-/12

feels like im just getting pummelled over and over again until the bell rings and stumble back against the ropes

splash water to make sure I don't close my eyes and hear instruction: 

keep your gloves up

protect your head

cover your heart

trust Me.

pushed back out for another round with the devil

I guess if I'm not down and out, I'm not losing

but I'm going to swing one day, and swing very very hard

teach me 

worn

tired. 

I can't sleep this one off, the feeling of inadequacy and fear of failure

there's a new one though, 

the thought of doing the right thing the wrong way

what do you even call that 

remind me, God, of my purpose

but Jesus, please,

teach me.

6.60 miles / million

growing pains

endure, and stand up taller.

for even this has its purpose.

-

everything today was so significant

from that morning conversation to the midday yelling to the night sharing, all of it.

I sat in the bathroom today cause I was so sick of getting yelled at over a stupid word doc and prayed, "God, everything has its purpose right? even this. sitting on a toilet?"

even this.

even this.

stop shaking your leg

bankruptcy

God, sorry.

let me just spill my guts so it stops churning inside me:

the more I learn, the more I try, 

but the more I try, the more I fail,

and the more I fail, the more pointless all of this is to me.

im sliding into that place again; God speak to a stubborn heart.

bankrupt, again.

this is not just lacking, this is once having something and losing it, and now having nothing.

so in the end, this is my fault. I'm not mad at You or anyone, I'm just - 

yeah. 

Im back in that place again. 

but I remember what happened the last time I was here.

how I ended up there, but more importantly, what I found there.

in my loneliness, in my brokenness, in my anxiety,

in my emptiness,

there is,

room.

Come, and be filled again.

to a ______,

hopefully one day you will read this and one day-
-

He has made everything beautiful in its time.

Also, he has put eternity into man's heart,

yet so that he cannot find out

what God has done from the beginning to the end.

-

there is a birds nest in my backyard, on top of a step ladder, under the lemon tree. inside this nest, there are two small eggs.

I don't know when they were laid, nor will I know when they will hatch, nor will I know when they will fly away; but I do know that all these things will happen.

I check on these eggs whenever I can, making sure that the mama bird isnt keeping them warm, because I just want to see them. whenever I look at them I get so warm inside knowing that one day these still, fragile eggs will one day be birds.

so I check on these eggs, knowing that today, they probably are still little eggs, but even the eggs themselves are so nice to look at. but even more so, the very thought of coming to this nest one day and not seeing eggs, but birds, alive and chirping, nestled inside a humble twig home is just so

so

beautiful.

but,

you are not a bird.

you are not an egg.

you are an amazingly complicated, incredibly unique and wonderfully crafted human being, experiencing and enduring the confusing and sometimes painful mystery of God's plan that has been given to you because of His great love and delight for you, for now and forever.

the funny and frustrating thing about forever is that there aren't really any checkpoints or reference points to anchor to, there is just an infinite expanse. that can be scary and at times too much of a burden, but within this infinite expanse, there is an infinite God, who has promised you something in the context of forever: not to put something beautiful in your life, but to make your life itself beautiful.

more beautiful than you already are, and more beautiful than you think you can possible be, a beauty that follows forever in the footsteps of an infinite Creator; the author of you, His masterpiece.

I know that you are sick of me asking if you are still an egg, but I can't help it because

a) you are not an egg I can just look at and say, yes this is still an egg, and

b) I'm just so excited.

excited to see you one day feeling more than just okay, more than just happy, more than just joyful, but one day knowing that God has finally finished with your circumstances and is ready to let you come out of the shell and fly.

I don't know when that'll be, and neither will you, but you will get there,

and it will have been worth the time.

worship: in summary

-dont know how to strap a strap

-cant get rid of the quivers in my voice

-horrible at transitions

-cant play bm to save my life

this week I learned,

I don't know the "calling out lines before the verse" thing

or how to play 90% of barre chords.

but I know who I worship and that He who sees and listens to me delights in me.

I can't lead a worship

I can't deal with the people congratulating/criticizing me.

but I can just sing anyway.

if they want to join me, they can go ahead.

but today, I had only one thing on my mind.

-

I hope You like it.

since Your love got a hold on me

every push forward,

a struggle,

but maybe purposeful.

every prayer said,

rough,

but maybe authentic.

my heart,

torn,

but maybe, healing.

since Your love got a hold of me.

1:17

if this thorn can be driven in this deep,

how much more can love fill.

further and further,

if this the cost of glory,

then give me a crown.

if this thorn brings me to my knees,

then let it be done before You.

"Behold, I go forward, but he is not there, and backward, but I do not perceive him;

on the left hand when he is working, I do not behold him; he turns to the right hand, but I do not see him.

But he knows the way that I take;
when he has tried me,

I shall come out as gold.

"For he will complete what he appoints for me, and many such things are in his mind.

Therefore I am terrified at his presence; when I consider, I am in dread of him.

God has made my heart faint; the Almighty has terrified me;

yet I am not silenced because of the darkness, nor because thick darkness covers my face."

lay out

forgive me for my recklessness

for people to change, for circumstances to inprove, for life to turn around

why do I want these things? for myself.

selfish.

I hate this thing called pride, I hate the devil. I hate myself because I keep letting him win.

I hate these conversations and scenarios that I make up in my head that dont exist and yet it kills my heart.

again and again and again, I've realized im not sensitive I'm just

insecure.

faithless.

whatever adjective the devil has convinced me that I am, I am.

but today,

I gave it up.

trying to change circumstances and hearts

trying to be God

but, I am not God,

I am not You.

I am just a boy

who knows nothing but Love,

love that conquers

and endures

and still,

a love that loves me.

I know a Jesus, who even in my confusion and pain and frustration, loves me.

and what else can I do,

but be loved right now?

what else can I do, God,

but be loved by you?

scared

still I twitch at the thought of taking another step

a step where I don't know whether or not it's backwards forwards or sideways

but it's a step that You have called me to take

even without a specific direction

is it intentional, to test my faith?

can I be scared and still have faith?

ill let it out now God, I am scared.

but there's something below the fear

the anxiety and the suffering,

there is the trembling in my heart

because I hear the roar of Your deliverance

but I don't know if it's behind me or ahead of me

but I know it's coming

I am already doing these things.

then I'll do what I can,

I hope.

no other fount I know

I am already doing these things.

for these things

are not the thing itself; they are only the scent of a flower we have not found, the echo of a tune we have not heard, news from a country we have never yet visited.

-

I was looking at this, well everything actually, and trying to figure out what it is I'm looking at by comparing it to what I knew, something familiar to me.

is this happy? let me compare it to watching kids play in a park while old Asian people play flute and sing songs.

is this sad? let me compare it to collapsing behind the door where snack lay lifeless wrapped in a towel.

I am looking at this and I want to call it beautiful but beauty usually makes me feel at peace but this,

this is fire in blood and the death of the flesh and ressurection of the soul

this is something my heart does not want, but what my spirit is crying out and grasping for

this is Glory,
this is God.

so God would you take this heart and quiet it, so my spirit can hear a new song, see a new sight, find a new Love.

follow the flowers

The Lord turned to him and said, “Go in the strength you have and save Israel out of Midian’s hand. Am I not sending you?

I have not much, God

but if you are filling in the empty source,

who then, shall I fear?

-

lord make me brave

3:12am

but where sin increased, grace increased all the more
-

I feel like there's something bad coming.

as Julianne said, why do I always think good things always come paired with bad things? like a bicycle with one circle wheel and a square wheel, where every complete pedal has a rough bump (is that a bad come-pair-ison?)

today I felt weird again. I try not to let the weird feelings make it too far, I'm always afraid of making a reckless move. so I let it come up and then I chose to shelf it, and chose to stay positive and wholesome like I've been trying to do all of 2018.

I've been having more of these weird moments, days, whatever. maybe because I'm sunburned again and my brain is fried, or maybe the nasal spray is clouding my head. maybe it's the diabetes and the vitamin imbalance. whatever. devil's probably trying to attack me in this time of goodness and I just gotta tell him to stay out. they must all be signs, so my prayer request is that God equip me and prepare me for the next season of struggles.

ah but no, today was really, really, really weird. something is tugging at me to buckle down and look at it. it's 3:26 now, why not?

the way I've been talking: the words and the tones, how it changes from person to person, from work to church to home. how reckless and lazy I've been in teaching and accountability and serving. how it's been so hard to be patient these days with my parents and my sister and my friends, how I've been thinking about cutting people out of my life but what for? for pride? bad influence? for self satisfaction? God, be patient with me, but where is Lucy? the drive? the passion? the heart? your heart in me? the things to look forward to? finally I'm dreaming again, but all these dreams are just pointless.

3:32, let me stop, please.

God, when did things become so cold in my heart? how did I get here and when did the sun get so far away?

I think I'm already in it, that season. I think I've been in it for a little bit for a while. I think that while I was clinging on with dear life onto my little patch of grass, the devil dug up everything around me.

this week there was no Friday service, no poiema. look how far that skid is. I've been scraping the bare minimum and so it makes sense that when I lose one leg from my church tripod, the whole thing gets a little shaky.

I don't know how I got here, in this pit, but Your presence is somehow already here. I'm still clinging on to this little grass patch called Grace and it's all I have in this place.

I call that,
a good start.

it's 3:48 but it's good to see You again.

_

preach the gospel

readers become leaders, right mr pae?

-

what is the gospel, Kevin?

the gospel is the good news.

what is the good news, Kevin?

Jesus, fully God, came and, fully human, died for the sins of all people because of His great love all people.

for who, kevin?

for people.

for who, Kevin?

ooh the sinners.

for who, Kevin?

for us?

for who, Kevin?

for me?

for you.

what is the gospel, Kevin?

the gospel is the good news that Jesus, fully God, came and, fully human, died for my sins because of His great love, for me.

today I learned (or re learned) that I need to preach the gospel to myself.

the good news is for me too.