crossroads

sometimes I need to wait for my heart before I take action

and sometimes my heart learns how to catch up

but what I'm learning in this season is that I have to fight

I have to do something

how long will I let my laziness promise me empty dreams
or let my mind speak over God's word?

to sit at a crossroads is to give up

and I was not made to give up

12 days of thanks

day 12

thankful for the storms

because God, You are in control. that's a truth

because God, You love me, and that's a truth.

these storms are not meant to hurt me, but they are a demonstration that ultimately captures Your love for me.

I will not fear the storm, I will fear the Lord.

the devil will not take 2019 away from us
because who can take what is secured in God's arms?
this year to even my life,
what can the devil take from me, when I have already given it up to Him who loves?

nothing.

12 days of thanks

day 11

thankful for juju.

I thought I was just going to learn how to love, as God loves.

but I was thinking too small.

I'm learning how
to fight
to grow
to cry
to speak
to rebuke
to lead
to forgive
to be patient
to get up
to get over
to improve
to fall
and to stand again.

as always, I'm happy to be with you.

as always, I'm thankful to be with you.

12 days of thanks

day 10

thank you lucy and snack

for loving me so unconditionally

and letting me love you conditionally

i miss you guys a lot

lucy: i sang your song on the way back from the gym, i hope you still remember how to sing it

snack: i replay that video of you grabbing my finger and licking it, you stupid dingdong.

i dont dream about you guys, because i think itll just wreck me to see you two again

but i keep you in my heart.

12 days of thanks

day 9

my (current) job

I still remember the day I got hired.

sitting in the back seat of an ugly Mercedes passenger transit van, opening up my email after 2 weeks of no connection. it had been tough, thinking about how after missions the reality of being an unemployed graduate would be waiting for me after kingdom work.

but the Lord works in mysterious ways, and sometimes super obvious ways.

it's not that the pay is good, or the commute is good, or the work is easy, it was that feeling of being noticed, of being selected, of being wanted. a tiny fraction of what great love and favor God shows me.

work will not be my idol. I'm thankful God, not for the job in itself, but because of the faithfulness You have shown to a person so undeserving.

and here we are again, in a season of (maybe) new opportunity, but may my eyes remain on You alone.

3 days in

Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.

Romans 8:26

-

literally I don't know what to pray about.

what am I fighting? why am I even fighting?

something is lodged in my heart and I either don't know how to get it out or even worse, I pretend it's not there.

but it's there, a bitter spring. an insecurity that has a root inside and it showing itself.

but I know I have to pray. maybe not with words but in screams and yells.

ahhhh I'm so sorry everyone,

so so sorry.

Jesus find me.

12 days of thanks

day 8

thankful for health (so far)

despite this massive headache

and the diabetes (l o l)

thankful for you Lord for providing me a body that works

so that i can still worship.

small fingers that cant play guitar, just play bass. and worship.

sweaty hands cant hold drumsticks right, just strap on rubber bands. and worship

cant sing a song pitch perfect, just... sing. and worship.

not the fastest, not the strongest, not the wisest, not the-

thank goodness none of these things matter.

just worship.

6.8%.

2019

last year I knew God was going to do big things, and He did.

I knew it even before it turned to a new year, and I asked for prayer because I was scared.

this year is the same, You will do great things.

but I have seen of His faithfulness and of His great love; this year I shall not fear.

There are talents that I was given in 2018, that are now sealed away, but God, give me another chance.

this year I want to know who I am: the sinner who is condemned. this year will be a year of humbling. it will be a year where I will seek to see myself for who I truly am, in my brokenness and fracturing.

it will be a year where I seek to see myself in the eyes of my Father, who is holy in nature and love in motivation; who I am in the hands of my Creator. and I will see who I am fully, and see that love covers it all.

this is the year of redemption for the sinner, and whom shall I fear?

12 days of thanks

day 7,

new life church, northern california first Korean Baptist Church, or as I just call it, church.

a church does not reach 30 years because of the staff or the programs, but by the sovereign hand of God alone.

I am thankful for a place where I can worship, where I can be amongst believers and my brothers and sisters, where the spirit can find its home in this temple.

everything it is, on the inside, physically and metaphorically and spiritually, God You are here.

and if You are here, I want to be here. congrats on 30 years, here's to a hundred more.