god is flipping me from the desert to the ocean to the desert to the ocean

its like being deep fried 

i will be a wonderful churro

whats the best food to eat when youre sad?

a churro because it will help you churr-up.

fling wide you heavenly gates

not to let God in, but to draw him out

out of the box you've tried to hide him in

release

and reveal his glory in your life

then he will lead you

and you will follow

does God read blogs or does he just know

i know the circumstances:

on His time.

"like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased."

oh is that it?? u funny

b&f

i'm at that point again, 

am i really hearing you or am i just fooling myself 

is this world deceiving me or are you speaking through the world

is the quiet whisper i hear really your voice

or is it my soul tricking my self

because when i take a step forward i get wrecked

when i take a step backwards i get wrecked

when i stand still i get wrecked. 

i thought you were speaking to me through other people

but everyone is telling me opposite things at the same time.

god knows i cant make the decisions for myself anymore 

loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooool

2017:

But seek the welfare of the city where I have sent you into exile, and pray to the Lord on its behalf, for in its welfare you will find your welfare.

"oppa i couldn't stop laughing in my head because the sermon today was literally your life"

is this what it is God? exile? 

please lawd

give me strength or rest

and no one will take your joy from you.

repeat repeat until it makes sense to you

love dont let me go dont let go 

love dont let me go dont let go 

love dont let me go dont let go 

love dont let me go dont let go

it's a start

pray

the words we used to say to each other

in the end were just words

they were meant to be forgotten and tbh

i forget anyways.

i just talk to god to fill in the blanks now

i still forget what i say

but i hope god remembers

and passes the message on to you

in the strangest and most wonderful ways.

Besides this you know the time, that the hour has come for you to wake from sleep. For salvation is nearer to us now than when we first believed.
Romans 13:11

today the doctors said I was okay

it makes no sense

I'll be honest

things should be way worse

god why are you sustaining me

what do you want me to do?

ceramics

But who are you, O man, to answer back to God? Will what is molded say to its molder, "Why have you made me like this?" Has the potter no right over the clay, to make out of the same lump one vessel for honorable use and another for dishonorable use?
-Romans 9

GOD PLEASE DO NOT SHAPE ME BASED ON MY POTTERY BECAUSE MY POTTERY IS SO BAAAAAAAAAAD

realize

you used to think this entire album was horrible

you gave it one listen and then never touched it again.

now look at you

now you understand.

the words havent changed,

neither has the God who inspired them

the only thing that's changed is your heart

and how desperate it is

how desperate it should have been
:
Be patient Be kind Hold no envy or pride Be the first to come last for another Never forced, slow to anger Trust without keeping score
Long to suffer with truth

Love will never die

1137

But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.
Romans 8. 25

there is nothing in my life you cannot use

so draw out all the things I've tried so hard to hide from you

make me forget who I am

so that all I know is who you are.

then use me again and again and again

catch your breath

and step right back on course

i hope for longer seasons of peace

and shorter seasons of suffering

but i do not pray for them,

your will be done.

thank you god thank you god

what a time to be alive.

are you done yet

im tired. 

so are you done

look around me. you've taken everything

yes i did

but why

why not

uh

are you done? complaining, crying, yelling, flailing, pleading, begging, fighting?

i dont have any strength left to do any of those things

so you're done

yeah, im done. 

good. 

now be still. 

into the deep

the confusion, anger, sadness, regret, self-loathing, hate, joy, peace, grace, happiness, satisfaction, disappointment, struggle, conviction, fear, desperation, dreams, hope:

the devil will have none of it. not a single thing.

god you've won my heart and everything that comes with it

God you have to let me sleep

or at least say something

don't just watch 

ship rekt

But now I urge you to keep up your courage, because not one of you will be lost; only the ship will be destroyed.
Acts 27:22

back into the water

don't float this time, swim.

god please.

why

I love you god

and I promised you what I did and I did it

please keep up your end of that bargain.

it's only fair.

cs lewis

"Imagine yourself as a living house.

God comes in to rebuild that house.

At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense.

What on earth is He up to?

The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards.

You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself."

reprise

a glorious grace:

"grace and glory differ very little

one is the seed the other is the flower

grace is glory militant,

glory is grace triumphant.

grace and glory and glory and grace are triumphant in the life of the believer who will call upon the name of Jesus"

bloom

Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.

same situation. same dread. same struggle. same confusion. same helplessness. 

different approach. 

same grace, same forgiveness, same love. 

new Kevin.

same God. 

Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you.

there is a room. 

behind the back door

up the stairs 

behind the screen 

one more door. 

it is not a big room: one chair, one cushion. 

a brown cross on the wall. 

but I have never heard such quiet 

quiet not in my ears but in my heart

a quiet where one can speak and be heard

and where one can listen and be spoken to. 

Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain.

But the evil spirit answered them, “Jesus I know, and Paul I recognize, but who are you?”

hmm.

summer 2007

we painted like 3 walls that day.

vanessa noona's contact fell out and it was so tiny and she used spit to clean it i thought you werent supposed to do that.

for lunch i learned that goobers is a thing and its pretty much the greatest thing ever.

i fell asleep during service.

i think they thought i was praying so they all left me in the room.

i woke up and it was dim and there were only a few strangers still sitting

they were silently bowed, maybe even weeping.

i was going to leave because it was weird but then the band started playing.

i am not skilled to understand

then the kick comes in and the electric with a dirty strum and the bass starts rolling

what god has willed what god has planned

remember when you asked me to play bass and i said no because bass is dumb

i only know at his right hand

then james went on AIM to tell me to play bass so that he could play electric

stands one who is my savior

the cymbals start to ring and the kick gets a little stronger

that he would leave his place on high

remember how we used to try and untune each others guitars on stage while praying

and come for sinful man to die

then everyone left suddenly but the holy spirit was among us three

you count it strange so once did i

but constantly i am reminded of what i felt that night

before i knew my savior

that shiver, that sensation, that moment of guilt and conviction then glory and complete redemption

my savior loves, my savior lives
my saviors always there for me
my god he was my god he is
my god hes always gonna be

the very first time i met you and you revealed yourself and you told me who you were and then,

you stepped back up to your throne

and i couldnt see you. 

but i know youre still there

and i will break down every door and wall and bone in my body

to hear that song the same way i heard it in the warm summer of 2007.

yung kevin.

remind me what it was like back then.

god is so good.

Though He slay me, I will hope in Him;
\\\

\\\
    yet I will argue my ways to His face.

come Lord, let us wrestle

make me stronger

For they all contributed out of their abundance, but she out of her poverty put in all she had to live on."

surrender.

everything.

to practice compassion and kindness

to be patient and enduring

choose wisdom over riches

and stand justified before god

ps:

Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

into rough waters

a ship is never meant to be docked

you are never meant to stay comfortable 

you are to be challenged and refined.

this will hurt, 

again. 

you will feel it, 

again. 

but you will get through this. 

take heart kevin. 

hold on to what is good. 

one day our seasons will line up

but until then

iron sharpens iron.

god have mercy on me

you are good to me
you are good to me
you are good to me

Then he said, “Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom. ”  Jesus answered him, “Truly I tell you, today you will be with me in paradise.”

imagine that.

to see the son of god die the same way of you, the common criminal in his rightful place.

then to see him turn to you and speak with his own lips that is not the end.

"Jesus remember me"

he did.



Jesus remember me.

ALL ABOARD THE BUS

Join with me in suffering, like a good soldier of Christ Jesus.
2 Timothy 2:3

practice

Rejoice always, 

pray without ceasing, 

give thanks in all circumstances; 

for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

when jesus music finally starts to make you feel again

god you have heard me and you are working in me

thank you

==================================================

there are some things that are just

out of my control :

what the future holds for me

how others perceive me

how others treat me

why my hands sweat so much

what you are giving me

and what you are holding back

\

i was so focused on trying to control these factors that i ended up hurting myself

and forgetting what i do control:

my attitude

my worship

my surrender

my words

my gratitude

/

no more complaining out loud

no more unhindered vulnerability

no more visible weakness.

you are strong

you are smart

you are loved.

even if you do not feel these things

fake it til you make it

what else are you going to do?

=

thank you for the constant annoying encouragement and a glimpse of hope

thank you for the tough love and the wake up call

thank you for saying i complain too much and straight up ignored my prayer request (love you guys, but also screw you guys)

god is moving; and the struggle bus moves on.

~

and now the poor stand and confess:
that my portion is Him
and I'm more than blessed.

sinner // saint

you are meant to be a saint

but you are living as a sinner

you are living as a sinner

because you keep telling yourself you are

because you keep letting yourself

"neither do I condemn you; go and sin no more"

stop blaming others

stop blaming yourself

"though he may stumble, he will not fall,
    for the Lord upholds him with his hand."

your walk is not a staircase, it is a cycle 

you will be filled, you will be emptied

"Rejoice not over me, O my enemy;
    when I fall, I shall rise;
when I sit in darkness,
    the Lord will be a light to me."

never is a light brighter

than when you are stuck in the dark

Let us know; let us press on to know the Lord;

his going out is sure as the dawn;

he will come to us as the showers,

as the spring rains that water the earth.”

i am in the desert

wait patiently for the rain

it will come 

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; 
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, 
and the flame shall not consume you."

i am struggling god 

this i cannot deny

but i am alive 

refine me

www.desiringgod.org/articles/praying-for-a-breakthrough

"You’re up against more than you know. But “he who is in you is greater than he who is in the world”"

Fear not, little flock, for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom.

show me.