suds

today was really tough, for a lot of reasons and at the same time not a lot of reasons.

I just want to

clean my room.

and curl up and just wait.

3/19

faith never knows where it is being led, but it knows and loves the One Who is leading.

to be dwelled on

“ ‘If you can’?” said Jesus. “Everything is possible for one who believes.” 

Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe;

help me overcome my unbelief!”

giving

Jesus never took. He only gave.

Even the things that were given to him, like a loaf of bread or a fish; it was multiplied and then,

given.

to feed the poor, to heal the sick, to make miracles, to express a love that God had been trying to express amidst rebellion.

He was given a life, and ultimately, gave it up, and gave eternal life to all.

even to abraham, who gave up his devotion and at one point, almost his only son to the Lord, was told

I will make you exceedingly fruitful, and I will make you into nations, and kings shall come from you.

giving giving giving.

-

i have received things abundantly, and sometimes taken things, but not for the purposes of giving it away.

i have received friendship, to hide my loneliness. i have received community, to fill in the gaps. i have received life to do nothing with it. i have received love to devour it

this is my emptiness; because what was given was not sent out. because what was filled has not been poured out, but it has dried up in its vessel. it is my desert, not just because of the lack of rain, but because the water has been spent without growing.

what tree bears a single fruit? what crop bears nothing?

-

i am not called to be a fig tree, one that is cursed to wither.

The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me,
    because the Lord has anointed me
to bring good news to the poor;
    he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim liberty to the captives,
    and the opening of the prison to those who are bound;
to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor,
    and the day of vengeance of our God;
    to comfort all who mourn;
to grant to those who mourn in Zion—
    to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness instead of mourning,
    the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit;
that they may be called

oaks of righteousness,

    the planting of the Lord, that he may be glorified.

wake up.

a flame thrower

every great gain is preceded by great loss.

all the questions and noise buzzing in my head

the doubts and the fears

the hurtful words and the things of like.

when you keep your pain hidden for fear of rebuke or ridicule

to feel unsafe and vulnerable in weakness

to again, believe in the lies you can't shake

when this fire starter clicks, and it's ember ignites,

all things are consumed by it's flame

and the Lord will call me beloved and wipe away every tear and ash and I'm in that place once again

seek not righteousness, holiness, compassion, but pursue God for he all is, and see everything else fall into place.

I did not like today, but I like this time. sprawled with a blanket too thin and dropping eyes

I am

hesitation

Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in your power to do it.

Do not say to your neighbor, "Go, and come again, tomorrow I will give it"—when you have it with you.

Proverbs 3

-

rush in, and you run in alone.

wait, and you miss it completely.

timing is not my strength nor my friend, and yet somehow, things always fall into place in the end, don't they?

I haven't heard from God in a while. I thought I heard Him today, but now I'm not really sure.

but He's there, somewhere. and if I stay on the tracks I'm bound to hear the train.

you really can never be lost in a place where you were never meant to be found.

imagine

He has given me a mind.

I can think.

I can dream.

-

I can lie to myself.

I can be thoughtless.


But as I have a beating heart, I also have a living mind. One that is made in the image of the author and Creator of what I can see and what I cannot.

That can feel passion in the way one curates a bouquet, giving it life in it's arrangement, and so simply gives it away, because he knows it will bring joy to the recipient.

that can understand the depth of joy and satisfaction and completeness with someone who was once a stranger but now locks fingers, inseparable in life and metaphor.

that can stand in awe of life, alive and dead, moving and still, sculpted and existing, surrounding and praising as if surrounding the throne room of the Wise and Almighty One.

I have a mind.

I have an imagination.

and let me testify to how beautiful my God is.