important:

it's very important to listen to yourself.

to understand your emotions so that you can carry on in a logical, safe manner,

to keep your heart safe and your mind steady.

but this is not one of those times.

suspend thoughts and plans,

rewards and consquences,

and let go and surrender.

speak, child, speak.

give the grave only bones

hear the rattle of weakness

my groans and complaints

heavy eyelids, heavier worries

collapsed on the carpet, again, again.

see how He works, how He moves, how He uses you

give thanks, for grace and for strength;

pray,

and now, rest.

come alive

And he said to me, "Son of man, can these bones live?" And I answered, "O Lord God , you know."

to be more than

bones joints flesh

to be more than just me.

to be declared alive only after receiving breath,

I am just a body.

O Lord God, you know.

I want to be more than just a body.

I want to be alive.

wops

" I'm no leader.

good worshipper, sure. no leader. i just don't have what it takes. "

today I spoke it and confessed it, but then couldn't say where I heard it from. 

today I was reminded, once again, I am many things and I am not many things, but in the context of what God wants through me, then His will be done. 

today I realized that I still hold on, to pride and image, and today I realized to hell with all of that. 

once again, dingdong, I saw in myself desperately holding on to something that I can't carry with me, and then I felt, I need to let go. 

I am something now, but let me become nothing, so You can be everything. I didn't want all of You, but I need all of You. I didn't want to give it all up, but that's the cost huh, to take away everything not to be empty, but to make room. 

i have nothing of value to give to you but still, You will give nothing less than all of You.

spring up, old wells

in the places that were once dry

now begins to fill up

not by pouring into or the rain,

but something deeper.

how often

will I let fear take away a piece of the joy again?

little by little

doubt chips away at the fullness of His gift

a gift meant for me

a gift pulled apart by the little tugs of this world

look at me, and reach out

reach out, beloved,

through my trembling and tears,

past the cold and dark,

even past the warmth and light,

oh reach out even further,

reach out.

this is what you do

this is what You do,

You make all things new.

it is bursting through

alive.

9 13 17

dear lord,

thank you for the days that are good.

thank you for the days that aren't.

regardless of what kind of day tomorrow will be,

I would like You to be there.

thank you.

bookclub

"If you want to get warm you must stand near the fire: if you want to be wet you must get into the water. 

If you want joy, power, peace, eternal life, you must get close to, or even into, the thing that has them" (176).

In the daily struggles of focusing on God or understanding and holding fast to the sacrifice of Christ, I pray pretty frequently. I pray for peace and strength, for clarity and wisdom, I pray for things that will help me conquer my problems.

but I never seem to, for lack of a better word, try.

I don't dive into my bible, I read a chapter from my reading plan and sleep right after.

I don't read Christian books, I send an email every 2 weeks and flip through a couple of pages and call it a day.

I don't pour out love like how Christ has done for me, I ask how someone is doing and then shut off my ears.

Jesus came down as man, and as a man, experienced what the flesh encounters. I know this, and this is why I know I have a God that sympathizes with me. But why is it that I cannot conquer my problems like Christ?

I'm starting to realize I cannot look at Jesus alone, or God the Father alone, or lean on the holy spirit alone, but I must see how they are all one, singular Trinity of God. 

How in this unity, all things stream forth and all things return. So the things that I long for in my life aren't things that are to be simply given to me, but they are things that must stream forth and return; I need to be a part of this unity.

I think this is what it means to be a child of God. To abide in Him and He abides in me. 

a call to persevere

remember those earlier days after you had received the light, when you stood your ground in a great contest in the face of suffering

do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded.

you need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you receive what He has promised.

for in just a very little while, "He who is coming will come and will not delay. But my righteous one will live by faith. and if he shrinks back, I will not be pleased with him."

but we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed

but of those

who believe and are saved.

me irl

field notes

3 different places, only unfamiliarity where once I felt safe.

no lie, I feel so out of it all. thinking and then trying so hard, then I kick back and try to 'be myself' but then I find that even I am unfamiliar to me.

is this losing control? I haven't even let anything go, I just can't do it. this is not surrender.

still, God is in control yes right. what can I do right now but pray about it?

-

And the fear of God came on all the kingdoms of the countries when they heard that the Lord had fought against the enemies of Israel.

So the realm of Jehoshaphat was quiet,

for his God gave him rest all around.


we will see.

a windmill

flowers grow even when no one watches

they bloom because that's just what they do

I am more than just a flower

still growing.

...

if I was a plant I would be kev-fern.

all things, just a moment

I'm okay with letting these kind of days pass

because You have even better ones ahead.