praise night (2)

my hands are stupidly swollen

and my elbow is so sore

but when it comes to worship

there is no greater honor than to serve you with what little i have

i dont even remember what happened these past three hours

i dont remember the people i met,

or the beats i used,

all i remember is that i was tired,

and then i was satisfied,

and i remember that it was You

and the things of Earth shall grow strangely dim

in that moment

with nothing but heartbeats interrupting silence

I remembered where I was,

and how long and winding the road was,

and how far You carried me,

and then You gently mentioned,

we still have a long way to go, you and I

but in that moment 

You saw me, 

smiled then sat down.

while I knelt to smell the flowers,

letting heartbeats count down the minutes.

controlled burn

If I say, "I will not mention him, or speak any more in his name,"

there is in my heart as it were a burning fire shut up in my bones

and I am weary with holding it in,

and I cannot.

Jeremiah 20:9
_

God, I know there's a way.

almost there.

praise morning

"we are all instruments of God.

some of us come to church tuned,

some of us come,

needing to be tuned"

when johno was teaching me guitar, he taught me how to tune. fifth fret, except for the fourth to fifth string, that's fourth fret.

I would practice tuning by ear, and I would always be a half step off. every single time. I'd give it to johno and he would plug into his tuner and then he would give it back.

when I played bass, I watched johno tune his electric every moment he got, I thought out of habit at first, but it was because every strum untuned it just a little bit.

I've been feeling "off" a lot lately. I thought that something was wrong with me.

today I learned that I'm not a terrible instrument, I'm just untuned.

and today I was reminded that I'm a terrible tuner.

---
I prayed something similar as I did on Friday. I asked Him to help me clear the room so that I could see Him. So I could watch Him make something beautiful like He did on Friday.

today I prayed that again, closing my eyes  hoping for another moment where I could just forget about being a drummer and just remember God's goodness.

then I opened my eyes, the room is clear and God is sitting in the audience and He walks up and hands me drumsticks.

"God why did you give me these?"

i want to hear you play drums. that's why I'm here.

"its not going to be much, just like last week. are you going to make it beautiful?"

no.

I already made you beautiful.

I just came to watch.

my heart slowly empties

not because of the residents of my heart are leaving.

no no no,

I am pushing them out. 

I need this room, and this too, and definitely need this room.

rooms that once held secrets, shallow dreams, temporary emotions of joy and hurt

I need all these rooms, I'm sorry, but you all need to go. 

I am pushing them out;

because I need room.

the ocean is roaring,

the tide is coming in,

here it is.

praise night

up until 7:26pm,

I wasn't feeling it.

I fixed the drumheads.

I listened to the playlist a million times.

I watched tutorials.

I posted on drum forums.

I prayed constantly and desperately.

at 7:22, we prayed

and my first words were God, I am nervous and anxious but I don't want to be because I want to give you a proper offering and give these kids a proper worship.

I was about to lock it all away but before the door closed I heard you:

"I want it, all of it"

so I gave up.

I gave up the drumheads, the practices, the prayers, the half time beats, the tissues in my ears, the unbalanced crashes and rusted hi hat

I gave it all to You and You took it away and told me: watch what I can do.

to be honest, I don't remember playing drums today. Jason was praising me for something I did on drums but I couldn't remember what I did when he was explaining it.

I was too busy.

Watching.

even this

I really really really don't deserve this

but hey,

if You're giving it,

of course I'll take it.


thank you.