Oh what grace I've found in You my Jesus
That my soul should entertain Your greatness
Should this life hold nothing but my Savior

i get it.

sort of. 

all the things i wanted:

to have a job where i can be proud to share with others, to have stronger friendships, to have significant relationships, to finally no longer feel anxiety and panic, to feel like my life is worth something, to have a goal for my future, to be able to worship without struggling, to be able to actually hear you in my prayers for once, to be inspired and set on fire for you, to witness and experience miracles, to see reconciliation between my parents, to let go of my bitterness, to have peace in my heart, to be happy. 

i've always expected these things to be given to me. 

like god holding up his end of the deal.

i ended up so disappointed and hurt because god you've given me nothing. absolutely nothing. 

ah then it hit me 

you never said you would. 

i had all these expectations that i thought we shared but no, it's all from me. 

i built you to be the god i wanted you to be for me, but its the opposite. 

i truly am so insignificant. 

what i desire is so small compared to your glory.

all you did was call me to follow, and nothing else. 

i answered that call, but expected everything for you. 

im letting go now 

if my life is to be plentiful and fulfilling and successful, glory to god. 

if my life is to be a struggle and miserable and painful, glory to god. 

if i am truly disappointed in this path im on, then by all means i can just leave.

but i wont because i know the other way leads to nothing.

i get it now

sort of,

im letting go