altar call

i hated altar calls. so unoriginal, so bland, so overdone. so stupid how every altar call you supposedly give your life back to Jesus and to do what, just fall right back into sin? there's no point in altar calls, it's just an image thing. that was running through my mind today, where we went to a praise night in san jose. the speaker invited us to pray with him on stage; what a clever way to rephrase the typical altar call. i sat in my chair, not planning to go up like a fake christian. i was sure that there would be no difference in my life if i went up there or not, so i decided to just sit. then i thought if repeated altar calls mean nothing, then is repeated confessions mean nothing? if an altar call is meant to be a one time thing, why does every speaker stress the importance of it, if they know every other damn person out there is calling for one? an altar call is not a moment to proclaim your christian-ness. it's a time to renew your trust in God and everything He stands for. It's not about your image, it's about the image you show others when you say "yes, i am a christian. and yet i come up to this altar because i do not fully grasp God, and im here now to show you that i know what i have is not enough." so yes, i proudly admit that the holy spirit inspired me to walk out to the altar without following anyone, the first time in my life i've ever done that. i didn't care who was looking at me, because i had a goal, a goal to be restored. because the times are going to be changing soon.

Hm.

You know what, I don't think I'll end up being friends with my school friends in the long run. They party hard; I don't. They drink til the sun goes down, I'd rather go to In-n-Out. They find wiping out, drunk dialing me, not remembering anything is having fun, while I play basketball. Am I the loser here? Am I the odd one out for not facked up? It's wrong but sometimes I wish they would get caught, just so they would stop. But some friend I am. 2 more weeks til Irvine.

Grandma

On my most respected list of people, my grandma is probably first. My earliest memory of her was when she was living in a room, which would become my sisters. All she had was a mattress and a thin blanket. My grandma always babysat me, and at night, she held me in her arms while I howled away, pretending to be a wolf. She said to me in Korean, "Be quiet or else the wolves will come and eat you!" My grandma doesn't mess around. There is one photograph of my grandma in her youth; she looked like a dancer. Other than that photograph, the only face i see when I imagine my grandma is a small woman with a wrinkled face and snow white hair. But I know she has a hidden, glorious past. After retiring from the dance industry at a tender age of 20, my grandma decided to abandon the quiet life in her small Korean village and take to the seas. For the next thirty years, she ruled the Yellow Sea, pillaging villages, burning towns, and reaping the booty. Yes, all seemed quite settled for my grandma, until she met another pirate, trespassing on her waters. This pirate was also very skilled, and also very powerful. After an intense territorial battle, my grandma and the mysterious pirate agreed on a meeting, and from then, my grandma had met her husband. My grandparents then monopolized the sea, and were respected all around the world. Around 1950, my grandparents decided that the pirate life was too boring for them, so they settled in California. Japan, hearing that the legendary pirates had retired, seized the opportunity and invaded Korea, but that's a whole other story. i love my grandma. she makes the best gaddamn kimchi you will ever put your unworthy lips on. all other kimchi come up short compared to hers. i remember as a kid, i asked my mom how long my grandma was going to live. she assured me she'll be there before i leave for college. and that's true. i hope she'll be there to see me get married, because i want my kids to know who my grandma is. yo ho ho, it's a pirate's life for me.

because you will never appreciate things until its gone

ultimate cliche, and yet oh so applicable to my life.

i miss praise team. i miss council. i miss everything i had in youth group.

its not these certain things that i miss, rather it is that i miss childhood. i miss being young and careless. the things i thought were tough in my youth, i would gladly trade the world for.

not only do i not want to grow up, i am afraid. i am afraid of change, not within the environment, but within myself. i feel content with where i was 5 months ago.

i see people change, and pray that it does not happen to me. but what if it does? how will i react?

God i am so damn scared of life. the present never lasts, but the future goes a long time.

thanks.

i complain too much.

of course my complaints are justified and reasonable, but I think I need to make room for gratitude.

thanks to my parents, for the nourishment of delicious meals and the countless number of useless crap i begged for you to buy me. for all the life lessons and for the opportunity to allow me to teach you a few things about technology

thanks to my sister, for being the older brother i needed, for the spark of music taste, for the support in whatever i do.

thanks to my friends, jason, jonathan, johnny, bronas for life. i will never forget the bond we've solidified these past four years.

thanks to more friends, squad, jkc, lunchtime tablefriends, afterschool friends, call of duty friends, you guys taught me theres more to school than just studying.

thanks to church, for shaping me the way i am now, for helping me realize my mistakes, and for introducing me to a second chance.

thanks to praise team, truly i would not be where I am if it were not for that step of faith. thank you jonathan, michael, meryem, andrea for fostering a young spirit in a new praise team. thank you esther, julie, chan, irene for showing me a new generation of worshippers. and good luck to john, hopefully i have set an example for you to observe, and to one day, surpass.

thank you God, because I would not be alive if it werent for a couple of miracles on your part. because every breath is another chance. they might say im a fool, that i've given up everything for something that doesnt exist, but how can they know what i've experienced in my lifetime? and so I thank you, for everything.

forgiveness through action

i mess up a lot, no doubt.

i've been to 12 summer camps in my life, make it 13 now, and every special service is the same. A time to repent your sins through some creative way to make it appealing to adolescents while trying to make it serious.

there was a time for prayer, and like the other 12 times, I got down on my knees and asked for forgiveness. then i thought to myself

what is the point of asking for forgiveness when God and I both know that I'm going to screw up again?

a question brought up a countless number of times, and yet i still struggle with the answer.

i've said sorry to God so many times, that there is no meaning left to the word. what is the point? what can i do?

and so I have decided to no longer ask for forgiveness through sorries, but work for forgiveness.

it's not a deal. im not asking God to give me a forgiveness point for every good deed i do, but rather, i want to show God that I desperately need His forgiveness and to show that i truly want it, i work for the kingdom.

an exercise shown to me in clovis;

hold your breath. keep holding it, past to what you can handle. and when you get to the point where your lungs feel like imploding, you gasp for a breath. that desperation your body feels, that is what you must feel for God.

crave God like your body craves air.

it's just one of those nights.

where I come to the deserted blogger and think.

On thursday night during group devotions, I proclaimed to the youth group that I did not know God.

Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut.

It's not that I do not want help, I do, but I just don't know.

Is this a test that God expects me to conquer independently or an opportunity to allow another person to reach to me?

Regardless, what was said has been said.

Let me explain my reasoning why I feel that I do not know God.

Growing up Christian, I had my foundations deep into the church. I loved church. At a young age I knew I was supposed to be there because it just felt natural. But where did I go wrong?

I matured spiritually, and I found myself to be a leader of my peers. And this is where I have found fault within myself under reflection this week.

I built a spiritual reputation in the church, I am expected to do church work. In fact, it is not even expected by others, but expected by me. I am the problem; I am the reason why I struggle. Because for so long, I've done so many works to satisfy my selfish reputation of my spiritual pride, and I forgotten the real reason why I should be working: the kingdom.

I had the right action, but the wrong motive. For 18 years I fooled myself into believing that doing works selfishly but as long as the job gets done was the way to go. But not only have I possibly ruined the hope for the people I served, I sabotage my own walk with God.

I am not here to be comfortable, I am here to do work. The pretentiousness of my history is clear. I proclaim the humility of my life to the world, when in actuality I expect recognition for my deeds.

Everything I have done has been for nothing, because I had chosen to give nothing but empty actions.

I could stay in a state of sadness, but what good does that do? I have to face the fact that no matter how much I mope, no one cares. They may show a sign of compassion, but that can only comfort temporarily.

Get off your high horse and get to work.

I am willing to start all over for the glory of God, because I know He's the only reason why I'm still alive.

Diabetes should have killed me months ago, but God still thinks I am of use.

Every breath is indeed another blessing sent straight from heaven to me, and like breath, I must make kingdom work essential.

I arrogantly requested God to break me, but I never imagined I would be reduced to emotionally nothing. However through the rubble comes another chance.

Clear out the dust and let new life come through. Because my God is a God of infinite chances.

My crew devotion leader Michael Love, who I will endlessly respect, said this during a prayer:

"where the body fails, God does not"

and I will push myself until this body breaks.

what I now realize is that, by proclaiming that I do not know God, I have taken the first step into accepting that I am not the greatest, or even the standard. I am absolutely confused in this life and I could really use some heavenly guidance now.