a lot to say but not a lot of ways to say it

let me start with:

thank you God

and 

uh

hm

sometimes less is more 

and more is less

huh

He does not concern Himself with my standards

and my expectations

and my dreams

and my desires

He provides for me the things i need 

and things i didnt know i needed

it is both frightening and exciting

maybe more frightening 

but what can i do 

other than to float with the current and let the waves splash me?

i stepped into the water 

knowing the sea was rough and the wind was blowing

because i wanted to know what it's like

to walk on water 

even if just for a single step. 

i would jump in again and again

and again and again and again and again

just so you can grab me

no seriously

what am i supposed to do LOL

st augustine of hippo

"you have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our heart is restless until it finds its rest in you."

fight these thoughts:

is this actually going to help

is this actually going to work

am I supposed to be here

am I supposed to feel like this

is this always going to be this hard?

leave it all behind keep your head out the clouds and move forward no matter how big or small. 

And what I say to you I say to all: Stay awake."
Mark 13:37

The modern day translation of this is: s t a y w o k e.

in the end I don't have to win the race

as long as I get my yellow participation badge I'll be okay and happy just to be able to run.

And yes I'm a mess but I'm blessed

~

I feel like death but I know for a fact I'm alive.

and that's ok I think.