Praise

I play bass for the praise team at church.
Or so I want to believe.

10th grade. My friend James who was the bassist at the time IM'd me one day and said," You should play bass."

I actually wanted to play. But in my heart I felt like it was the wrong time, you know, sometimes you get that feeling. I said," Nah, it's ok. I don't want to play." But James wasn't satisfied with that. He started interrogating me, prodding me for reasons why. What could I tell him other than that I didn't want to? I eventually got angry and signed off on him, and James started texting me apologies, which I ignored.

Next day was a class trip to boating, and he apologized for his aggressiveness, and of course I forgave one of my best friends. Deep down, I also apologized for my unwillingness to let God in.

I was up on that stage eventually, with the Fender bass complete with "furry" strings. I loved it. I absolutely cherished every Friday and Sunday, every opportunity to play. I took pride on being on praise team, it was my unique way of giving my praise to God.

Like all new members of praise team, I focused on the music. I was made aware of this when Charles teacher pointed James (who was playing acoustic guitar) and me out for staring at the music sheet while playing. He said to let our mind off of the music and focus on what it means.

Well that's stupid, an immature me told myself. If I don't look at the music, how will I play? I'll mess up!

The more I played, the more I matured. Praise team wasn't just a time to look freakin' awesome holding a bass. These garage-band sessions became something wonderful. It was an experience so perfectly beautiful that I'm having trouble finding the words to describe such an unreal experience.

I loved praise team. I loved it so much I stopped calling it "praise band" and started saying "praise team". Because in a band, you play and perform for others. In a team, you work together. My mentality when I play is that I give my everything through my worship, and my example will inspire others to worship with the same intensity.

There would be some praise times where you get totally lost. Lost in the most greatest way. It is truly an out of body experience, where you let some powerful, mysterious force to play the notes for you, and it sounds so beautiful. Michael (the drummer) and I used to call these moments "spontaneous worship", and it really was. I like to think of it as the time where Peter and the disciples spoke in tongues when the Holy Spirit fell upon them in Acts. "Spontaneous Worship, I Love It!" became a common saying.

For me, there have been no spontaneous worships any more. I don't know when they've stopped, but I have felt nothing marvelous from praise team. Why?

Maybe it was the environment. Jonathan was replaced as praise team leader by Esther. New style, new worship. Maybe I wasn't used to the typical, "boring" songs she picked. Maybe I wasn't emotionally comfortable with a new praise band leader.

Maybe it was a change in the team. Michael abruptly left the praise team, which honestly, left me so hurt and confused. To be frank, I looked up to Michael, even though he was younger than me. The most experienced member of my age, I was inspired by his spiritual zeal, his passion. Even in China, we talked as brothers about our problems, our praise team, and how we were going back with a new fire of determination. How could he leave the team? How could he leave me?

Anyways, we had a freshman girl, Julie, fill in for Michael permanently. When she played, I had no feeling for praise. The drumming was different from Michael's style, an explosive, passionate style I grew up playing along with. It was different. I hated it. But I realize now I was the same, and perhaps time will fix it all.

James had been gone for a while, around a year before the shake-up after making some mistakes outside of praise team, it was agreed that we couldn't have him any more. I was surprised then, but also agreed with the decision.

We had another freshman girl come in, Irene, as guitarist. Jonathan had played guitar before, and it's the same story. I couldn't connect with the style, it just didn't feel right.

I felt like a veteran among rookies. What was I supposed to do? Was I supposed to step up and become praise leader?

I had the chance. I blew it. But it's a guilty part of my past that I wouldn't dare share.

Regardless of these massive changes, I still sensed a spiritual eagerness from these new members. It actually inspired me to also continue doing my best. So I did the only thing I could do: wait. I waited. How's it going?

Terrible. I will give only a few examples that bothered me to the maximum.

Yesterday at Friday worship practice, Irene looked at the song set in disgust. "Five songs? That's too much!" she said.

The hell? Haven't you been playing enough to realize that praise is something wonderful? I've seen you play before, and I know you love it too. What's the matter?

We have a djembe for Friday worships since we have them upstairs. You would think the drummer would continue their duties and play the African drum. What was Julie's excuse? "I don't know how to play!"

Are you kidding me? It's a freaking African drum. You play on drums of 5 pieces, and you can't hit a simple beat? I actually picked it up one Friday and played it for worship, reluctantly I will admit.

Then there's sports. Those two girls have joined sports this year. They have Friday practices, and Saturday events. There goes our Friday and Sunday worship. They know there's no one to replace, and yet they choose to go out for their school life.

Is there nothing valuable to praise team anymore? Why is it just a side-hobby for the weekend. Why do you leave us? WHAT MAKES YOUR TIME ANY MORE GREATER THAN GOD'S?

Today we had a Saturday practice. I was up there with a bass and a microphone. Why a microphone you ask?

Months ago, we had no male voice, and so praise team attempted to recruit one from the youth group. No one stood up, so they forced me to sing. Actually, I wanted to sing first. I volunteered myself, and for the next weeks I sang. It was not a pleasant experience. I found myself giving half effort to playing bass and half effort to singing. I realized this, and immediately gave up singing. Some time later, Mike asked me to sing again. I said no, it hinders my worship. He retorted, are you sure? maybe you just need to pray about it more. I knew arguing with Mike was pointless, so I gave in. I would sing, and Mike agreed that no one would bother me on how I did it, I just had to sing.

So anyways, today I was on my usual duties of bassing and singing. It was a burden, but nonetheless I took on my duties with spiritual pride. Then Jonathan and Esther suggest I start harmonizing, weary of the trouble I was already having with singing in the first place. I tried to politely refuse, but the pressure was on. I became extremely frustrated and angry, almost to the point of throwing my bass down and walking away. I have never been told how to worship, and I never plan on being told how to.

I stayed for that practice, and left angry and hurt and confused and all these feelings of a loser. Times were not the same.

Now it wouldn't be fair to criticize praise team and leaving myself standing woundless.

I am nothing but a pathetic and selfish sad excuse for a praise team member who doesn't know how to take control. I have not given my full effort, and I have created a shell of hatred and anger around my soul. I am a fake, I am a liar, and I have failed the youth group but most shamefully, I have failed God.

I am not the same. I am not proud of myself.

But what can I do?

I pray.

I wait.