to be fervent in spirit

today in the car I asked You if a thorn is necessary for the glory

and then I thought to myself:

when did I get so lazy,

what happened to the passion

who blew out the fire

where did my heart go

I'm grateful God, really I am.

Thank you for all of this

but I'm trading it in now,

all of this

for a crown of thorns,

just like my Jesus

and I wanna be just like you

quickly

you don't really know what it looks like

until it finally blooms

I know it's not this

but it's something.

in the meantime, it's just

nice.

take Your time.

bass

today I feel like poop. 

physically mentally spiritually, not good. 

not at all. 

barely prayed today.

didn't talk to accountability partners

sneezed my lungs out and ripped my nose up 

showed little love to those God has called me to love.

drank soda (forgive me for I have sinned)

drove way too much for things I didn't want to do

sigh.

but today I picked up a bass 

and remembered,

as a child, learning what worship was

what praise was.

chords, sheet music, pitter patter of fingers on strings, tap your foot tap your foot, stop looking down at the stand.

remember when James used to always poke you with the Gibson and you would poke him back and he would untune your strings lmao

or the first time you played the bass line of  til I see you at winter retreat on a whim and  Jonathan looked back and he was so proud

or Charles hyung kept telling Dynamics at us or that one time we had to throw out our set completely and that's when Michael coined spontaneous worship I love it.

the little Lyon bass ohma bought you from Target and it didn't even work so you had to plug your ears and put your chin on the guitar so that you could feel the vibrations

I think about it now and I sort of see You being so happy to see me with that cheap little bass, going to Borders when it was still open and buying Bass for Dummies because I was a dummy but I wanted to learn. so happy even though You knew I had no idea what I was doing and even though You knew I sounded terrible.

I think about today and I sort of see You again, in the same place, with the same reaction,

except Your face is a little clearer

and Your smile a little wider

and a little bit more happier.

and my face got a little more clearer

and my smile was a little wider

and I am a little bit more...

happier.

hope

is at the bottom of a bottle.

-

nothing that I've done,

nothing that she's done,

but everything that You have done for us.

everything that You've allowed for us,

and I guess a new thing:

everything that You want for us.

I'm not used to it,

but I really really like it.

-

it gets better

ohhhhh man are you serioussssss

all who are thirsty

dip your heart in the stream of life and be washed away

-

I forget sometimes,

even though my shame is deep,

when the water pours in,

it starts at the bottom first;

and then it rises,

and then it overflows.

as I come crawling back to this place,

with questions I don't know how to word

looking for answers I don't know how to use,

to a place where You are,

in my brokenness and confusion

scuffed and scratched,

I curl up next to You

and without words,

You cover me.

if You don't mind, God,

I'd like to just lay here for a little bit.

calibrate

For Christ did not send me to baptize but to preach the gospel,

and not with words of eloquent wisdom,

lest the cross of Christ be emptied of its power.

1 Corinthians 1:17

-

get it together.

shut up, stand aside, let God work.

and never give up on love.