever and ever. He will guide us forever.
Psalms 48:14

I finished reading the Bible cover to cover for the second time now.

I don't really remember the verses I read or the lessons but I remember the events of life during this entire process

and

hm

God is so faithful.

read it again, be blessed again, have life again, breathe again, be pummelled again, be humbled, be sanctified again and again

may you never lose your wonder.

day 48: wait

there are a lot of people I want to talk to

there are a lot of things I want to say

but until He gives me permission to speak

I pray I'll be able to hold my tongue.

less of me, more of you God.

day 47: reflect

Provider, fortress, solace.

I look from this small hill I've come to and I look back at the path I've been on.

I praise you God for your faithfulness and I continue forward.

Keep me humble, keep me hungry, and I will keep looking for you.

-

cow tag, udder, tomtimes, boba spit, steadfast, o sacred king

your kindness Lord leads us to repentence and your love

your love

is better than life

day 46: progress

all God needs is for me to be available.

let me be the vessel, the instrument

You alone God, are worthy of all of it.

let's take it step by step

day 45: retreat (3)

things to keep in my heart:

-give up preference for the sake of unity

-truth without love is a lie

-faith without vision is dead

-fellowship makes God's love complete

-your priorities are God, family then friends

-you dont need to be extroverted or creative or brave, you just need to be obedient

-do not let them take your joy away

-there is a clear line between what God's will is, and what He allows

-God loves them

-God loves you.


just,

thank you.

day 44: retreat(2)

less of me,

more of you.

you have been so so good to me.

let me share your goodness Lord.

day 43: retreat(1)

Deep calls to deep at the roar of your waterfalls; all your breakers and your waves have gone over me.
Psalms 42:7

they will not take my joy away

God

I hid from you

but now

bring deliverance through your grace

unity starts with love, and never ends

what a love, what a savior

day 42: sunday

i keep getting reminded of how petty i was (am?)

how impatient and rude and immature

but even more so, i am reminded of your relentless love

you work in the most mysterious ways

and i am so grateful

__

also mike kim is a palindrome

how sick is that

day 41: pasta

1st. thank you God

i repent, I was scared no one was going to come. that we wouldn't make enough money. that I would lose the trust of the leaders because of my failures.

but I saw the kids working together, diligently swiftly creatively. then I remembered Your faithfulness.

this night wasn't about money. or pasta. or mission trips. it was about your presence amongst us, for your kingdom come; for where your temple is, you are there. seek first the Lord and all else will be provided.

I saw you God, well more specifically I saw a glimpse of you. not in myself, but in the youth. they were amazing and I know you were here. the evidence is all around.

we are heading in the right direction because you are steering is and we are listening. go go go go go go

day 40: with everything

to the only God, our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion, and authority, before all time and now and forever. Amen.
Jude 1:25

I need to stop measuring God.

and to start knowing Him.

and that is a process that never ends but to God be the glory majesty dominion and authority forever in every struggle and in every step with Him

and when the race is done His portion is my prize.

day 39: finals

thank you God for Peter and Meryem, for their dedication and that you have sanctified them for the purpose of devotion to the youth, and praise your name for sending them to where your voice calls them, may nothing but joy and peace follow them.
--
this month was busy and it's still busy.

schools over. I never thought I'd go back to school. but I did and I struggled and I stressed but I look back and great is your faithfulness.

I can't remember what life was like before... all this. I sort of just imagine it as gray everywhere. I see where I am now and I'm just

just

just so grateful. I promise you God I'm going to do something great for you, not as a response but a manifestation of the love you poured out to me.

you're making me beautiful

day 38: be loved, beloved.

This is how we know that we belong to the truth and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence: If our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.
1 John 3:19‭-‬20

beloved is what He calls me.

it's a name I don't understand and sometimes I reject because I don't believe it. it's a feeling so foreign to me that my first reaction to it is to push it away.

be loved, beloved.

I know what God's love is. actually maybe not. well hmmmmmm. okay I know God's love but not the full, complete portion of it.

be loved, beloved.

just like grace, his love is not a response to an action, but it is the beginning. love is the spring that did not need to be dug, but sprung up from the ground because of nothing else besides 'thats just what happens.'

be loved, beloved.

this is starting over. this is knowing His love by being loved. I'm going through growing pains again but how exciting is it to learn again.

day 37: advent

Strengthen the feeble hands,
steady the knees that give way; 
say to those with fearful hearts,
“Be strong, do not fear; your God will come, he will come with vengeance;
with divine retribution
he will come to save you.”

every step I take towards You
strips off another piece of what I am.
the distance I've covered so far
strewn with the things I tried to hold on to
but in the end could not

deep down I knew I couldn't bring any of that with me
because there's no way I could reach out and grab your hand if my hands were already full.
now there's nothing I hold onto
and now, wait.
the snow is starting to fall

day 36: renew

For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with steadfastness, and steadfastness with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love.
2 Peter 1:5‭-7

Lord do not let this fire go out.

You sent to me a wildfire and torched all that needed to be taken away and now all I have is an ember of that.

I probably would have just stepped on it and let it finally pass, but God I want more. breathe into this glow and use me as its kindle and bring your holy blaze once again for there is still so much to be done.

Im still stumbling; I really, desperately want to learn self control. to restrain the tongue. to let my words only glorify you and reveal your truth but man, I'm  starting to think that maybe you're trying to teach me patience first?

waiting waiting waiting
waiting waiting waiting

sigh, on your time then.

one day Ill truly be doing this joyfully.

day 35: feelingvsknowing

I have always wanted to feel loved by God, it's something that I have been desiring for a very long time.

to witness a vision or hear an angel or experience a miracle and I always chased after these things but always end up realizing that I was pulling at loose threads

but today

in a short, strange moment, I did not feel love but rather I knew I was loved.

and in that moment I could not keep it together..

I don't have the right words to describe it

but what a wonderful day it was.

day 34: focus2

youth group. filling the shoes left behind and giving it all up to make sure your children know Your name.

school. being diligent and responsible to find passion and absolutely run with it

em. doing my part in planting roots and participating and establishes the spirit of fellowship in a new community

small group. pursing God in every opportunity by getting out of my comfort zone and learning how to interact with strangers.

praise team. to never be satisfied with the offering but find solace in His courts

family. to be there and to be supportive to each person and to show through example that love conquers all things and God fixes all things.

I look at all these things I want to be able to give fully, and I can't. and I feel like I've cheated each category from giving my full effort.

oh but God, my feelings of failure are eclipsed by the joy you bring me. the river never runs dry and all I need to do is dip my feet and Lord you flood me.

so tired but so alive. the flesh fails but my God you never will hallelujah again and again.

day 33: youth

Then he prayed again, and heaven gave rain, and the earth bore its fruit.

God your children are amazing. I feel fire 8 feel passion in the youth and those who are stepping up to the plate as saints and ask for your blessing and sanctification.

IM SO HYPED

these are the hands that will build your church and your kingdom God and I want to give up everything I have and am for them.

the harvest is plentiful but the workers are few however You are a mighty warrior and we are your people and victory is found 8n your name alone.

day 32: coincidence

"I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul.  You have not given me into the hands of the enemy but have set my feet in a spacious place."

I can't even scrape the surface of what's going on. how You are working on my life, revealing to me a fragments of glory in the most strangest, mysterious, but amazing ways.

I'm so grateful

and everything is so warm and wonderful in His presence.

I can't even come up with the words to write or to say to describe what is going on, but my heart cries out "thank you God"

thank you thank you thank you

day 31: yhmn

You could've swept in like a tidal wave
Or an ocean to ravish our hearts
You could have come through like a roaring flood
To wipe away the things that we've scarred

But You came like a winter snow
Quiet and soft and slow
Falling from the sky in the night
To the earth below

day 30: harvest

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. 

To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.
_

lately the days have been zooming by 

sleeping feels like blinking 

my laundry never gets done

theres always a due date for an assignment 

but man oh man

God is so amazing

God is so awesome

right now,

right here,

i am right where God wants me to be and God is right where I need Him to be

even closer than an arms reach

i can feel my body physically falling apart

and my mind is mush

but God by His grace has called this soul to be alive

and to worship and to rejoice.

the tide is coming in.

day 29: swirly thoughts

i asked for water
but you sent a flood
i craved rescue
but you brought redemption
i wanted just a little bit
but you gave me everything.
and my heart cant handle it
because i know i dont deserve it
but you keep insisisting
and i keep resisting
i take what you give me
so reluctantly, so painfully
because i know i dont deserve it
and i cant fathom Your heart
and how it loves so furiously
i cant see how you see,
but you insist there is goodness
in my brokenness
let your righteousness glow
through the cracks of my character
from the ashes of my pride.
my desire and your will
may it forever be that you God Almighty
be glorified.

day 28: tripped

I didn't finish my homework today.

but instead of complaining about the circumstances or talking about how I was wrong I want to show Thanksgiving.

thankful my friends who kept the night so fun and reminded me of the care free days.

thankful for my mom for always supporting me and staying with me past closing even though she worked overtime today. she stayed by my side as an act of love; a love so undeserving and yet she gives it to me anyway.

thankful for the tiny messages of encouragement and reminders of where I was and where I am heading and how good God is. how great is His love for you and it's impossible to use words to describe how amazing you are.

thankful that God is faithful, and He is moving moving moving.

day 27: commendable

"And notice this: God is not only praised by praising him directly for who he is and for his works in nature, but he is praised when we commend others, for they too are his workmanship."

it's easy to see the "wrong" in a person because we are constantly told of the "right" standard, how to live to the "right" standard, and how "wrong" people ruin the "good" standard. 

jesus came not for the healthy, but for the sick. He sought to mend the broken, not to add on to what is already complete. He saw people as the product of the wonderful Maker, and not the derivative leftovers of sinful nature. 

and in the same way God calls us to be "like Christ," i am called to see and love others the same way God does to me. 

i want to be encouraged, but to do that you must encourage others. encourage them for what God is doing in their lives, and in that way there is no idolatry, only praise. 

-

they talk so much about you, and I did the same: how hypocritical, how vulgar, and how angry you are. how everything you do is somehow negated by the type of person you are. how for some reason, the kingdom of God cant help you and you cant help, but i look back and how could we say such things about one another? i am not giving up on you, more importantly, God is not giving up on you and has never given up on you. they might be wrong about who you really are, they might be right about who you really are, but none of that matters because Jesus will never cast the stone upon you, and now I understand and neither will I. how can i judge another when God has not condemned me for who I am? you know that you yourself are the captain of your ship, and i am just shouting from the shore, so truly whatever change people want from you is going to come from your choices alone. but God is an ocean, and He will guide your ship in the way His current moves and He will reveal Himself to you again and again in hopes that people like us will one day understand. to forgive and to love is to wish nothing but the best, and I wish you nothing but the best, because that is all we can do for one another, and that's all that matters. 

day 26: eerie

I walked the same way to work today

and as I got closer to the building, a really strange joy started stirring in my heart

a joy that brought comfort and reassurance and security for my future

it lasted maybe no more than 10 seconds, but in that ten seconds I felt something, like someone was telling me "you won't believe what I have in store for you."

then I snapped out of it, stuck between fear and wonder, like the moment before a rollercoaster drop.

oh Lord I don't think I'm ready.

day 25: will

"'Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.' That’s the goal of this verse: not ferreting out the secret will of God that he plans to do, but discerning the revealed will of God that we ought to do."

Transformed.

Not improved,

But changed. 

-

The closest one has ever gotten to God was Abraham, who stood in presence of God but had to be blindfolded for his eyes could not withstand His glory. Just by being in His presence, Abraham was physically radiant. Other could not even step into the mountain of God's presence because of their sin, but by miracle and fear did Abraham approach God. 

Abraham climbed up the mountain to see God, Jesus stepped down from the mountain to see us. Jesus reached out and touched the sick, the hurt, the sinners. He let the people touch him, and the glory of God was still radiating, for even touching the corner of his cloak brought healing. 

What a God, what a savior.