Oct 1

we are not built for the mountains and the dawns and the aesthetic affinities, those are for moments of inspiration, that is all. We are built for the valley, for the ordinary stuff we are in, and that is where we have to prove our mettle.

I need not be afraid of the trials, for that is where I am being sent, and where I am sent is following the carving of the cross in the dirt.

draino

my ears are still ringing from the clash of a way-too-heavy ride.

my thumb is chafed from an old drumstick rubbing against my skin

I'm pretty sure I have a rash cause I keep wearing long pants when I practice

I'm drained. but because I've squeezed myself out. because it's not worth keeping in for myself.

to give everything I have to anyone else, Lord would I find favor in You.

"there is nothing good in me besides what You put inside"

it rings louder than the ringing in my ears.

I don't know why it's so embedded in my head.

but in the meantime, everything can go. I need to make some space.

-

praya

How Often Shall We Pray?

As often as the language of prayer is in my heart; as often as I see my need of help; as often as I feel the power of temptation; as often as I am made sensible of any spiritual declension or feel the aggression of a worldly spirit...

my confession is that I have felt all of these things, and yet, a prayer was not uttered. 

we receive conviction not to be put to shame, but to remind ourself that the Spirit is alive within us. my conviction is to pray. 

in every occassion. in every moment. never ceasing, never doubting whether I am heard or understood. 

may there be fire in my veins and may prayer be the exhaust of worship and adoration and pain and desperation and triumph

direction

to be frank, I don't know where I am going.

but I do know where I am not.

my direction is forward, past the dusty trails I've walked before.

roads meant to be walked once.

avoid Egypt, leave Babylon in the past

and trek towards heaven.

sabba

Let praise come from my lips all my days

 

Your love overtake me and flow through my veins

 

Let heaven on earth be reality here

 

Let Your kingdom come and Your glory dwell here

I am safe. I was dead, and now I am alive. I am tired, but I am okay. I am living and working and breathing and I am blessed. I drum and I sweat and I stumble and fumble my words but I stand and continue. I will fall, but I will run again. doesn't matter which direction, because I'll be where I need to be. listen now, hear Him call, run there now. wait for Him, but be ready, keep my lamp trimmed, keep it alight, be ready.

in transition

May the favor of the Lord our God rest on us; establish the work of our hands for us— yes, establish the work of our hands.

distracted

For he says to Moses, “I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion.” So then it depends not on human will or exertion, but on God, who has mercy.  

I was very preoccupied today in my mind-space with a very heavy discussion of heretics and theology and personal experiences. I had conjured up my own thoughts at the topic at hand, but then took a step back and had to analyse the fervor in my heart. Where did this fire find its kindle?

I then saw the battleground of judgement, offending and defending churches and temples, and how frustrating it was to use Scripture and discernment to find whether or not a ministry has embodied the gospel as the foundation for its teachings. Where do we draw the line of what is a nuance between denominations and the heavy accusation of abomination? Who wields the spiritual judgement and authority to finalize that judgement?

Then I realized I had nothing to say; not because my mind was absent of thoughts but because there is nothing good in me that would bind my opinion in truth. I was drawn into the conversation, eager to impart wisdom, but I knew that in the end all I could contribute is my wisdom, my human wisdom, my foolishness.

This is not a concession, that would imply that I made the right choice and avoided that path. This is a surrender, because in my sin I walked with my pride and shut out Christ so that I could participate in things that fuel my brokenness: my need to be knowledgeable, my need to be acknowledged as someone who is known for their shrewdness.

apart from Him, there is no wisdom in me. there is no goodness in me. what do I have that was not given? my thoughts are just a vapor, and all glory to Him who imparts His spirit to us: that allow us to think and believe.

I pray that those in that conversation are justified before Christ, who holds all power of all judgement, and that His judgement would bring justice. and i pray that He would show mercy today and teach me and equip me to go forth boldly when it is my time to be sent.