sinner // saint

you are meant to be a saint

but you are living as a sinner

you are living as a sinner

because you keep telling yourself you are

because you keep letting yourself

"neither do I condemn you; go and sin no more"

stop blaming others

stop blaming yourself

"though he may stumble, he will not fall,
    for the Lord upholds him with his hand."

your walk is not a staircase, it is a cycle 

you will be filled, you will be emptied

"Rejoice not over me, O my enemy;
    when I fall, I shall rise;
when I sit in darkness,
    the Lord will be a light to me."

never is a light brighter

than when you are stuck in the dark

Let us know; let us press on to know the Lord;

his going out is sure as the dawn;

he will come to us as the showers,

as the spring rains that water the earth.”

i am in the desert

wait patiently for the rain

it will come 

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; 
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, 
and the flame shall not consume you."

i am struggling god 

this i cannot deny

but i am alive 

refine me

www.desiringgod.org/articles/praying-for-a-breakthrough

"You’re up against more than you know. But “he who is in you is greater than he who is in the world”"

Fear not, little flock, for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom.

show me.

 Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

hello 

its me, 
weary and burdened. tired and burnt out
because i have been wrestling you god 

and losing.

why did i even get into the ring? 

to seek answers.

why am i even seeking answers?

because i have questions.

why do i even have questions? 

because i am unsure.

why am i unsure? 

ahh... because i lost faith. 

and there it is. 

------------------------

you always told yourself to stop breaking down and starting over

guess what dingdong

you gotta start over. 

and this is ok 

youll be ok 

if not, then at least-

actually no

no more if nots

faith is: 

giving up those if nots

and just giving in and asking

when do you want it done and

where do you need me to be.

to be used&abused. 


youll make something beautiful 
out of me

Oh what grace I've found in You my Jesus
That my soul should entertain Your greatness
Should this life hold nothing but my Savior

i get it.

sort of. 

all the things i wanted:

to have a job where i can be proud to share with others, to have stronger friendships, to have significant relationships, to finally no longer feel anxiety and panic, to feel like my life is worth something, to have a goal for my future, to be able to worship without struggling, to be able to actually hear you in my prayers for once, to be inspired and set on fire for you, to witness and experience miracles, to see reconciliation between my parents, to let go of my bitterness, to have peace in my heart, to be happy. 

i've always expected these things to be given to me. 

like god holding up his end of the deal.

i ended up so disappointed and hurt because god you've given me nothing. absolutely nothing. 

ah then it hit me 

you never said you would. 

i had all these expectations that i thought we shared but no, it's all from me. 

i built you to be the god i wanted you to be for me, but its the opposite. 

i truly am so insignificant. 

what i desire is so small compared to your glory.

all you did was call me to follow, and nothing else. 

i answered that call, but expected everything for you. 

im letting go now 

if my life is to be plentiful and fulfilling and successful, glory to god. 

if my life is to be a struggle and miserable and painful, glory to god. 

if i am truly disappointed in this path im on, then by all means i can just leave.

but i wont because i know the other way leads to nothing.

i get it now

sort of,

im letting go

No, I strike a blow to my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.

you already know it

that he will use you and break you

and challenge you and build you

until you have finally given up on your self

and you let go, and let Him


how long are you going to live like this

with bags under your eyes

constantly questioning and struggling

the anxiety the panic attacks

'you're wasting your time'


i dont know how else to use it?


'how long are you going to live like this?'


until my heart caves in.