before I forget

ohma's carmex in a tube

me and noona stuck in the back seat

appa driving, but he didn't have hair

my head hurts from the smell of leather

but really it's probably because of my phone

back then it used to be a book

but back then it was still a family

and so is this, still.

slept on it

"what is your purpose? no, not your dream, not your goal, not your career, not your job; 

what is your purpose?"

to love neverending, to pour out to my last breath to those around me, to follow and be like Christ and in all things, abide in You and bring to You all the glory.

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. 

Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, 

for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.

just just just

just stop.

stop wandering.

just pray.

for the love of God,

for the sake of your soul,

just hush child.

and pray.

listen.

it's okay,

just pray.

mountain ranges

before me, there are mountains:

some large, some small. some dusty and some full of lush grass. some with windy roads and some with paved paths and some with nothing at all.

I look back, and there are different mountains, they look far away, I've been through them.

I just want to sit down, but something stirs deep down to keep moving.

it's too late to go back, it didn't even cross my mind and it's not worth it anyway.

there's no use in staying put either.

then,

forward it is.

all i want is to be like You

-

so that in the end, 

i can be with You.

before the foxes come

praise you, God.

although I stumble in my metaphors

although they may see me as the fool

how can I not praise You, the Lord God Almighty?

it is easy to praise Him when things go well, and they say that true worship will come during the times of suffering, but sing, little soul, sing out for now is a time for rejoicing. rejoice, and say again, rejoice

Lord You love us, and You lavish upon Your children the blessings from Your hand in abundance. we have gathered under one name, one spirit, one crucifixition. immerse us in Your love.

I have nothing of value to give to You. Nothing in me is worth all that You have given me. Incomparable, unmistakable, undeniable, Lord You have redeemed us as Your people. let me stand before you, empty, forever if needed, because I want nothing but You.

it's easy to praise when things go right, but I rebuke the shame and guilt in this time: my God is deserving of all the worship.

let them say what they want

let my flesh tell me how undeserving I am,

but may my tongue never cease in the confession that my God, my God, how worthy is He!

7:55pm

can i just stay here, right in this moment?

just reading, listening, singing, worshipping, praising, praying, alone with You

nothing else,

just sitting cross legged in this chair, being.. surrounded, engulfed, drowning

becoming aware, filled, nourished, at peace by Your presence

can i just stay here?

it's 8:00pm, calendar says go to the gym

but should i go? do i have to go?

-

you can stay, or you can go.

i am with you. 

-

okay,

then i go.

out

"even though You slay me,
why would I run back to you"
asks a bitter heart

"because He has done
the same for me"
responds the one who has tasted
and seen what is Good.

-

I stopped praying in my head a long time ago. I decided that my thoughts are impure, volatile, untrustworthy. so I made a uh, deal with God, do not listen to my thoughts. do not judge me based on what I think, let me filter it out and declare to you out loud. listen only to the prayers I say with my mouth. I won't mix the good with the bad in my head.

I've been having bad dreams. dreams of things I thought I didn't think I would deal with again. dreams that I think reflect my deepest thoughts, the things I've tried to hide from God with my life.

I couldn't really see why they have to come up now? for what purpose? I woke up this morning so frustrated and afraid of was to come.

God knows my sins and yet He calls me by name.

maybe it's time. the beginning of a deeper fight, for light to touch the places left to wither in the dark by my own heart.

"My frame was not hidden from you,

when I was being made in secret,

intricately woven in the depths of the earth."

maybe You have already seen all the things I've been trying to hide in the depths of my head,

maybe it's time we get this over with,

let the heart and flesh fail and fall,

go through the thousand failures and defeats,

layers and layers of shame and guilt,

deeper and deeper

through what is broken and cast aside

deeper and deeper

:

a single conversation between father and son

"you know what, you're a good dad"

saying it out loud as if I had decided in that moment,

instead of accepting it in my heart for my entire life.

"no one is perfect"