in transition

May the favor of the Lord our God rest on us; establish the work of our hands for us— yes, establish the work of our hands.

distracted

For he says to Moses, “I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion.” So then it depends not on human will or exertion, but on God, who has mercy.  

I was very preoccupied today in my mind-space with a very heavy discussion of heretics and theology and personal experiences. I had conjured up my own thoughts at the topic at hand, but then took a step back and had to analyse the fervor in my heart. Where did this fire find its kindle?

I then saw the battleground of judgement, offending and defending churches and temples, and how frustrating it was to use Scripture and discernment to find whether or not a ministry has embodied the gospel as the foundation for its teachings. Where do we draw the line of what is a nuance between denominations and the heavy accusation of abomination? Who wields the spiritual judgement and authority to finalize that judgement?

Then I realized I had nothing to say; not because my mind was absent of thoughts but because there is nothing good in me that would bind my opinion in truth. I was drawn into the conversation, eager to impart wisdom, but I knew that in the end all I could contribute is my wisdom, my human wisdom, my foolishness.

This is not a concession, that would imply that I made the right choice and avoided that path. This is a surrender, because in my sin I walked with my pride and shut out Christ so that I could participate in things that fuel my brokenness: my need to be knowledgeable, my need to be acknowledged as someone who is known for their shrewdness.

apart from Him, there is no wisdom in me. there is no goodness in me. what do I have that was not given? my thoughts are just a vapor, and all glory to Him who imparts His spirit to us: that allow us to think and believe.

I pray that those in that conversation are justified before Christ, who holds all power of all judgement, and that His judgement would bring justice. and i pray that He would show mercy today and teach me and equip me to go forth boldly when it is my time to be sent.