went to church today

it's so weird being the newcomer, after going to the same church for over 18 years. they're friendly, i like how they do worship, they seem very nice. i learned one thing today, the literal translation of comfort in the bible is not to coo or to massage or some crap like that, but it empower and strengthen. so this whole time when i asked God to comfort me, i was asking for a slap in the face and an encouraging message to move forward. it makes so much sense now.

damn damn damn damn damn

damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn.

altar call

i hated altar calls. so unoriginal, so bland, so overdone. so stupid how every altar call you supposedly give your life back to Jesus and to do what, just fall right back into sin? there's no point in altar calls, it's just an image thing. that was running through my mind today, where we went to a praise night in san jose. the speaker invited us to pray with him on stage; what a clever way to rephrase the typical altar call. i sat in my chair, not planning to go up like a fake christian. i was sure that there would be no difference in my life if i went up there or not, so i decided to just sit. then i thought if repeated altar calls mean nothing, then is repeated confessions mean nothing? if an altar call is meant to be a one time thing, why does every speaker stress the importance of it, if they know every other damn person out there is calling for one? an altar call is not a moment to proclaim your christian-ness. it's a time to renew your trust in God and everything He stands for. It's not about your image, it's about the image you show others when you say "yes, i am a christian. and yet i come up to this altar because i do not fully grasp God, and im here now to show you that i know what i have is not enough." so yes, i proudly admit that the holy spirit inspired me to walk out to the altar without following anyone, the first time in my life i've ever done that. i didn't care who was looking at me, because i had a goal, a goal to be restored. because the times are going to be changing soon.

Hm.

You know what, I don't think I'll end up being friends with my school friends in the long run. They party hard; I don't. They drink til the sun goes down, I'd rather go to In-n-Out. They find wiping out, drunk dialing me, not remembering anything is having fun, while I play basketball. Am I the loser here? Am I the odd one out for not facked up? It's wrong but sometimes I wish they would get caught, just so they would stop. But some friend I am. 2 more weeks til Irvine.

Grandma

On my most respected list of people, my grandma is probably first. My earliest memory of her was when she was living in a room, which would become my sisters. All she had was a mattress and a thin blanket. My grandma always babysat me, and at night, she held me in her arms while I howled away, pretending to be a wolf. She said to me in Korean, "Be quiet or else the wolves will come and eat you!" My grandma doesn't mess around. There is one photograph of my grandma in her youth; she looked like a dancer. Other than that photograph, the only face i see when I imagine my grandma is a small woman with a wrinkled face and snow white hair. But I know she has a hidden, glorious past. After retiring from the dance industry at a tender age of 20, my grandma decided to abandon the quiet life in her small Korean village and take to the seas. For the next thirty years, she ruled the Yellow Sea, pillaging villages, burning towns, and reaping the booty. Yes, all seemed quite settled for my grandma, until she met another pirate, trespassing on her waters. This pirate was also very skilled, and also very powerful. After an intense territorial battle, my grandma and the mysterious pirate agreed on a meeting, and from then, my grandma had met her husband. My grandparents then monopolized the sea, and were respected all around the world. Around 1950, my grandparents decided that the pirate life was too boring for them, so they settled in California. Japan, hearing that the legendary pirates had retired, seized the opportunity and invaded Korea, but that's a whole other story. i love my grandma. she makes the best gaddamn kimchi you will ever put your unworthy lips on. all other kimchi come up short compared to hers. i remember as a kid, i asked my mom how long my grandma was going to live. she assured me she'll be there before i leave for college. and that's true. i hope she'll be there to see me get married, because i want my kids to know who my grandma is. yo ho ho, it's a pirate's life for me.