today

today is not about my redemption, nor my failure, nor my success;

nor the truths that bring my conviction, nor the lies that I spend too much time thinking about,

nor the commending I received, nor the commending I expect but did not,

it is none of these, for these are things for myself.

today is Yours.

today I bring the fruits of my life to You, the victories and the defeats, I do not leave them at the door, but I bring them both to the altar.

today was worship, a reaffirmation not of what I believe but attesting to who You are:

there won't be a day, that You're not by my side

and You are.

today I give up on the battles. of uncertainty, of bitterness, of hurt and shame, that's enough for today.

I will be still and know You are good.

I will be still and know You are God.

something about tattered sails

this is what i get for not writing these things down when it hits_

if i am self conscious of my tattered sails,

maybe the last time I opened up and trusted God, the spirit of the Lord led me to places where rips and tears followed each experience, and by the end of whatever weather i've weathered, my sails are a little less clean. the more i go through the oceans and parts unknown, the more my sails become frayed. the more frayed, the more I become afraid:

will my sails last another journey?

then i stop and think.

do my sails take me to my destination?

or is it the ocean in which I place my boat, is that not the road I travel? or is it the winds that blow over me, is that not my direction? riding the Lord's wave takes a new meaning when you realize you have no say or power over the wave, but you are left with a choice: go forth or watch it pass by from a distance.

open your tattered sails and wait for the tempest to come and take you, there is no other purpose here but to go.

h o p e

but a man's reach should exceed his grasp...

why am I aiming low? taking the easy way out? sticking to what is safe?

settling for the low req. colleges? taking the GRE once?

is my hope that small? is my trust that little?

how big is your fear? how small do you feel?

stand up, try again, fail if you have to.

fail again over and over if that's what it will be.

but you will never be unloved, you will never be rejected.

and that's more than enough

something about this

Moses was a hundred and twenty years old when he died, yet his eyes were not weak nor his strength gone.

Deuteronomy 34:7

how great is His faithfulness

easter

my first response to love is:

"I don't deserve this,"

followed by a desire for an action to restore a balance.

whether it comes from my parents, my sister, my friends, even from Julianne; love received must always be responded with love given.

and I have found that having this heart leads to an incomplete love.

when it comes to the love of God, what could I ever do to repay a life sacrificed for me? what could I ever do to refund the price paid on the cross?

I cannot.

and this truth of my inability to ever give restitution for a debt of love is the reason on why I receive an incomplete love; because I do not accept without giving a portion of it back.

the essential purpose of love is not to seek a return, but it is to be accepted and stayed. yes fine fine, I am undeserving, but my weakness does not dilute the power of love because my weaknesses and shortcomings have never changed love's trajectory towards me.

so this Easter, I plan to receive. and rejoice.

thank you God for love without attachment.

thank you for people around me who love without attachment.

thank you for Julianne for her love that has no attachment.

I pray that I would love the same.

But he took her by the hand and said, “My child, get up!” 

Her spirit returned, and at once she stood up. Then Jesus told them to give her something to eat.

-

God does not simply fill emptiness, but He takes it away. in the same power that life became life not because it filled a vacancy, but it emerged from nothing. in the same display of glory that resurrection did not layer over death, but conquered it. 

my prayer God is Lord let there not simply be renewal, but a transformation. to increase in capacity to love, for I know that love will spill into every crevice of my heart and fill every weakness, Lord do not delay in Your righteousness 

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden,

and I will give you rest. 

Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me,

for I am gentle and lowly in heart,

and you will find rest for your souls. 

For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."
-
all glory, power, honor to You and You alone,

the Almighty who sustains me in His love and

who lifts burdens for the sake of His children.

victory belongs to the one who fights, and our God is a fierce warrior

justice and righteousness flows from Your river

and You save the undeserving because of Your mercy.

praise and bless Him,

holy holy holy is the Lord God Almighty,

who Was and Is and Is To Come