Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

hello 

its me, 
weary and burdened. tired and burnt out
because i have been wrestling you god 

and losing.

why did i even get into the ring? 

to seek answers.

why am i even seeking answers?

because i have questions.

why do i even have questions? 

because i am unsure.

why am i unsure? 

ahh... because i lost faith. 

and there it is. 

------------------------

you always told yourself to stop breaking down and starting over

guess what dingdong

you gotta start over. 

and this is ok 

youll be ok 

if not, then at least-

actually no

no more if nots

faith is: 

giving up those if nots

and just giving in and asking

when do you want it done and

where do you need me to be.

to be used&abused. 


youll make something beautiful 
out of me

Oh what grace I've found in You my Jesus
That my soul should entertain Your greatness
Should this life hold nothing but my Savior

i get it.

sort of. 

all the things i wanted:

to have a job where i can be proud to share with others, to have stronger friendships, to have significant relationships, to finally no longer feel anxiety and panic, to feel like my life is worth something, to have a goal for my future, to be able to worship without struggling, to be able to actually hear you in my prayers for once, to be inspired and set on fire for you, to witness and experience miracles, to see reconciliation between my parents, to let go of my bitterness, to have peace in my heart, to be happy. 

i've always expected these things to be given to me. 

like god holding up his end of the deal.

i ended up so disappointed and hurt because god you've given me nothing. absolutely nothing. 

ah then it hit me 

you never said you would. 

i had all these expectations that i thought we shared but no, it's all from me. 

i built you to be the god i wanted you to be for me, but its the opposite. 

i truly am so insignificant. 

what i desire is so small compared to your glory.

all you did was call me to follow, and nothing else. 

i answered that call, but expected everything for you. 

im letting go now 

if my life is to be plentiful and fulfilling and successful, glory to god. 

if my life is to be a struggle and miserable and painful, glory to god. 

if i am truly disappointed in this path im on, then by all means i can just leave.

but i wont because i know the other way leads to nothing.

i get it now

sort of,

im letting go

No, I strike a blow to my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.

you already know it

that he will use you and break you

and challenge you and build you

until you have finally given up on your self

and you let go, and let Him


how long are you going to live like this

with bags under your eyes

constantly questioning and struggling

the anxiety the panic attacks

'you're wasting your time'


i dont know how else to use it?


'how long are you going to live like this?'


until my heart caves in.

C:\Users\kevin\Documents\My Games\untitled.txt

he is jealous for me

Love's like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy,,
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great 
Your affections are for me.

And we are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes.
If His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.
And Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest.
I don't have time to maintain these regrets
When I think about the way   

That He loves us,

a lot to say but not a lot of ways to say it

let me start with:

thank you God

and 

uh

hm

sometimes less is more 

and more is less

huh

He does not concern Himself with my standards

and my expectations

and my dreams

and my desires

He provides for me the things i need 

and things i didnt know i needed

it is both frightening and exciting

maybe more frightening 

but what can i do 

other than to float with the current and let the waves splash me?

i stepped into the water 

knowing the sea was rough and the wind was blowing

because i wanted to know what it's like

to walk on water 

even if just for a single step. 

i would jump in again and again

and again and again and again and again

just so you can grab me

no seriously

what am i supposed to do LOL

st augustine of hippo

"you have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our heart is restless until it finds its rest in you."

fight these thoughts:

is this actually going to help

is this actually going to work

am I supposed to be here

am I supposed to feel like this

is this always going to be this hard?

leave it all behind keep your head out the clouds and move forward no matter how big or small. 

And what I say to you I say to all: Stay awake."
Mark 13:37

The modern day translation of this is: s t a y w o k e.

in the end I don't have to win the race

as long as I get my yellow participation badge I'll be okay and happy just to be able to run.

And yes I'm a mess but I'm blessed

~

I feel like death but I know for a fact I'm alive.

and that's ok I think.

All things were made through him, and without him was not any thing made that was made.
John 1:3

you are created in the image of God. believe it and let the others know as well.

I had a lot typed for you future kevin but I deleted it all. I'm sorry but I hope youll remember what youre feeling right now and I hope you have it figured out by your time. please take care of yourself.

you can sleep when you're dead.

in the meantime,

be used and abused.

dear lord

thank you for the days where things feel okay

give me the strength for the days where it doesn't.

i will never be good enough to them.

i will never be smart enough to them.

i will never be tall enough to them.

i will never be healthy enough to them.

i will never be holy enough to them.

i will never be funny enough to them.

i will never be outgoing enough to them.

i will never be cool enough to them.

but they are not the ones sending me.

The LORD turned to him and said, "Go in the strength you have and save Israel out of Midian's hand. Am I not sending you?"


go go go you stupid diabetic midget there's so much to do

Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end.

be patient mr lee be patient mr lee be patient mr lee be patient mr lee be patient mr lee be patient mr lee be patient mr lee be patient mr lee be patient mr lee be patient mr lee be patient mr lee be patient mr lee be patient mr lee be patient mr lee be patient mr lee be patient mr lee be patient mr lee be patient mr lee be patient mr lee be patient mr lee be patient mr lee be patient mr lee 

we do not know why we suffer

because we do not know what suffering is.

we know how it feels

but truly we can never define it for what it is.

but we can see what follows:

the hurt, the stress, the confusion

the growth, the understanding, the endurance

but really

it's mostly just confusion.

i am dumb.

Like the stars Your Word

Will align my voyage

And remind me where I’ve been

And where I am going.