it's just one of those nights.

where I come to the deserted blogger and think.

On thursday night during group devotions, I proclaimed to the youth group that I did not know God.

Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut.

It's not that I do not want help, I do, but I just don't know.

Is this a test that God expects me to conquer independently or an opportunity to allow another person to reach to me?

Regardless, what was said has been said.

Let me explain my reasoning why I feel that I do not know God.

Growing up Christian, I had my foundations deep into the church. I loved church. At a young age I knew I was supposed to be there because it just felt natural. But where did I go wrong?

I matured spiritually, and I found myself to be a leader of my peers. And this is where I have found fault within myself under reflection this week.

I built a spiritual reputation in the church, I am expected to do church work. In fact, it is not even expected by others, but expected by me. I am the problem; I am the reason why I struggle. Because for so long, I've done so many works to satisfy my selfish reputation of my spiritual pride, and I forgotten the real reason why I should be working: the kingdom.

I had the right action, but the wrong motive. For 18 years I fooled myself into believing that doing works selfishly but as long as the job gets done was the way to go. But not only have I possibly ruined the hope for the people I served, I sabotage my own walk with God.

I am not here to be comfortable, I am here to do work. The pretentiousness of my history is clear. I proclaim the humility of my life to the world, when in actuality I expect recognition for my deeds.

Everything I have done has been for nothing, because I had chosen to give nothing but empty actions.

I could stay in a state of sadness, but what good does that do? I have to face the fact that no matter how much I mope, no one cares. They may show a sign of compassion, but that can only comfort temporarily.

Get off your high horse and get to work.

I am willing to start all over for the glory of God, because I know He's the only reason why I'm still alive.

Diabetes should have killed me months ago, but God still thinks I am of use.

Every breath is indeed another blessing sent straight from heaven to me, and like breath, I must make kingdom work essential.

I arrogantly requested God to break me, but I never imagined I would be reduced to emotionally nothing. However through the rubble comes another chance.

Clear out the dust and let new life come through. Because my God is a God of infinite chances.

My crew devotion leader Michael Love, who I will endlessly respect, said this during a prayer:

"where the body fails, God does not"

and I will push myself until this body breaks.

what I now realize is that, by proclaiming that I do not know God, I have taken the first step into accepting that I am not the greatest, or even the standard. I am absolutely confused in this life and I could really use some heavenly guidance now.