my heart slowly empties

not because of the residents of my heart are leaving.

no no no,

I am pushing them out. 

I need this room, and this too, and definitely need this room.

rooms that once held secrets, shallow dreams, temporary emotions of joy and hurt

I need all these rooms, I'm sorry, but you all need to go. 

I am pushing them out;

because I need room.

the ocean is roaring,

the tide is coming in,

here it is.

praise night

up until 7:26pm,

I wasn't feeling it.

I fixed the drumheads.

I listened to the playlist a million times.

I watched tutorials.

I posted on drum forums.

I prayed constantly and desperately.

at 7:22, we prayed

and my first words were God, I am nervous and anxious but I don't want to be because I want to give you a proper offering and give these kids a proper worship.

I was about to lock it all away but before the door closed I heard you:

"I want it, all of it"

so I gave up.

I gave up the drumheads, the practices, the prayers, the half time beats, the tissues in my ears, the unbalanced crashes and rusted hi hat

I gave it all to You and You took it away and told me: watch what I can do.

to be honest, I don't remember playing drums today. Jason was praising me for something I did on drums but I couldn't remember what I did when he was explaining it.

I was too busy.

Watching.

even this

I really really really don't deserve this

but hey,

if You're giving it,

of course I'll take it.


thank you.

42418

i know who You are

at least, a little bit.

i know who I am to You

honestly, it's still confusing.

i know i am tired

and what im doing is not good

like how I can't even finish my prayers nowawadays cause i fall asleep. 

or how I don't have the strength to push myself anymore.

but i still know,

whether I am sprinting or collapsed on a patch of dirt

You know where I am.

I am in an unfamiliar place again, but i can't help but laugh out loud as I run through brick wall after brick wall 

because this is not another season of tribulations or refinement

this is deliverance through anointing

and of mercy and of grace.

hello again, I knew You'd find me.

12:23 am

despite all of my __________

God you are welcome here. 

dirt and all. 

4/19

listening (or at least really trying to)

walking (pace yourself)

watching (doesn't mean you can't look around)

stop and smell the flowers.



He planted them there for you.

if there are a hundred things to say

and ninety none of those are bad

and only one is good,

then say the one out loud

and tell God the ninety none.


hello, me, right now:

1) you are so stupidly undeservinly amazingly lucky.

no, not luck.

nothing is coincidence;

it's divine intervention.